We’re really going out on a limb here by stoking some pretty hot embers, I’m sure, but the controversy is all part of the fun. Sure, movies (for the most part) are all make-believe, but we wanted to get a little philosophical and maybe even ruffle some feathers with the first installment of our new “What if…” feature. So, the first hypothetical question we pose is… “What if Star Wars had been the brainchild of David Lynch and George Lucas never entered the picture?”
After the opening “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…” line, there would be exactly 137 seconds of a shot of stars while all we would hear over the soundtrack is sounds of machinery.
Laura Dern would play the roles of Princess Leia, Grand Moff Tarkin, and would provide the voice for C-3PO. Leia and Tarkin would only appear in one scene together. Tarkin would ask Leia, “Do you smell something funny?” Leia would reply, “No, but the air smells like rubberized salt.”
Kyle MacLachlan would play Luke, and his encouter with the Jawas would result in a 20 minute subplot where the Jawas, who are completely naked except for the hoods over their heads, perceive Luke to be their god. Luke would be apprehensive at this at first, but he would soon give in after dreaming of Vader.
Vader would be played by Dennis Hopper, and, instead of the breathing mechanism, Vader would be constantly fed amyl nitrite. This makes Vader both foul-mouthed and insane.
Nicolas Cage would play Han Solo, and he would wear a snake-skin jacket and wear aviator sunglasses. Chewbacca would still be his sidekick, but the only form of communication between the two would be Chewie growling and Solo snapping his finger and pointing at the Wookie “you the man”-style.
Also, every scene inside the Millennium Falcon would have jazz music blasting on the soundtrack. No one’s conversation could be heard, but subtitles would read what everyone is saying.
In the end, it would be revealed Luke and Leia are brother and sister, but they hook up anyway. Luke leads his army of Jawas against the Empire, and they tear Vader limb-from-limb while he’s laughing maniacally. In every shot, every single shot, Han would be seen in the background practicing Transcendental Meditation. Chewie stands next to him. The only time Han moves a muscle is whenever Vader cries out in pain, Han mutters, “Bad boy.”
Leia shoots Palpatine, played by Willem Dafoe, in the face with her blaster. His head would explode, and Leia would instantly go crazy, dropping to her knees and rubbing Palpatine’s blood all over her face. The whole time she is crying out, “Achievement is its own reward, pride obscures it.”
Of course, the movie would be rated R, loaded with obsenities, graphic violence, and constant nudity from the Jawas. Also there would be no chapters on the DVD, and the film would be introed by Werner Herzog who would proclaim David Lynch as a “science genius”. Herzog would insist on calling the film a “science” film instead of a “science fiction” film, since, as Herzog puts it, “It all happened a long time ago.”
