Ready to celebrate the holidays – Chuck Norris style? Watch the great one do the splits and then check out our list of the 10 Best Christmas Movies One-Liners.
On behalf of our team at We Are Movie Geeks, we wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday season!
Honorable Mention: A MADEA CHRISTMAS
“They wanted Santa, but he’s on lockdown.”
10. Love, Actually (2003)
“So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.” – Billy Mack (Bill Nighy)
9. Home Alone
“I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap; including all my major crevices; including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed. I washed my hair with adult formula shampoo and used cream rinse for that just-washed shine. I can’t seem to find my toothbrush, so I’ll pick one up when I go out today. Other than that, I’m in good shape.”
8. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
“Oh, Christmas isn’t just a day, it’s a frame of mind… and that’s what’s been changing. That’s why I’m glad I’m here, maybe I can do something about it.” – Kris Kringle (Edmund Gwenn)
7. White Christmas (1954)
As the final line in the movie goes, “… And may all your Christmases be white. MERRY CHRISTMAS!”
6. Gremlins (1984)
“The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.” – Kate (Phoebe Cates)
5. Scrooged (1988)
“It’s Christmas Eve. It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” – Frank Cross (Bill Murray)
4. The Santa Clause (1994)
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I get home, I’m getting a CAT scan!” – Tim Allen (Scott Calvin/Santa Claus)
3. Elf (2003)
“First we’ll make snow angels for a two hours, then we’ll go ice skating, then we’ll eat a whole roll of Tollhouse Cookiedough as fast as we can, and then we’ll snuggle.” – Buddy (Will Ferrell)
2. A Christmas Story (1983)
“Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pringing ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.” – Ralphie as Adult (Jean Shepherd)
1. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
“This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny **** Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white a’ down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of ***** this side of the nuthouse.” – Clark W. Griswold (Chevy Chase)
The last time busy Hollywood triple threat Ben Stiller (actor, writer, director) stepped behind the camera was way, waaaay back in 2008 for the Summer satirical comedy smash TROPIC THUNDER. So what work has inspired him to return to film making this winter? Why it’s a short story from James Thurber, himself something of a multiple threat (author, playwright, cartoonist) who passed away over fifty years ago. Now his work did make to the big and small screen during (and soon after) his lifetime. THE MALE ANIMAL was a starring vehicle in the 40’s for Henry Fonda. His story “A Unicorn in the Garden” became an acclaimed UPA animated short subject in the 1950’s. And in 1970 his writings and drawings were the inspiration for an NBC sitcom in 1970 called “My World and Welcome to It” (a gem that lasted barely one season). Two years later those same works also inspired the Jack Lemmon comedy THE WAR BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN. And then there’s a little guy named Mitty. A Thurber short story became the basis for the 1947 Technicolor musical comedy extravaganza THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY. In that film Danny Kaye as Mitty is a meek day-dreaming pulp magazine editor who somehow rescues the gorgeous Virgina Mayo from sinister forces lead by Boris Karloff. The character has even crept into the language as anyone who is distracted by fantasy thoughts is said to be a “Walter Mitty”. Sixty six years later Mr. Stiller is taking on the role of the classic nerdy dreamer. What fantastic film fantasies await Mr. Mitty in the twenty-first century?
The 2013 incarnation of Mitty (Stiller) peruses an online dating site as he prepares to head to work. It just so happens that a co-worker he’s noticed, Cheryl Meloff (Kristen Wiig) has a profile on said site. Walter’s much too shy to say hello at the office so he attempts to contact her online, but is, of course, thwarted by technology. Finally arriving at his job at the offices of Life magazine, he’s greeted by his flakey, aspiring-actress sister Odessa (Kathryn Hahn) who wishes him a happy birthday, drops off a “Clementine” cake, and reminds him that they must meet up later to help their mother Edna (Shirley MacLaine) move into her new place. After she leaves, some co-workers mention the news that the magazine has been taken over by new management. This is confirmed by new supervisor Ted (Adam Scott). After a clumsy first meeting, Walter heads down to the massive photo library where he receives a sheet of negatives (no digital stuff for him!) from legendary globe-trotting photo-journalist Sean O’Connell (Sean Penn). But the sheet is missing one negative. And it’s the one he’s alerted the new owners about! And it ‘s the one that the new owners want as the cover photo of the final print edition before the mag goes online!. What’s Walter to do? There’s no way to contact Sean online or via phone! This quest sends the timid office drone on a journey around the globe that might just put his daydreams to shame.
This is very different Ben Stiller here than we’ve seen on-screen before. There’s no hint of Mr. Furious from MYSTERY MEN or any of the wild supporting characters from whacked-out farces such as his DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY. His Walter is closer to the everymen he essayed in THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY and the MUSEUM flicks (and of course Gaylord Focker from the wildly popular comic trilogy), but without any of their energy. Of course he’s supposed to be just coasting through life early in the film, but even as he eases away from the daydreams, Walter still feels oddly detached. He’s much more compelling a character during the fantasy sequences. The same can be said for Wiig as his love interest. Her manic comedic skills she displayed in BRIDESMAIDS and several years of “Saturday Night Live” are almost muffled here as she pops up in between Walter’s travels. Their roles are so bland that any sparks between the actors are canceled out. This is also the case for Penn as the old school photog (think the hero of REAR WINDOW pre-accident) whose quirks serve as the plot catalyst and whose cameo amounts to becoming a Yoda-like sage to the weary Walter. Happily a couple of comic pros get a bit of a chance to grab some laughs. Hahn is great as the single-minded stage geeks while Patton Oswald has a lot of funky charm as one of Walter’s new pals. And then there’s Adam Scott far from the nice-guy roles in FRIENDS WITH KIDS and TV’s “Parks and Recreations” as the corporate creep with the crisp suits and precisely trimmed beard who immediately makes Walter his bullying target while relishing the chance to downsize Mr. M and his co-worker pals. This devious demented “d-bag” gives the flick a jolt of maniacal energy whenever he and his similarly bearded toadies appear.
Well, the film is certainly not a remake of the 1940’s classic or really a straight adaptation of the original Thurber story, so we wonder why the Mitty name is attached to this rather bland, meandering live-action family flick offering. Perhaps the name could lure people in with the promise of all-out flights of fancy (Danny Kaye never cavorted in CGI worlds). This is a bit of a bait and switch since these sequences are done well before the film’s midpoint. A satire of a recent film fantasy/drama/romance and an epic action smackdown between Walter and Ted (which is a pretty potent parody of recent blockbuster “destruction porn”) are fairly entertaining until we’re stuck next to Walter as he meanders through exotic locales and tedious set-pieces (evading a shark…check…skateboarding away from an erupting volcano…eh,check). And all the while Stiller’s inserting constant product placement (what is this, MAN OF STEEL 2?) besides the Life magazine setting (which seems to be out of a 1950’s time warp, what modern mag has offices like this?). It’s a long, long slog without much (if any) of a pay-off. Hmm, you should put yourself out there and make your real life better than your fantasy life. Uh, okay. Now, I think I’ll close my eyes and imagine a more engaging, entertaining movie that’s more worthy of the gifted Wiig and Stiller. Sweet dreams …and better films.
It’s “adult swim” time at the cineplex once again, kids. Hmm, seems like LAST VEGAS was just a week or so ago. This new flick concerns another couple of post-6o dudes who are trying to recapture some of their “glory days” (cue the Springsteen tune, if we can afford it!). Except one of them was in that earlier flick (he’s having a busy year for a guy past retirement age). This film’ s story plays on the cinematic past of the two main stars. You, see both got Oscar nominations for films set in the world of that “sweet science”, the sport of boxing. Sylvester Stallone grabbed his nom for penning the script for 1976’s ROCKY, which spawned five sequels, while Robert DeNiro nabbed his Best Actor Oscar nom and win for playing real-life boxer Jake LaMotta in 1980’s RAGING BULL. Now, while both actors shared scenes in COPLAND, they’ve never stepped into the ring. Until now, because they’re many years overdue for a GRUDGE MATCH. And, there’s the bell….
…for their first bout, several decades ago (see that’s how the flick begins). Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp and Billy ‘the Kid’ McDonnen each won a championship fight against the other, but for mysterious reasons, there was no third bout, no “grudge match”. Cut to Pittsburgh 2013. Billy (DeNiro) has a big used-car dealership and a struggling bar and grill dedicated to his boxing career. Henry (Stallone) left the ring long ago and earns an honest living working at a local steel mill. Enter the son of the man who promoted their original battles, Dante Slade, Jr. (Kevin Hart). He wants to procure the rivals’ services for a video game company. In order to produce a new boxing game based on their old bouts, they need the men to don motion-capture suits and throw a few punches that the computer will reproduce for their game avatars. Both men need the cash and agree to it as long as they are recorded separately. Of course, Billy violates the deal and shows up during Henry’s session. Heated words and blows are exchanged and all are recorded on the phones devices of the game crew. The footage is uploaded to an internet video sharing site and instantly becomes a “viral” sensation. Then the big East Coast casinos contact Dante. How about a rematch? After much prodding, they agree. But who will help them train? After taking him in after being evicted from another retirement facility, older ex-boxer Louis ‘Lightening’ Conlon (Alan Arkin) consents to train Henry. Meanwhile, after being brushed aside at the gym of Frankie Brite (LL Cool J) Billy meets his estranged son BJ (Jon Berenthal) and enlists him as his trainer (oh, and BJ has an eight year-old son! Billy’s a grandpa’!). But at the big press conference who should show up but Sally (Kim Basinger), the blonde bombshell that both men courted back in the day. Will she somehow throw a wrench into the rematch plans, as she did all those years ago? More importantly, can both aging war horses survive the months of grueling training on the way to the big fight?
The game cast flays away at the lackluster script to little success. Stallone seems the most indifferent, perhaps since most of the film’s plot was covered in his own vastly superior ROCKY BALBOA from just seven years ago. He often plays scenes with his head down maybe to show how life has beaten down and humbled Henry, but it comes across as though he were tossing the scenes off to the other actors. This may be the reason that much of his dialogue is “mumbled” away. DeNiro is the more gregarious of the two fighters, but he seems to be slipping into the squinting caricature of his earlier roles that he’s relied on for far too many recent comedies. He’s quiet and scowling before turning into a loud and belligerent within seconds. We wonder what the still gorgeous Sally ever saw in the two, but Basinger plays her as merely a bland pawn in their enduring tug of war. Her motivations are unclear and unfocused. Has she just been waiting for the boys to get back in the news? Arkin is reduced to playing a variation of Burgess Meredith in not one, but two of his later screen roles. Of course, he’s the scrappy trainer/coach from the Rocky movies series (down to the attire), but he’s also the crude elderly clown spewing inappropriate sex jokes from the GRUMPY OLD MEN flicks. When the film makers don’t know how to end a scene they cut to him over-selling a tired “horny old dude” gag. Hart’s doing his motor-mouthed guy on the make from the stand-up films and supporting movie roles. There’s far too many scenes of him screaming into his cell phone and strutting about (another easy way to convey info and conclude scenes).. And then he and Arkin share scenes so he can make fun of his age while the other can do height jokes (Ah, “Webster” jokes! edgy!). Bernthal, so great in TV’s “The Walking Dead” is wasted as the always exasperated beacon of responsibility to the out of control DeNiro character.
Peter Segal, director of the underrated big screen remake of GET SMART, suffers a major stumble trying to bring life to this clichéd tale. It’s another case of “all the jokes are in the trailer”. And the ones there are not that inspired. The movie quickly loses its forward momentum after the fun opening flashback fights and the “where are they now?” updates. It just takes an eternity to get to the main title bouts. The love-triangle subplot just helps to keep the story’s wheels spinning with little reward. And the grandson storyline is cringe-worthy. What eight year-old speaks like that (one whose dialogue is provided by hack sitcom writers). The movie lurches from one “wacky” set piece to the next. I can almost believe the two ring vets popping up at an MMA match, but jumping out of a plane to parachute onto a mall parking lot? Hello, these guys have to make it to the match. people (and can you imagine the insurance premiums?). After a turgid medical problem that attempts to add some drama, we’re finally ready to rumble. Said fight is poorly staged looking like a sloppy slapping match at a bus stop. Bobby, Sly, you’re shown us you’ve got the physique and stamina to go a few rounds. Now hung up the gloves and concentrate your impressive talents on better projects than drivel like GRUDGE MATCH. Oh, if only I could have thrown in the towel from my theatre seat and stopped the embarrassing proceedings!
Biopics are released every year in theaters. Stories of inspiration and true events are repeatedly given the Hollywood treatment for audiences to take in. Often these films become fodder for critic’s groups to eat up and to award honors to the most recent actor or actress who has “transformed” for their role. Nelson Mandela is the next figure to receive the biopic treatment. A historical icon that has courted controversy as often as being praised, Mandela’s life as an activist, political prisoner, and South African president is told in MANDELA: LONG WALK TO FREEDOM. While the film acts as a nice survey to Mandela’s life – especially his later years in life – you mostly come away feeling like you just sat through a dry history lecture.
After a brief voice-over and quick peak into the village where he grew up, we see Mandela as young lawyer living in South Africa. His passion for his cases and standing up for justice soon leads to him acting as a central leader in a political activist group. A short marriage is sadly disrupted due to his busy schedule and adulterous ways. During this time, Mandela’s status as an out-spoken opponent to Apartheid catches the attention of the South Africa’s European led government as well as the heart of the stunning social worker Winnie (Naomie Harris). Rousing speeches turn into violent acts when Mandela and his colleagues respond to beatings and other violent acts against their people. These actions eventually land Mandela in prison; a prison sentence that will help grow one man into a legend and spokesperson for his country’s oppressed people.
A LONG WALK TO FREEDOM is precisely that. Even at a little over 2 hours, Justin Chadwick’s film feels like a very long walk towards an end most of us already know. Not much attention is spent on setting up the backdrop of Apartheid or the political situation in South Africa for those unfamiliar with the events. For that matter, not much time is spent on Mandela’s early life at all. Most of the film is interested in displaying the physical and mental injustice that Mandela endured while in prison. I understand that this makes up a good period of his life and that it certainly is important to the character, but an hour of the film is rather stagnant due to the structure of the story.
Idris Elba is more than adequate in the role of the title character. Elba plays each scene with a stoic face and a commanding voice. It’s no fault to him that the material doesn’t have as much depth for the actor to ignite the screen. Who does manage to make something out of nothing though is actress Naomie Harris. Her character seems to transform throughout the film which is masterfully portrayed through Harris’ look from scene to scene. Her eyes are soft and gentle at times while later on their stern appearance look like they could melt the bars that are imprisoning her husband.
It would be hard for any writer or director to try to encapsulate the life of an individual who meant so much to so many in just over 2 hours. It truly is an odd feeling when you leave a film wanting more about from what you saw while also thinking it felt a little too long, but that is precisely what happened with MANDELA. Maybe I’m asking for a little too much but I can’t help but feel a better representation of the life of one of the seminal figures in the world of politics could have been achieved with a shift of focus and a closer attention to detail. Because after all . . . a good biopic should breathe life into its audience not feel deflated before it even gets started.
2 1/2 of 5 Stars
MANDELA: LONG WALK TO FREEDOM opens in St. Louis December 25th at (among other places) Landmark’s Plaza Frontenac Theater
Last year WAMG brought you our list of the 15 Best Non-Traditional Christmas Movies to watch after the Holiday ham, pretty presents, and multiple viewings of WHITE CHRISTMAS, HOME ALONE and MIRACLE ON 34th STREET were a thing of Christmas Past.
Minus the warm and fuzzy, our choices are filled snarky mistletoe carnage and crafty comedy – Geek style.
We made a list and checked it twice with our new lineup of the Top 20 Non-Traditional Christmas Movies. You better believe that Santa Claus is coming to town in these “More Naughty Than Nice” films.
We kick off our list with our Honorable Mention –
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
Christmas; It’s the most magical time of the year. High powered businessman Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), is hard at work taking last-minute orders from customers to whom he just can’t say no; like his son, Jamie (Jake Lloyd), asking for the hottest action figure of the season — Turbo Man! Unfortunately, Howard is facing one BIG problem: It’s Christmas Eve, and Turbo Man has been sold out since Thanksgiving! Howard’s down-to-the-wire trek to find Turbo Man quickly turns into an odyssey wilder than he could have ever imagined. In the course of his seemingly endless Yuletide misadventures, he finds himself in a no-holds-barred fight-to-the-finish with a crazed postman named Myron (Sinbad), who is out to claim the last Turbo Man for his kid. It’s enough to scare away even the bravest of men. But to Howard, this is war — and he’s determined to win…no matter what!
20. SANTA’S SLAY
‘TWAS THE FRIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS… Hate to be the bearer of bad news — especially at Christmas but you’ve all been lied to… Santa (former WWE star Bill Goldberg) is not a jolly old man with a big smile handing out toys to good children, he’s the son of Satan who lost a bet 1,000 years ago and was forced into spreading Christmas cheer. Now his 1,000 years are up and he’s after one thing…REVENGE. Finally, his true colours are showing, and he’s taking out his anger on the residents of a small American town.Teenager Nicholas Yuleson finds out that his grandfather is actually the angel who won the bet and now that it is over, Santa Claus wants payback. Nicholas and his girlfriend Mary (Lost star Emilie De Ravin) try to escape from the Killer Claus and find a way to stop his reign of terror before it’s the end of Christmas as we know it.
19. SILENT NIGHT (2012)
In 1984, the slasher classic Silent Night, Deadly Night stunned audiences, was banned across America, and remains the most notorious Christmas movie in history. Now, Santa is back, and he’s got a brand new bag of tricks.
As their small Midwestern town prepares for its annual Christmas Eve parade, Sheriff (Malcolm McDowell of Halloween) and his deputy (Jaime King of My Bloody Valentine 3-D and “Hart Of Dixie”) discover that a maniac in a Santa suit is murdering those he judges as “naughty.” Their sins? Porn, adultery, greed… And he will make sure they rest in heavenly pieces. Donal Logue (Shark Night 3D), Ellen Wong (Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World), Lisa Marie (The Lords of Salem), and Brendan Fehr (“CSI: Miami”) co-star in this brutal and darkly humorous tale of Christmas gone bad.
So you better watch out!!
18. DIE HARD 2
“Ah, what the hell; it’s Christmas!”
Bruce Willis returns as John McClane, an off-duty cop who is the wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time in DIE HARD 2. On a snowy Christmas Eve, as he waits for his wife’s plane to land at Washington Dulles International Airport, terrorists take over the air traffic control system. It’s now up to McClane to take on the terrorists, while coping with an inept airport police chief, an uncooperative anti-terrorist squad and the life of his wife and everyone else trapped in planes circling overhead.
“Just once, I’d like a regular, normal Christmas. Eggnog, a f****n’ Christmas tree, a little turkey. But, no. I gotta crawl around in this motherf****n’ tin can.
17. BLACK CHRISTMAS
BLACK CHRISTMAS (the 1974 version of course), generally acknowledged as the forerunner of the ‘slasher’ genre, is so graphic in its imagination that you don’t even need to see any gore or murder. BLACK CHRISTMAS, which holds up spectacularly well after almost 40 years, tells the tale of a group of sorority sisters that are hounded and harassed by a mysterious obscene crank caller. Circumstances take a disturbing turn when one of the poor gals winds up missing (She’s the one up in the attic throughout the movie! With the plastic bag over her head!). Up next is an investigation and the appearance of a few more dead bodies, ultimately leading up to a finale that will forever be etched in your mind when you tuck under the covers and prepare for sleep (which may actually never come). BLACK CHRISTMAS sports a stellar cast that includes Olivia Hussey (ROMEO AND JULIET), Margot Kidder (acting drunk and slutty), John Saxon (acting drunk and studly), Keir Dullea, and Andrea Martin (who would play the house mother in the forgettable 2006 BLACK CHRISTMAS remake). Add to the mix director Bob Clark, one of the most eclectic independent directors ever, and a born storyteller (the man was responsible for A CHRISTMAS STORY, PORKY’S, and CHILDREN SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH DEAD THINGS). No doubt, if Bob Clark could’ve copyrighted the slasher movie concepts and cliches that he created, he would’ve been just as famous as John Carpenter or Wes Craven, maybe even more.
16. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT, the poster child for Holiday horror films, caused a huge stink when it was released back in 1984. Influential film critic Gene Siskel especially despised the film, going as far to list, on his syndicated TV show, the film’s producers by name and, wagging his finger like a sweater-vested church lady, wailed “shame, shame, shame” after each name. What got Siskel’s holiday hackles up was the distasteful idea to have a slasher film featuring Saint Nick as its bloodthirsty villain. It wasn’t even the first ‘killer Santa’ movie – CHRISTMAS EVIL from 1980 has that distinction) but SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT is the most notorious because it had the balls to be released during the Christmas season and its holiday television ads attracted the ire of overly-sensitive parents, some of who actually went out and picketed various theaters in protest of it. Outraged moms and dads wrote letters to the film’s producers (“My little Billy is afraid to sit in Santa’s lap because of a TV commercial he saw for your disgusting film”). Consequently, the flick got pulled out of the cinemas and in some markets, including St. Louis, it was never shown theatrically at all. It eventually did find a big audience when it was released to video stores and several increasingly inferior sequels were spawned (though the great Monte Hellman directed part 3!). Lost in the controversy is that SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT was actually a pretty solid and scary horror flick. Of course it was never meant for kids, who would likely have been scarred for life if they had seen the opening sequence where an escaped criminal in a Santa suit rapes and kills off a kids mom while the child looks on. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT has plenty of fun bloody death scenes and some great one-liners.
15. ELVES
They don’t work for Santa anymore!
A Nazi doctor obsessed with eugenics decided to create a hybrid race of elves who terrorize a small town during Christmas. The only one who can save the day Christmas is Mike McGavin (Dan Haggerty of TV’s “Grizzly Adams”), the renegade Santa Claus.
14. BAD SANTA
Here’s probably the raunchiest comedy to be set in the holiday season. Thorton’s the most, vile ill-tempered mall Santa ever. He and his “elf” Marcus (Tony Cox) are casing the place for a Christmas Eve robbery for goodness sake! Luckily one of the original “kings of comedy” Bernie Mac as the place’s security chief is on to him. BAD SANTA was the last live action feature film work from John Ritter (who hires the two cons) and the movie’s dedicated to his memory. Also memorable is TV “Gilmore Girl” Lauren Graham as a gal who really, really likes ole’ St. Nick! Really. This was the second fiction feature directed by acclaimed documentarian Terry Zwigoff (CRUMB).
13. RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE
Rare Exports tells the tale of Pietari Kontio played by Onni Tomilla and his widowed Father, Rauno (apparently played by his real life father Jorma Tomilla) and their adventures on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in their tiny village that sits right next to the Russian border. Pietari and his friend cut through the fence separating the two countries to observe an American drilling crew who has arrived in secret (don’t American’s always have something to hide?) to bore a hole into a huge mountain that is actually a burial mound.
Shortly after the drilling starts children start to disappear and weird voodoo looking dolls are left in their place. The reindeer herd upon which the village depends has almost all been slaughtered, and eaten, by what appears to be humans, barefoot humans!
Two words… Gary Busey. Need more? How’s this… Gary Busey as a convicted killer named Millard Findlemeyer sent to the electric chair, only to return as a gingerbread man cookie with a vengenace! Something as dreadfully awesome as this could only come from the mind of low-budget, genre-schlock-meister Charles Band. The writer and director also even wrote and performed an original song for this modern cult Christmas classic. Put on your PJs, grab a glass of milk and fill yourself with the holiday spirit as a questionably sane Gary Busey plays an insane homicidal gingerbread man hellbent on killing the woman who had him killed. Merry Christmas!
11. SUSAN SLEPT HERE
This 1954 holiday set romantic comedy is actually narrated by an Oscar statuette! A struggling veteran screenwriter, played by the former baby-faced tenor of 30′s musicals Dick Powell, is surprised to find a spunky juvenile delinquent under the Christmas tree. It’s Debbie Reynolds, Queen Organa herself (yup, Carrie Fisher’s Mom) just a couple of years after the classic SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN. Also in the cast are future TV stars Anne Francis (“Honey West”) and Alvy Moore (Mr. Kimball on “Green Acres”). This is one of the early feature films directed by former Loony Tunes animator/director Frank Tashlin. Later he would guide the movie careers of Jayne Mansfield and Jerry Lewis.
10. DIE HARD
“All right, listen up guys. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except… the four a**holes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.”
Warms the holiday heart, doesn’t it? NY cop John McClane (Bruce Willis) is invited to his estranged wife’s Christmas Party “by mistake” and goes up against Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman). “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.” While not exactly your traditional holiday movie, this 1987 actioner will add a little spike to your glass of eggnog.
9. BETTER OFF DEAD
Sure, getting dumped for someone “more popular” doesn’t exactly set the mood for the holidays… But Lloyd doesn’t let that, or a crazed paperboy stop him from becoming a winner on the slopes! Well, except for the creative ways that he imagines killing himself… That slows him down a bit. There’s no better time for a dark John Cusack comedy than the holidays!
8. JACK FROST
A snowman might not be my first choice for reincarnation, but in Jack Frost, but that’s the card Jack, a father who is too occupied with his band than his family, is dealt after his untimely death in a car accident. As a snowman, he now has the opportunity to make things right with his son before returning to the afterlife. This snowman tale is sure to warm your heart this holiday season.
7. CHRISTMAS EVIL
John Water’s favorite Christmas movie is the 1980 oddity CHRISTMAS EVIL . After suffering a traumatic childhood experience involving his father in Santa Claus outfit, a disturbed toy factory worker fixates on Santa Claus in an unhealthy way. When Christmas cynicism pushes him over the edge, he takes on the role one Christmas eve to reward the good boys and girls – and to murder the cynics. So when he spies a little girl playing with her doll, that’s fine, she’s being nice – when he sees a little boy reading Penthouse, that’s a different matter.
CHRISTMAS EVIL is a suitably surreal entry in the Christmas horror sub-genre and John Waters described it best: ”CHRISTMAS EVIL has a grubby look and mucky atmosphere, as if it were shot using the same crap film they used to shoot those 1970s drive-in concession-stand ads where the food came out looking wretched when its intention was to lure patrons to the snack bar!” CHRISTMAS EVIL is like a murky, clumsily violent dream an alcoholic stepfather is having during the holidays while passed out in his recliner, translated to shoddy film stock – and that isn’t an effect commonly or easily achieved by any movie. A masterpiece.
6. THE ICE HARVEST
THE ICE HARVEST a great example of modern film noir set, naturally, on Christmas Eve in Wichita, KS. Everybody in the film, including the people you’re supposed to be rooting for, shows an unsavory side. Billy Bob Thornton showed his with equal parts of passion and cunning. John Cusack, playing a mob lawyer involved in a plot to swindle his employer and the local mob out of some money, played his role with enough subtlety that he passes for an attorney, and with enough venom to let us know life has treated him wrong (and he has returned the favor). Everyone else runs the gamut from fawning to mischievous to I-can’t-believe-I’ve-gotta-spend-the-holiday- doing-this angry. It’s no spoiler to reveal that the plot had enough twists to keep any mystery lover happy, but THE ICE HARVEST, based on the novel by St. Louisan (and Wichita native) Scott Phillips, carried far more laughs than the usual December comedy and was a dark, dark way to spend Christmas in 2005.
5. SANTA CLAUS (1959)
Badly dubbed over in English, the madcap Mexican import SANTA CLAUS from 1959 is a peculiar pinata packed with pagan ritual, Arthurian legend and Western malarkey. SANTA CLAUS was one of those whacked out K. Gordon Murray hybrid specials that the famed showman would purchase from Mexico, redub, and unleash to kiddie matinees. As weird as the original version of this film probably was, what with the wind up reindeer, and Satan (called Pitch), and Merlin, and the Chucky doll wearing the cowboy hat, and the Rolling Stones giant lips on the wall and the radar dish with the human ear in the center…you can just lump that all into the category of ‘cultural differences’. I am pretty sure that the original version was a harmless, if somewhat trippy, kid’s film. But once the “English Version” editors got done with it, the results defied description. SANTA CLAUS is aMexican fever dream of a kid’s Christmas movie, made by people who obviously hate children,
4. REINDEER GAMES
Get ready for the jingle bells. After being imprisoned for six years on a grand theft auto charge, Rudy Duncan and his cellmate Nick are finally going to be paroled. After hearing endless stories during his incarceration of Nick’s romantic correspondence to a woman named Ashley he has never met, Rudy is looking forward to returning to his family. When Nick is killed during a prison riot, Rudy decides to assume Nick’s identity and meet up with the unknown woman. Burdened with knowledge of Nick’s Indian casino employment past, Rudy finds himself in too deep with Ashley’s brother Gabriel and is forced to cooperate with a casino robbery that Gabriel and his gang have been planning with Nick in mind. Hold tight to that mug of hot chocolate – it’s going to be a bumpy sleigh ride.
3. REMEMBER THE NIGHT
This little known 1940 Paramount gem is slowly becoming a Christmas perrenial on the TCM (Turner Classics Movies) cable channel. Four years later stars Fred MacMurray and Barbara Stanwyck would team again for the landmark film noir DOUBLE INDEMNITY for director Billy Wilder. In this Preston Sturges story, Stanwyck’s once again is on the wrong side of the law. She’s a shoplifter in the custody of criminal prosecutor MacMurray who ends ups taking her with him to his family home for Christmas. Both actors would have great success in television decades later, Stanwyck with the western drama “The Big Valley” and MacMurray with the long-running family sitcom “My Three Sons”.
2. 3 GODFATHERS
This Western take on the Nativity story was filmed previously as a silent in 1916 and an early black and white “talkie” in 1936. This color version directed by movie master John Ford and starring his frequent collaborator John Wayne in 1948 is perhaps the best remembered. Three outlaws on the run come across a woman dying in an abandoned wagon alongside her infant. After she passes they take her baby and vow to travel across the merciless desert and deliver the child to the nearest town (at the risk of being caught by the law). Wayne’s two cohorts are Pedro Armendariz and Harry Carrey,Jr. (Senior starred in the 1916 film). Also in the cast are Ford stalwarts ward Bond, Ben Johnson, and Mildred Natwick.
1. EDWARD SCISSORHANDS
There is no wrong time to watch Edward Scissorhands! Tim Burton’s imagination combined with a score by Danny Elfman sets the tone for magic that is sure to brighten the holidays. Johnny Depp is wonderful as the sensitive, creative character of Edward… who is just a bit misunderstood. Oh, and try not to smile with delight as Edward makes it snow for the first time in their small town. It’s nothing short of spectacular!
Martin Scorsese’s stylish tale of the drug and sex-fueled rise and fall of a crooked Wall Street banker is a smashing return to form for the director. Hands down the best of the five Scorsese/ Leo DeCaprio collaborations so far, THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is long but its fast-moving storyline and surprisingly robust humor make its three hours zip by. A true story, WOLF is based on the memoirs of Jordan Belfort (DeCaprio), a man who went from financial struggle to one of the most wealthy but immoral and corrupt stockbrokers on Wall Street. Belfort’s mentored into the business by a chest-beating Wall Street slickster (Matthew McConaughey in a canny, one-scene role) who extolls the virtues of snorting coke as an appetizer to a 3-martini lunch. Belfort was hooked, and after having to reinvent himself following the 1987 Black Monday crash, he established the Long Island firm of Stratton Oakmont, one of the first and biggest chop shop brokerage firms in the late 1980s, illegally pumping and dumping artificially inflated stocks. Belfort made the cover of trade industry publications before he was 30, the feds spent years investigating him, and he was ultimately banned from the securities business for life. He eventually served time for fraud and money-laundering.
But that’s not what THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is really about. It’s really about all that Belfort’s money could buy him, namely sex and drugs. But mostly sex. Belfort’s more Caligula than Gordon Gecko and THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is a wall-to-wall cavalcade of perversion: desk sex, bathroom sex, office orgies, airplane orgies, boat orgies, gay orgies, car BJs, elevator BJs, candle wax S&M, dwarf tossing, and something with a pipe and a woman’s butt. Sensitive filmgoers may be appalled by the shameless sexism and wall-to-wall bacchanalia on display (though they can’t complain about the violence – there’s very little), and while it may not reach the Marty heights of TAXI DRIVER/RAGING BULL/GOODFELLAS, THE WOLF OF WALL STREET excites the senses in a way few film-makers even dream of. In every way — from the sets and rich dialogue to the well-portrayed characters and themes of loyalty and betrayal – THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is pure Scorsese. The camera and cutting style the director uses here is as forcefully persuasive as a line of coke, so that we are excited, if not enlightened, by the cocky camaraderie, revelry, and sense of ‘family’ on view in the Stratton Oakmont offices. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is as compelling as Scorsese’s crime dramas and, as is often true of the director’s work, it’s a masterpiece of visual composition. Employing the services of Mexican-born cinematographer Rodrigo Prieto (ARGO) and trusty editor Thelma Schoonmaker, Scorsese eschews a static camera, always keeping the canvas of his film fluid. There are long pans and innovative flourishes including freeze frames, jump cuts, and Leo talking to the camera (a lot!). The epic sweep and energetic film language of THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is anchored by an effortlessly expert performance from Leo DeCaprio. His Jordan Belfort is the picture of amorality, a narcissist who acquires wealth simply to feed his vulgar habits, a charismatic young man who’s never grown up. The women of THE WOLF OF WALL STREET are mostly sexual targets (there’s even a scene price-comparing hooker quality), though Margot Robbie scores some good moments as Naomi, Belfort’s greedy, scorching-hot trophy wife. Kyle Chandler gives the film welcome sobriety as Patrick Denham, the FBI agent who’s constantly a step ahead of Belfort but isn’t having much fun being there. There’s a terrifically written scene where a cocky Jordan invites the agent on his yacht (an 80-foot beauty that’s a character in itself) to test his hand and the two square off. Then there’s Jonah Hill as Belcourt’s first lieutenant Donnie Azoff. I’m not sure if Hill’s buffoonish, flamboyant Jew, whether masturbating in public or swallowing goldfish, is a brilliant comic performance or an undisciplined train wreck but he’s so fun to watch and will have people talking. A slapstick scene where Belcourt and Azoff lose their motor skills after ingesting mega-quaaludes goes on way too long (and would have been more at home in a Jim Carrey movie) and the film gets bogged down with Belcourt’s marital troubles, which aren’t nearly as compelling as the stuff going on at his work (a similar flaw with Sharon Stone slowed down the back half of CASINO, the Marty WOLF most resembles), but you can’t expect a film this dense, ambitious and long to be flawless. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET is the most outrageous film of the year Scorsese’s best since GOODFELLAS.
(L-r) SANDRA BULLOCK, GEORGE CLOONEY and director ALFONSO CUARÓN on the set of Warner Bros. Pictures’ dramatic thriller “GRAVITY,” a Warner Bros. Pictures release. (C) 2013 WARNER BROS. ENTERTAINMENT INC. Photo Credit: MURDO MACLEOD
On this Christmas Eve, orbiting hundreds of miles above the Earth, U.S. astronauts Rick Mastracchio and Michael Hopkins are working outside the International Space Station to repair the cooling system. This is only the second Christmas Eve spacewalk in NASA history.
One can’t help but think of the film GRAVITY. For the two space station astronauts it’s become like a real-life GRAVITY, just without actors Sandra Bullock and George Clooney and the whole having to survive in space after an accident.
In the film Dr. Ryan Stone (Bullock) is a brilliant medical engineer on her first shuttle mission, with veteran astronaut Matt Kowalski (Clooney) in command. But on a seemingly routine mission, disaster strikes. The shuttle is destroyed, leaving Stone and Kowalski completely alone—tethered to nothing but each other and spiraling out into the blackness. The deafening silence tells them they have lost any link to Earth…and any chance for rescue.
“I have always had a fascination with space and space exploration,” states Alfonso Cuarón, the director, producer and co-writer of the dramatic thriller “Gravity.” He continues, “On the one hand, there is something mythical and romantic about the idea of separating yourself from Mother Earth. But in many ways, it doesn’t make sense to be out there when life is down here.”
Right now there are people working in a place where there is very little separation between life and death. The inherent dangers of spaceflight have grown in the decades since we first began venturing beyond our own atmosphere…and those increasing dangers are manmade. The refuse from past missions and defunct satellites has formed a debris field that can cause disaster in an instant. NASA has even given the scenario a name: the Kessler Syndrome.
Watch this new behind-the-scenes look at the film.
The filmmakers knew that they would need to push the boundaries of moviemaking to tell a story that transpires wholly in zero gravity. “I have to say that I was a bit naïve; I thought making the film would be a lot simpler,” Cuarón admits. “Yes, I knew it would require a certain amount of tricks, but it was not until we started trying conventional techniques that I realized in order to do the film the way I wanted to do it, we were going to have to create something entirely new.”
To accomplish that, Cuarón called upon cinematographer Emmanuel “Chivo” Lubezki, and visual effects supervisor Tim Webber of Framestore. “From the get-go, Chivo, Tim and I decided we wanted everything to look like we took our camera into space. That would have been my dream, but, of course, that’s not feasible,” Cuarón smiles.
Simply put—though there was nothing simple about it—the filmmakers did not want anything akin to a sci-fi fantasy world, but rather to depict the stark realities of being marooned in the harshest environment known to mankind.
That objective turned out to be a game changer.
The filmmakers invented entire systems to generate the illusion of being in space in ways that were both totally convincing and utterly visceral.
Cuarón also utilized music to, as he says, “take the role of sound or give a tonal suggestion of sound.”
Freemantle collaborated closely with composer Steven Price to layer the two components. Price says, “It was great working with Glenn and his team. They were using vibrations and low frequencies to subtly underpin the action, so you feel the impacts without hearing them in the traditional sense. I wanted to do that in a different way with the music.”
Cuarón offers, “I wanted the music to be textural, to blur the line between music and sound, so I told Steve I didn’t want any percussion. It was a challenge for him because he had to score all the action and suspense without some of the fundamental instruments he would normally use in a conventional action score. He began blending more electronics with acoustic instruments to cause pulsations in place of percussion. Once he landed the concept, he just started flying with it.”
“It was a case of building intensity in the music without the usual orchestra,” Price adds. “It freed me to try anything, and do my own version of what an action cue or an emotional cue would be. The great thing about Alfonso is he’s looking to push things as far as they can go, so you’re inspired to try things you would never have thought of.”
Apart from the actor’s performances, almost all of GRAVITY was accomplished with a seamless fusion of CGI and computer animation, requiring the total orchestration of man and machine.
“‘Gravity’ may be the most challenging project in which I’ve ever been involved,” producer David Heyman states. “There were so many facets and everyone contributed so much to achieve something unique. It is beautiful, elegant filmmaking whose complexity and difficulty tested everybody to the umpteenth degree. But none of that is visible.”
Alfonso Cuarón concludes, “It was a total collaboration, combining all the different elements of the images and sounds and extraordinary performances. We want audiences to come along on this journey…to share in the experience of floating weightless in the stunning but terrifying realm of space.”
Directed by Ivan Reitman, here’s the first trailer for DRAFT DAY.
On the day of the NFL Draft, general manager Sonny Weaver (Kevin Costner) has the opportunity to save football in Cleveland when he trades for the number one pick. He must quickly decide what he’s willing to sacrifice in pursuit of perfection as the lines between his personal and professional life become blurred on a life-changing day for a few hundred young men with dreams of playing in the NFL.
Also featuring Jennifer Garner, Ellen Burstyn, Denis Leary, Frank Langella, Chadwick Boseman, and Sean Combs as well asNFL & ESPN on-air talent Jon Gruden, Mike Mayock, Deion Sanders, Rich Eisen, Mel Kiper and Chris Berman.
Jon Hamm stars as sports agent JB Bernstein in the first trailer and poster for MILLION DOLLAR ARM. (via Grantland).
Disney will release the film on May 16, 2014.
Based on a true story, Disney’s MILLION DOLLAR ARM follows JB Bernstein, a once-successful sports agent who now finds himself edged out by bigger, slicker competitors.
He and his partner Aash (Aasif Mandvi) will have to close their business down for good if JB doesn’t come up with something fast. Late one night, while watching cricket being played in India on TV, JB comes up with an idea so radical it just might work. Why not go to there and find the next baseball pitching sensation? Setting off for Mumbai with nothing but a gifted but cantankerous scout (Alan Arkin) in tow, JB stages a televised, nationwide competition called “Million Dollar Arm” where 40,000 hopefuls compete before two 18-year-old finalists, Rinku and Dinesh (Suraj Sharma, Madhur Mittal), emerge as winners. JB brings them back to the United States to train with legendary pitching coach Tom House (Bill Paxton). The goal: get the boys signed to a major league team.
Not only is the game itself difficult to master, but life in the U.S. with a committed bachelor makes things even more complicated—for all of them. While Rinku and Dinesh learn the finer points of baseball and American culture, they in turn teach JB the true meaning of teamwork and commitment. Ultimately, what began as a purely commercial venture becomes something more and leads JB to find the one thing he was never looking for at all – a family.
Directed by Craig Gillespie (“Lars and the Real Girl,” “Fright Night”), the film is produced by Mark Ciardi and Gordon Gray, through their Mayhem Pictures, and Joe Roth, under his Roth Films banner, with Palak Patel and Kevin Halloran serving as executive producers. Tom McCarthy (“Win Win,” “The Visitor”) wrote the screenplay.
The film also stars Bill Paxton (“Haywire,” “Hatfields & McCoys”), Lake Bell (“What Happens in Vegas,” “It’s Complicated”), Suraj Sharma (“Life of Pi”), Aasif Mandvi (“The Daily Show,” “Margin Call”), Madhur Mittal (“Slumdog Millionaire”), Pitobash (“Three Idiots,” “Shanghai”) and Academy Award®–winner Alan Arkin. A.R. Rahman (“127 Hours,” “Slumdog Millionaire”) is scoring the film. MILLION DOLLAR ARM was shot on locations in India, Georgia and Los Angeles.
Two weeks ago I posted the first part of my most recent interview with Dan Fogler, which you can check out right HERE. In that video, we mostly talked about his graphic novel MOON LAKE which is available now for anyone looking for a last minute Christmas gift. I promised there was more and I wasn’t kidding. After going through 40+ minutes of footage, here is part 2 in which I chat with Fogler about several upcoming projects including DON PEYOTE, Kyle Newman’s BARELY LETHAL & his hope for a FANBOYS 2.
As you may remember from previous articles, DON PEYOTE is Fogler’s second film behind the camera and stars himself along with a ton of great celebrity cameos including Anne Hathaway, Josh Duhamel, Topher Grace, and Jay Baruchel. Having seen a nearly finished cut of this psychotic acid trip of a film, I cannot wait for it to be unleashed upon the world. But until then, this video will have to do…
While chatting, Dan also gave us a very exclusive brief sneak peak at a super secret project that he is working on. It is so secret that it had to be put in a second video just in case the powers that be make us take it down. I’ve already had to blur out some of the clip he shows us. Dan refused to give me any hard details and swore me to secrecy on the little bit he did divulge. All I can say is that he is working with some awesome people on it and it may involve a fair bit of action. Enjoy!
