RED ONE – Review

Take those jack o’lanterns to the dumpster, it’s Christmas time, at least according to the multiplex (and Thanksgiving gets very little screen time other than PLANES, TRAINS, AND AUTOMOBILES). One such flick is already getting moviegoers in the “spirit” with the modestly budgeted THE BEST CHRISTMAS PAGEANT EVER packing them in after only a week. Well, it’s time for the big studios to load up your stocking with lots of action and firepower. Hey, we get plenty of holiday comedies and romances, so how about a butt-kickin” Kringle? That’s the formula for this, an expansion of the movie within a movie “The Day the Reindeer Died” from the opening of 1988’s SCROOGED, along with lotsa’ laughs in between explosions and a heartful message snuck in. Hopefully, it comes together like a warm fruitcake (and probably tastier) in RED ONE.

Unlike many holiday tales (especially variants of “A Christmas Carol”), this one begins with a flashback as little Jack O’Malley sours the eggnog by debunking the Santa mythos at a big family gathering. Jump cut to now as Santa Claus AKA Nick (J.K. Simmons) is listening to the gift lists from a long line of kids in a busy mall. Luckily a very big, buffy helper/elf named Callum (Dwayne Johnson) is there to make things go smoothly. When the line ends, the two are whisked through a secret exit because this Nick is the “real deal”. He likes to speak with the kiddos to get in the proper mood before he’s on his rounds the next day. And thanks to the secret government agency M.O.R.A. (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority) headed by Zoe Harlow (Lucy Liu), they head to the North Pole, through the invisible force field that hides Santa’s workshop where Mrs. Claus (Bonnie Hunt) is working with various creatures (including a talking polar bear) on making all the presents. Meanwhile, the now adult Jack (Chris Evans) is using his criminal skills to nab a top-secret piece of tech for an unknown client. Oh, it turns out that Callum is indeed an E.L.F. (Enforcement Logistics and Fortification), who is planning on retiring after centuries on the job. But something is off, as he sees several lights go out on the big tower. Oh no, they’ve been breached and a heavily equipped band of raiders has grabbed Nick. They’ve got to find him in order to save Christmas. Zoe points him to Jack, and after picking up his pre-teen son from school (things are strained after the divorce), he’s “detained” by the ELF squad. Callum and Jack must team up to find the tech buyer. The squabbling duo embarks on a worldwide trail that leads them to Santa’s half-brother Krampus (Kristofer Hivju) who has a connection to a powerful witch named Gryla (Kernan Shipka) who will stop at nothing to turn all those yuletide dreams into unending nightmares if Callum and Jack don’t thwart her plans in time.

The big “draw” in this bombastic holiday havoc is probably Johnson, though there’s not much to Callum. He’s there to look intimidating and cool (usually with some rockin’ shades) and to try and convince us that this is his last “big show”. Sure, his action “moves” are quite impressive, but he’s mainly a “straight man” counterpoint to Evans (attempting to tarnish his “shield”) as the cynical wise guy Jack. It’s admirable that he’s veering into “bad guy” (maybe a rascally rogue) territory, but he’s saddled with a trite character arc that we can see coming down Candy Cane Lane. Simmons seems to be having the most fun as the “jacked” St. Nick (lots of time in the weight room), and his scenes with the kids delight, but unfortunately, he’s “out of the picture” for the bulk of action (a nice special effects heavy stunt sequence in the finale almost makes up for that). The forever fierce Liu is always welcome on the big screen, though here she mainly barks orders into monitors and is a version of “the guy at the desk”, until her time to show off her fighting skills in the finale. As for the terrific comic actors involved, the wonderful Hunt is there to chide Santa and wring her hands in worry, while Nick Kroll mugs up a storm as an underworld kingpin who’s afraid of Shipka’s Gryla. Perhaps this is a big promotion from teen witch Sabrina, but not nearly as wicked as Sally Draper in “Mad Men”, as she vamps it up in several slinky black Halloween cast-off costumes. A much more engaging villain is Hivju, delivering the snark and menace as the towering Krampus who deserves a spin-off sequel.

Calling the shots on this holiday hybrid flick is Jake Kasdan, who had guided Johnson in the two recent JUMANJI reboots. And there is a sense of satiric fun in the big set-ups in the first act. This is particularly true in the new spins on the Kringle legend dreamt up by screenwriters Chris Morgan and Hiram Garcia as Santa’s village becomes an artic Wakanda (why not do a bit of Marvel “borrowing” since two MCU vets are in the cast), full of cool gizmos to streamline the “delivery day” and answer those kid queries (thinking ANT-MAN style antics). But by the time the “Nick-napping” occurs, we’re weary of the often stilted CGI effects, from the small minion-like workers to that lumbering polar bear (in his own E.L.F. vest) to a trio of snowmen assassins who wandered out of a video game. I’ll toss a few kudos to those who decided to forgo motion-capture for Krampus and instead out Hivju in an “old school” prosthetic full body makeup and kin (reminding me of Tim Curry in 1985’s LEGEND). But then the story gets bogged down with long chases, silly bits of business that fall flat (especially in the “contest” at Krampus castle), and the hamfisted heartstring ‘tugging in changing Jack’s deadbeat dad ways. This all contributes to its over two-hour runtime (a hundred minutes would help loads), which could make the lil’ ones squirm, though there are some horrific scenes that could scare and a leering shot of bikini babes on the beach. Maybe those are aimed at the teenagers, but they probably won’t care for the sentimentality and the bits of myth whimsy. This isn’t the big lump of coal that the trailers promised, but it’s doubtful that Buddy the Elf, Jack Skellington, Ralphie, or even THE SANTA CLAUSE will be displaced as a year-end classic by RED ONE.

2 Out of 4

RED ONE is now playing in theatres everywhere