SHE IS CONANN – Review

Let’s begin with the title, SHE IS CONANN. One might expect a distaff approximation of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1982 CONAN THE BARBARIAN, its sequel CONAN THE DESTROYER two years later, and the zillion, or so, incarnations those spawned in live action or anime over the following 41 years. Or a reboot of 1985’s RED SONJA, in which statuesque Brigitte Nielsen matched Ahnuld’s Kalidor (think Conan Lite) blow-for-blow. But, as the Pythons would say, “And now for something completely different…”

This version comes from France, Belgium and Luxembourg. It’s sort of a post-apocalyptic or alternate universe piece of mysticism, with time travel in the mix. The tale is narrated in a wraparound with an elderly Conann telling her story to a possible successor to her throne, guided by dog-faced vassal, Rainer (Elina Lowensohn). I didn’t mention who plays Conann because every 10 years she meets her future self and morphs into the elder with a new actress. One time her change is from Caucasian to a shorter Black woman’s body; a decade later, she becomes a tall, skinny Tilda Swinton look-alike. Ebeneezer Scrooge’s ghosts were much easier on the old curmudgeon than the Conanns were on their younger selves. I don’t know why this Conann is spelled with two n’s. Perhaps in their universe, that’s what they made from Adam’s rib.

The sets are inexplicably surreal, with wardrobe to match. The opening temporal setting for them (God only knows when it is compared to our past or future) has them all dressed in pelts, living in caverns and using spears and swords. But several denizens frequently snap pictures with flash cameras! Conann starts as girl abducted and tortured by the prior queen until she’s toughened up enough to start taking over. There’s considerable gore, including some tasty (for those so inclined) bits of cannibalism, along the way. Since the film is mainly in B&W, including almost all the nastiest segments, their visceral impact is somewhat muted. Even so, those tending to lose their lunch during eviscerations and other yucky activities should look elsewhere for their escapist entertainment.

The cast is almost all female, with lesbian relationships among several. There’s kissing and foreplay periodically but virtually no nudity or protracted sex scenes. Writer/director Bertrand Mandico invested more resources in elaborate, largely creepy sets and the wide array of unlikely costumes than in plot coherence. There’s a lot of ambiguity, creating a combination of the 1970s’ French New Wave and American psychedelia, backed by a score that’s all over the place. The switches among color, B&W, and the latter with highlighted parts of scenes in color seem fairly random. Or maybe they’re drenched with purpose and message that went over my head. This film might be better appreciated with the aid of appropriate substances.

There is quite a bit of dialog about empowering women – especially during the second half – but it rings rather hollow in the context of who are delivering the lines and what they’re actually doing. Lowensohn, perhaps the best-known cast member on this side of the Atlantic, may have pissed off Mandico in one of their several previous collaborations, since her lovely, expressive face is almost completely covered throughout, while our view of all the other major players’ visages is largely unimpeded. I’d call that a loss for her and her fans.

SHE IS CONANN, in English, French and German, with English subtitles, opens Friday, Feb. 9, in theaters.

RATING: 1 out of 4 stars