JUNGLE CRUISE – Review

Alrighty, who’s ready for some theme park fun and thrills? What, you say you don’t want to wait in the long lines in the hot, hot sun way too close to possibly infected throngs of people? Oh, and don’t get me started on those inflated parking fees (after traffic jams) and concession prices! Well, how about your favorite ride coming to you.? Well, not exactly, but close by, say the nearby multiplex cinema. That’s part of the thinking behind this weekend’s big, big movie release. Oh, and starting a new franchise (of course). That’s why the “mouse house” has their gloved fingers (and tails crossed). Could they have another PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, or could it go the way of the COUNTRY BEARS (y’know from the Jamboree)? It all depends on how many moviegoers hop aboard this big ole’ JUNGLE CRUISE.

Before we leave port, we’re treated to a mythic prologue all about the “Tears of the Moon”, magical leaves from an also magical tree hidden somewhere on the banks of the Amazon River. It’s said that those ‘tears’ can cure any disease, heal any injury, and ensure immortality. Centuries ago a band of conquistadors led by Aguirre (Edgar Ramirez) invaded the village of the lost tribe that guarded that tree. After fatally stabbing the chief, a curse is placed on Aguirre and his band. They’re swallowed up by the forest, trapped forever in suspended animation. Somehow an arrowhead, essential to the fabled map of the tree’s location, is found and sent to the British Explorers’ Society in 1916. That’s where researcher MacGregor Houghton (Jack Whitehall) pleads with the assembled members to borrow the piece to seek the tree. But he’s just a distraction. His “head-strong ” sister Lily (Emily Blunt) makes her way to the storage area to grab the arrowhead. Turns out she’s just a few steps ahead of a nefarious German prince, Joachim (Jesse Plemons), who has bribed the club’s staff to grab the piece for his country. He shakes his fists as Lily makes a daring escape and heads to South American with her brother in tow. Ah, but once there, she needs to hire river transportation. Luckily she soon meets Frank Wolff (Dwyane Johnson), who’s barely getting by as a cruise guide for tourists, part of a fleet owned by the greedy Nilo (Paul Giamatti). And in lieu of money owed, he’s taken the engine from Frank’s boat. But thanks to Lily’s lock-picking skills, Frank gets said engine back and accepts her generous offer to take them to find the tree, Unfortunately, Joachim is also down there and he’s commanding a submarine. Can Frank help the Houghton siblings locate those magical leaves before he does? And then things get really complicated when Aguirre and his now supernatural soldiers awaken. How will our heroes survive?

Johnson has his charm at full speed as he gleefully spews out a multitude of “groaner’ “dad-jokes” (mostly lifted from the spiel of the guides on the original Disney theme park ride attraction) and makes Frank more than a “hulked-out” Charlie Allnutt (from the now 70-year-old classic THE AFRICAN QUEEN. Though it’s tough to imagine any foe being a physical challenge, his main obstacles are his employers. Of the two, there’s a playful teasing schoolyard banter with Blunt’s Lily who mixes Rose Sayer (from…y’know) and Lara Croft (and maybe a pinch of Poppins). She’s a feisty force for female empowerment, only occasionally in need of rescue, though often a “damsel-in-distress”. Actually, her brother MacGregor, as played by Whitehall, is the panicky “dude-in-distress”, seeming to be in a constant threat of fainting, when he’s not “overpacking” for the excursion. Whitehall’s mainly a comic foil/sidekick, which makes his impassionated mid-film confession seem out of place in this frothy bit of fluff. Still, he’s more endearing than the villainous buffoons that two of our most talented character actors are burdened with. Plemons, so wonderful in GAME NIGHT, preens and prances as the Teutonic twit Joachim, a stereotype more at home in countless WW II two-reelers. Not far behind in the “mugging contest’ is Giamatti, complete with cane, gleaming gold-tooth, and Italian accent (which seems to come and go with the tide) as the always apoplectic Nilo, yet another ineffectual boss (much as in recent misfire GUNPOWDER MILKSHAKE) in his long resume. Nilo’s shaking his fist, as his property is destroyed around him, much as James Finlayson did as the nemesis of Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy. It’s no test for Mr. Giamatti’s considerable talents. The real “bad guy’ menace is provided by Ramirez and company, though their faces are a pallette for lots of flashy CGI gimmickry.

A veteran of several modestly-budgeted Liam Neeson thrillers, director Jaume Collet-Serra goes from the “farm team’ to the “big show” as the “traffic cop” is this frenetic by-product of franchise-frenzy. He’s not given much of a chance to explore the characters before another big action “set piece’ must commence, checked off from the script’s lengthy list of distractions (five writers churned this out). It’s a clunky, noisy mess that tries too hard to mimic vastly superior flicks. I remarked to my screening guest that this was “regurgitated” (maybe “rancid” is more like it) RAIDERS (as in OF THE LOST ARK), while he replied that a better comparison would be to the 1999 take on THE MUMMY (so Raiders twice removed). I remarked that it’s similar to comparing a new sci-fi fantasy to THE ICE PIRATES. And speaking of them, the gnarly, near-unstoppable baddies owe much to the oceanic menaces of the CARIBBEAN series, with one oozing honey and bees, as another shoots slithery CGI snakes out of every orifice. Oh, and the visual effects often seem “slap dashed as a weird glow envelopes the leads as they emote in front of a generated backdrop (almost as bad as those thick black lines in the olden days of rear-projection). And then there’s that cheetah, who would’ve looked phony in any version of Dr. Doolittle. Of course, we’ve got to see some “product placement” as a Perrier sign nearly pops off the screen during the big London stunt shot. The gifted James Newton Howard provides a bombastic score that should have John Williams consulting his legal team. His music gets extra “cutesy” as Frank and Lily taunt each other with the nicknames “Pants” and “Skippy” (this is witty banter). And then much of the suspense erodes away by a deranged “reveal twist” before the big third act (though the flick, like many action epics, has four endings too many). For the most part, the behind-the-scenes artists do a decent job of recreating the 1910’s (now who then would wear a purple velvet jacket like the oafish Joachim), but it’s all in a disparate mishmash of genres and vastly superior older flicks. If this hits, could “It’s a Small World” starring Johnson’s JUMANJI co-stars Kevin Hart and Danny DeVito be in the “pipeline”? “Shudder”. Please no, since this JUNGLE CRUISE has left me quite “green around the gills”. Pass me the quinine, quick!

One-Half Out of 4

JUNGLE CRUISE opens in theatres everywhere and can be streamed via Premier Access on Disney+.