F9 – Review

I’ve enjoyed most of the first eight FAST AND FURIOUS films. That made this ninth installment, F9, all the more disappointing. Granted, the whole premise of this handful of outside-the-law car nuts evolving from petty crooks and party animals to international espionage super studs, while still being societal outcasts, requires a hefty suspension of the ol’ disbelief. This chapter raises that particular ante beyond acceptable levels.

First of all, we learn how Dominic Toretto’s (Vin Diesel) father died. We also discover that he has a brother (John Cena) who’s never been mentioned in the first eight films, despite all of Dom’s blather about the “importance of family”, including significant roles in the early films for his sister (Jordana Brewster). Not only does Dom have a kid bro, but that lad’s grown up to be one of the heavies behind a ridiculous world-domination scheme in this unplanned reunion. There’s a sibling rivalry that simmered and sibl-ed in silence for a few decades.

As a result, the viewer must endure a swarm of flashbacks interrupting the present-day, globe-trotting crisis. Intriguingly (a word rarely finding relevance in this film), the actor playing Dom’s younger self is named Vinnie Bennett, and looks enough like Vin to have been the result of cloning. If not, he must have at least been named Vinnie due to parental prescience about their boy’s career destiny.

We also get a whole bunch of warm fuzzies as cast members from earlier installments, including one presumed to have been all blowed up a couple of movies ago, add more emotional moments (mainly shown by macho hugs) than one action film should contain. I assume the F&F series has fostered its analog to Trekkies, who will be as moved as the characters in those exchanges. Toretto must be an easier language to master than Klingon, especially since the word “family” serves as the key to the code, the way the commonality of the letter “e” works in English ciphers.

On the plus side, many of the sets are stunning, and the action sequences deliver the rush all adrenaline junkies in the house will expect. A couple of stunts are truly beyond belief, even for this sort of flick. Regarding the former, I was disappointed to see that outer space was not listed as a shooting location, since one of the most unlikely bits of business occurs in Earth’s orbit. That CGI portion is little more outlandish (inadvertent pun) than much of what occurs here on Terra Firma. As to the mayhem factor, one vehicular chase sequence may rank among the all-time leaders in duration,  number of destroyed cars, trucks and more. Godzilla usually inflicts less damage on Tokyo than what these folk do to Tbilisi, Georgia.

Sources indicate that this is the first F&F feature without Chris Morgan as a writer. That makes him look like a friggin’ genius in absentia. Way to go, Chris. Make ‘em miss ya.

As for your faithful correspondent, I spent 16 months at home reviewing from whatever screeners distributors offered by limited-access streaming. My first two returns to actual theaters were for clunkers – The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard and this. As supposedly stated in 1935 by Joe Jacobs – a disenchanted first time baseball stadium attendee –  “I shouldda stood in bed.”

Or to be more succinct – F9? F them.

F9 opens Friday, June 25, at various theaters and streaming.

RATING: 1 out of 4 stars