NORM OF THE NORTH – The Review

Sometimes a film critic has to throw himself or herself on a bomb for the good of the movie-going public. One such bomb is NORM OF THE NORTH. I see these movies so you don’t have to.

NORM OF THE NORTH is an animated movie about a polar bear that has to go to New York to save his Arctic home. What could go wrong with that kids’ movie premise? Well, in the case of “Norm of the North,” everything. What is the threat that Norm and his little lemming buddies want to save their home from – climate change? oil drilling? No, it is a housing development. Yeah, this Arctic is threatened with gentrification, at the hands of a billionaire developer named Mr. Greene (wink, wink).

Yep, that is about as funny as this film gets.

Norm (voiced by Rob Schneider) is a clumsy polar bear who is object of ridicule among the residents – caribou, orcas, seals, lemmings, other polar bears – in his frozen Arctic seaside home. He is not only a bad hunter but it too soft-hearted to actually eat the few seals he does catch (what he does live on we never learn). The Arctic animals seem to spend their days waiting for tourist ships to show up, so they can put on a show for them. Really – show-biz singing and dancing with costumes and a few Sea World type stunts. It seems pretty strange but to these characters, it is normal. However, Norm is not fond of the tourists and does not think they belong in the Arctic. Still, Norm has a knack for dancing, which he uses to entertain his family, and another, unwanted gift – he can speak “human.” This ability to talk to people is a quirk he shares with his beloved Grandpa (voice of Colm Meaney), who thinks Norm could become the King of the North.

One day, something new shows up on the ice – a house – along with a real estate marketing director named Vera (Heather Graham) and a crew to shoot a commercial for the new development from Greene Homes. The plan is to sell luxury condos in the Arctic. Norm worries that the Arctic home will suffer to same fate as his flamingo friend’s in Florida – first tourists, then year-round homes. He determines to go to New York, along with his durable lemming friends, to stop real estate developer Mr. Greene’s (Ken Jeong) nefarious plan to turn the Arctic into the next Florida.

Turning the Arctic into the next Florida is a kind-of back door climate change reference but not one children are going to get. I guess one has to give the creators of this animated mess some credit for coming up with the weirdest premise ever.  Unfortunately, the creativity pretty much stops there. Story and character elements of other kids’ movies are recycled, including bits of “The Lion King” and “Happy Feet.” The animation is lackluster at best. Even worse, “Norm of the North” is not even funny.

Most of the movie is pretty serious about its absurd “save our home” premise. What little humor it has hardly brings a chuckle – mostly fart, poop and pee jokes, some lame jokes for parents, and jabs the villainous Mr. Greene. Greene is a big ego who sports a pony-tail, wears ’70s clothes, and decorates his fancy office with Asian themes, practicing meditation while abusing his employees. At one point, there is even a throwaway line about a one-dimensional villain – that is about as funny as it gets. The writers use their Arctic location for set jokes about Sea World, tourists, card-playing caribou, movie directors and real estate – jokes so weak one hardly cracks a smile – then move the story to New York, where they miss all chances for any fish-out-of-water humor based on the idea of a polar bear in New York.

It is no wonder the studio dumped this smelly kettle of fish of a movie in the January doldrums, The question is why it did not go straight to video. One can guess that the creators of this frozen mess were trolling for some unsuspecting parents who are fishing for a family movie in this month’s sea of grown-up Oscar-hopeful films. Don’t take the bait.

NORM OF THE NORTH opens in theaters on Friday, January 15, 2016.

OVERALL RATING:  1 OUT OF 5 STARS