SEVENTH SON – The Review

Just as the film bludgeoned me almost immediately over the head with its insipid nature, I’m going to just jump right into the plot of SEVENTH SON, or at least what I can make of it. It’s hard to decipher exactly what Jeff Bridges is saying under his accent that sounds like a cross between Gandalf and Bane from THE DARK KNIGHT RISES but I’ll do my best. A young Master Gregory (Jeff Bridges) locks up a powerful witch that goes by the name Mother Malkin (Julianne Moore) in a cave atop a mountain as the film begins. She remains restrained until a “Blood Moon” rises – something that happens once every century – which then causes her to transform into a dragon and escape her slumber. In those years that have passed, Gregory has continued to become a powerful “spook” (think wizard/witch-slayer). Malkin’s return though results in the death of his most recent squire and her quest for vengeance begins. Enter farm boy Luke Skywalker who wants to learn the ways of the… sorry, I mean Tom Ward (Ben Barnes). Gregory comes to the boy because he’s the seventh son of the seventh son who was born on the seventh month and who worked at a 7-Eleven on 7^th Street. From there the two set off to track Malkin, her witchy sister, and her sister’s witchy daughter who also happens to have eyes for Luke Skywal… Tom. But don’t worry, not all witches are evil as we learn. So there may be hope for the young lovers after all (cue eye roll). There’s also a powerful amulet that Tom has that the witches need to become more powerful, magical creatures, and armies of soldiers willing to do Malkin’s bidding which include Djimon Hounsou as a character who throws chains, because this former Oscar nominee has nothing better to do these days but play small bit parts in films like this and last year’s GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY. Master Gregory and Tom must work together to stop this ancient evil before the next “Blood Moon” sets and Malkin becomes more powerful. Because you know… transforming into a dragon wasn’t enough or anything.

Given the fact that Steven Knight wrote and directed one of my favorite films of last year, LOCKE, I went into SEVENTH SON with cautiously optimistic expectations. The fact that he served as a co-writer on a film with dragons and other mythological creatures, I expected a somewhat intelligent adventure flick or at the very least a fun no-brainer throwback to the days where Ray Harryhausen used movie magic to drop fantastical creatures into the world of courageous heroes. Sadly, SEVENTH SON is far (very far, indeed) from capturing the heroic excitement associated with those films. In fact it doesn’t even come closer to recent and much more successful attempts such as SOLOMON KANE and WRATH OF THE TITANS (that latter of which is more of a guilty pleasure for me). SEVENTH SON is nothing but hallow, visual clutter that is cobbled together to form something that struggles to appeal to the D&D or THE LORD OF THE RINGS crowd; both of which are smarter than this nonsense. It’s no wonder that this painful mess has been delayed until now. This SON was supposed to have arrived last summer, but for some reason it was delayed until this February – not a good sign given that the first two months of the year are typically viewed as dumping grounds for studios.

SEVENTH SON is horribly bland. Actors shuffle about in a dazed fashion serving only as a means to explain the plot, all the while poor CGI effects pop in and out of frame in an attempt to hold the audience’s attention. Trust me… you are going to need more than a cheap Guillermo Del Toro creature knock-off to keep you from checking your watch during the film. Witches, dragons, and “bogarts” (not exactly sure the name because Bridges, again, is mainly indecipherable throughout most of the film) fly across the screen in a blurry manner due to the sloppy 3-D post-conversion. Thankfully the real life sets add some much needed punch and artistry. Several scenes are filled with imaginative and detailed sets that evoke the medieval fantasy environments that Joseph Delaney’s novel must have conveyed to young readers. But what is the audience supposed to feel when you have actors standing around these sets hopelessly spouting lines just to collect a paycheck?

Jeff Bridges may seem like he’s trying his damned best to formulate something that resembles an old “spook” as they say in the film, but his incredible failure is greater than others due to the caliber of acting we’ve seen from him before. I was practically speechless at the sight of his performance and the levels of Nicolas Cage stupidity on display here. He gives “The Cage” a challenge for the most quote-worthy dumb phrases in a film between this and THE WICKER MAN remake. I can see the YouTube compilations now chockfull of zingers like, “You are now living in a world where dreams and nightmares exist.”

Aside from the work from some well meaning artists laboring over the costumes, makeup, and sets, there is nothing redeeming about SEVENTH SON. Spending anymore time examining the film or its many, many problems seems like more effort than the writers, actors, and the director gave the film. Studios like Legendary seem desperate to find a hot new franchise as Hollywood is all but enamored with the idea of building “universes,” especially with the demise of HARRY POTTER and THE HUNGER GAMES coming to an end. There’s evidence at times of the producers grasping at the thought of a greater franchise, but most everyone involved act as if they know that that isn’t going to come to pass. So too does the audience. We’re going to be waiting long after the unforeseen “Blood Moon” for a follow-up to this fantastical failure.

Overall rating: 1 out of 5

SEVENTH SON is now playing in theaters everywhere