JUPITER ASCENDING – The Review

Here’s a movie oddity for this time of year. While we’re shoveling and shivering, a big-time space epic blasts into theatres. But, to borrow a phrase from the airlines, its arrival was delayed just over six months. Hmm, odd indeed. Oh, and this one isn’t completely set in one of those galaxies far, far away. A good chunk of this tale rests on that city of big shoulders. It purports that alien races are battling away, hidden from view, right under our noses. I flashed right back to one of those classic made-for-TV flicks from 1970, “The Love War” about aliens in human form fighting on Earth (Lloyd Bridges and Angie Dickinson are from opposing forces who, of course, fall hard for each other). And with this story we’ve got a downtrodden human unaware that they have special gifts that can save the planet. That theme goes back to the Man of Steel, followed by THE LAST STARFIGHTER, and, in a twist, THE MATRIX. Well in another odd circumstance our new movie is from the minds behind that 1999 game-changer. Time for another mind-trippin’ flight from the Wachowskis as we all observe JUPITER ASCENDING.

Strapped in then? Here’s the wild story. We first meet two star-crossed lovers in Russia. When Tragedy strikes, the woman, along with her family, leave their homeland for the great USA aboard a freighter, where, inside a boxcar, she gives birth to a baby girl. Years later, said grown-up gal Jupiter (dad loved gazing at the stars) Jones (Mila Kunis) works as a house cleaner alongside her immigrant family in Chicago. Meanwhile on a far-off planet, the members of the Abrasax family dynasty have plans for Earth and Jupiter. When she goes into a health care clinic, the staff members are really spindly aliens out to kill her. Luckily military hunter Caine (Channing Tatum) zooms in for a rescue. Turns out the dazed damsel is, due to her genetic make-up, really the Queen of Earth (really). The devious evil member of the space clan, Balem (Eddie Redmayne) had sent the assassins in a scheme to take over our planet and harvest its riches. Seems that Caine has been sent to whisk her away to his brother Titus (Douglas Booth) and sister Kalique (Tupence Middleton). But Balem will stop at nothing and soon Caine battles insurmountable forces to save Earth and its royalty, the stunned and smitten former maid Ms. Jones.

The hook that may draw in most of the non-SF fans will be the pairing of media magazine faves Tatum and Kunis. Unfortunately the sparks never really seem to ignite between them. Perhaps it’s because so much of their time is spent escaping capture and evading the baddies. The loose, easy-going side of Tatum is not found here as he sports a wispy gold goatee and pointy ears that make him resemble a Vulcan terrier. Oh yeah, he’s a ‘splicer’, someone who’s had his DNA mixed with an animal, in his case, a canine.  O…kay.He handles the action well enough, blasting away with a mini cannon while swooping and hovering thanks to some anti-gravity boots looking like he just flew in from another TRON sequel or perhaps doing a riff on Marvel Comics’ classic cosmic crusader (the Silver Skater?). And Tatum had more chemistry with Jonah Hill in the JUMP flicks than with Kunis, who seems lethargic here. She may be trying to show the disoriented state of ‘Jupe’ as she tries to adjust to the new exotic surroundings and fantastical creatures, but it deprives the film from some much-needed energy. The always stunning actress dazzles in the other-worldly fashions, but can’t sell some of the script’s sillier passages (“I’ve always liked dogs”). Sean Bean pops in for a few scenes in order to trade punches with Tatum and give us some back story that does little to clarify anything. Booth is a coiffed, pouty playboy while Middleton seems to be the older, perky sis to Kunis as she too tries to cut through the plot. At least they fare better than Redmayne as the sneering, sloe-eyed despot who recites most of his lines in a breathy manner (like Kunis, he seems to have just awaken from a long nap), but will suddenly scream his commands (“you…must bring…her…to me……..DO IT NOW!!!). This won’t derail his Oscar chances for THEORY OF EVERYTHING (not his NORBIT  flick), but it won’t win him many new fans.

The Wachowskis, working from their own script, have put together a couple of hours of sparkling eye candy and near incomprehensible story. The make-up, fashions, spacecraft, and scenery are top-flight even when there’s not a whole lot going on with the cast and dialogue. There’s some nifty CGI beasties including a spider-like take on the classic UFO probers and several hulking Gestapo dressed upright Kimono dragons (was anybody else reminded of the Koopas from Mario game fame?), but they’re no match for that racoon/tree team from this past Summer. And what’s with all the scenes atop the Windy City’s Willis Tower. Some tourists must have recorded the big battles (Caine explaining about “mind-wipes” doesn’t really cut it). The directors also really went in for extreme close-ups of the actors (I was counting Redmayne’s freckles), perhaps in attempt at heightening the human drama (nope). All this is accented by a so-so soundtrack from the gifted Michael Giacchino who gave us superb scores for THE INCREDIBLES and the last two STAR TREK flicks. The over-use of choral “ahh” “ahhs” robs the chases of real urgency. Attempts at romantic patter stumble (did they really do a big wedding disruption scene?), as do the swings at humor with Jupe’s wacky low-brow family and the planet’s soul-deadening bureaucracy (done better 30 years ago in BRAZIL), while the big revelation of the Abrasax’s real desire for Earth, harvesting humans, made me realize that the W sibs were doing some harvesting of their own, namely using much of the motivations from their 1999 classic. While I should have been wondering about the fate of our planet, I  instead pondered the fate of these talented film makers. After two dismal MATRIX sequels, and two underperforming adaptations of SPEED RACER and CLOUD ATLAS, when will the majors cease to give them more blockbuster opportunities?  A return to the noir world of BOUND would be most welcome. It would have to be more engaging than this warmed-over space opera that never reaches the goofy cheese fun of FLASH GORDON, KRULL, or THE ICE PIRATES. JUPITER ASCENDING fails to soar or enthrall.

1.5 Out of 5