PARENTAL GUIDANCE – The Review

Wow, can it really be 23 years since Billy Crystal was sitting across from Meg Ryan at the deli as she really, really enjoyed her lunch?! Yup and he’s playing a grandpa’ in the new family flick PARENTAL GUIDANCE. And guess who’s grandma’? THE ROSE herself, the still divine Bette Midler! The perennial Oscar host’s daughter is played by Oscar winner Marisa Tomei (MY COUSIN VINNY). These showbiz powerhouses have joined forces for this family friendly (just in time for the holidays) comedy all about..well…families. Here comes the incredibly cute kids and the big generational conflicts. Will they find a happy medium (and eventual ending)? Whatta’ you think?!

Artie Decker (Crystal) and his wife Diane (Midler) are getting ready to enjoy their golden years in sunny California. Life throws them a curve when Artie is fired from his long-standing job as the play-by-play man for a local minor league baseball team. Meanwhile in Atlanta, their only daughter Alice (Tomei) wants to travel with her hubby Phil (Tom Everett Scott) to an awards banquet at a distant resort. Phil’s parents are on a cruise, so she reluctantly calls her mom. Much to Artie’s chagrin she jumps at the chance to spend a few days with their three grandkids: thirteen year-old Harper who’s stressing out about a big music audition, picked upon eight year-old Turner (he’s studders), and wild free-spirited six year-old Barker. Alice isn’t sure if her folks will adhere to her modern parenting methods (she’s also holding on to some old grudges from childhood slights). Can she trust the care of the kids to them and get on the plane with Phil, for gosh sakes?!

The sitcom-like plot doesn’t give these usually talented performers a chance to play anything deeper than “types”. Crystal’s is wise-cracking, ingratiating host persona that we’ve seen so long on the talk shows and the big movie awards. I was wishing for a bit of the darkness he showed in MR. SATURDAY NIGHT. His Artie just wants everybody to like him and get along. He’s almost easing into the jovial “square” that Bob Hope repeated in his 1960’s films. A sequence of him in hip-hop drag as he auditions to be an ESPN X-Games host is particularly painful. Midler’s playing the nurturing, brassy “Auntie Mame” or “Mamma Rose” archetype. She’s gonna show those kids how to have real fun, by golly! There’s a hint of the acid-tongued Bette from RUTHLESS PEOPLE when she deals with a pushy violin teacher, but through most of the film she’s trying to reign in her hubby. Tomei’s regulated to being the repressive straight man to the Billy/Bette comedy duo (like Margaret DuMont and the Marxes). After interesting, edgy work in THE WRESTLER and BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOUR DEAD, this petulant, grown child/ hovering parent seems a couple of steps back career-wise. Good to see Scott back on the big screen, although his Dad role is shuttled off for most of the film. The kids are pretty good child actors with Bailee Madison building on the promise showed  couple years ago in DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK.

As I mentioned above, the script could’ve have been the first four episodes of a TV sitcom (shot on videotape with a loud, raucous soundtrack, it would be right at home on the Disney cable channel). The slapstick is sloppy and stilted while many of the actors must mug shamelessly in order to sell the predictable jokes. The sticky sentimentality is equally tough to endure. Listening to ancient radio recordings forges a bond and brings one of the kids out of their shell. Ooo-kay… The same can be said of an old street game that magically brings everyone together. And a kitchen-staged performance of a doo-whop classic tune is almost unbearable (almost as cringe-worthy as the “Low Rider” number in THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN earlier this year). Every pratfall and heart-tugging moment is hammered home by Marc Shaiman’s obvious score (sorry, but your SOUTH PARK score is still sublime). If you’ve got to entertain some older relatives in town for the holiday, then a trip to the multiplex for Billy and company may be just the ticket. But if you really enjoy the past work of these gifted stars, then you’ll want to wait and hope for more worthy material. As Artie Decker would say, “Swing and a miss!”

2 Out of 5