Top Ten Tuesday: Outrageous 80’s Action Flicks

Beck’s lyrics come to mind… “I’m a loser, baby, so why don’t you kill me?” For the team of fugitive ex-super secret CIA operatives in Sylvain White’s new motion picture adaptation of the DC graphic novel THE LOSERS, this could be there theme song. THE LOSERS opens nationwide in theaters on Friday, April 23, and it has the Movie Geeks reveling in their nostalgic action past. We’ve opened up the Top Ten time machine once again and stepped back into everyone’s favorite decade of Devo… the 1980’s, putting together our favorite Outrageous Action Flicks from the era.

10. COBRA (1986)

You want ’80s?  You want outrageous, gratuitous violence on psychotic killers at the hands of one of the coolest heroes in recent history?  You want Stallone wearing aviator sunglasses, pulling the matchstick his character chews on out of his mouth just to sip on a Coors during a grocery store shootout?  Hell, yes, you want COBRA.  Whether it’s the sunglasses, the onslaught of hokey quips (“You’re the disease.  I’m the cure.”), the way Lieutenant Marion ‘Cobra’ Cobretti decks out his superior officer without a hint of being suspended, or the flimsy direction by one George P. Cosmatos (he also directed RAMBO: FIRST BLOOD PART II and LEVIATHAN to round out your ’80s, nostalgia trifecta), just about everything in COBRA screams the point in time it was released.  It’s a toss-up who wins out between Stallone and Schwarzenegger when it comes to who rocked the ’80s harder with their over-the-top action, but COBRA is certainly a staple of the era.  Now, who wants a Coors?

09. COMMANDO (1985)

In 1985’s COMMANDO, after retired Colonel John Matrix’s (Arnold Schwarzenegger) daughter is kidnapped, the ex-special ops officer is forced into combat mode. He must assassinate a Latin American President or a South American dictator who’s holding Matrix’s little girl, Jenny (Alyssa Milano), will kill her. Matrix unleashes some over-the-top violence and many of the bad dudes hilariously meet their demise by shoulder rocket launchers, being impaled by steel rods, or grenades and rapid gunfire. With some help from Rae Dawn Chong, Schwarzenegger takes down an entire team of mall security, along with a phone booth, while chasing down a lead to his daughter’s whereabouts. No outrageous action film would be complete without Arnold swinging through the mall like he was Tarzan. Besides being one of the most outrageous action films of the 80’s, COMMANDO is also known for having some of greatest one-liners. After Matrix breaks the neck and kills one of the guards on the plane, he tells the flight attendant, “do me a favor – don’t disturb my friend. He’s dead tired.” No one was better at delivering those deadpan lines than Arnold as was later evident in 1987’s “If it bleeds, we can kill it” PREDATOR.

08. INVASION U.S.A. (1985)

We’re well aware that INVASION U.S.A. is neither the all-around best action flick of the 80’s nor the best flick from Chuck Norris (but, don’t tell him that!) however, it certainly ranks rather high up there for the most outrageous. Norris plays Matt Hunter, a one man army who finds himself up against a spy with plans to invade and take over the United States. Ludicrous? Sure. Hilarious and filled with absurdly over-the-top and fun action? Absolutely! This little 80’s gem, spawned out of the late cold war era paranoia, features Norris calm and cool (as always) busting communist butts with a straight face and leather gloves. Perhaps the most memorable is the big finale, the last showdown, where Norris walks into an office building with one helluva heavy machine gun, blowing holes everywhere he turns, climaxing in a ridiculously awesome old west style duel between two men with bazookas. Yes, that’s right… how fast can you draw a bazooka? Not as fast as Chuck Norris!

07. SAVAGE STREETS (1984)

SAVAGE STREETS is a sleazy tale of high school revenge that’s a must for fans of gritty exploitation and over-the top action. Made during Linda Blair’s less-than-wholesome phase (posing naked, getting arrested for cocaine, dating Rick James, etc…) eleven years after she turned heads with her performance in THE EXORCIST, SAVAGE STREETS features a hideous new wave soundtrack, great 80’s L.A. locations, punk outfits, lots of neon, and a cat-fight in the gym shower. SAVAGE STREETS is Linda Blair’s showcase film and her finest hour. The chubby, big-haired, spandex-clad vigilant-ette chews her way through atrociously vulgar dialog as she hunts down the gang who raped her deaf little sister and threw her best friend off a bridge. The climax is a classic as she shoots her would-be rapist in the kneecaps with a crossbow but he keeps coming after her with arrows sticking out of both knees! “Too bad you’re not double-jointed” Linda snarls, “because if you were, you’d be able to bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!” SAVAGE STREETS is prime 80’s cheese and I feel sorry for anyone who’s never seen it.

06. FIRST BLOOD (1982)

“In town you’re the law, out here it’s me. Don’t push it. Don’t push it or I’ll give you a war you won’t believe.”

Admit it… this has got to be one of the most recognizable and bad ass 80’s action flick quotes spoken. And, who else could deliver it quite like Sly Stallone? In his debut as the deadly good guy with issues John Rambo, Sylvester Stallone left a mark on hard-R action cinema that remains an influence today… any, not just because he’s STILL making RAMBO films. While FIRST BLOOD would spawn several sequels, none of them came nearly as close to the first at presenting a healthy balance between outrageous action and gritty realism. Stallone even pulls off some respectable drama in FIRST BLOOD, developing a layer of social commentary to enhance the box office appeal of it’s graphic violence. To experience Stallone in his pre-steroid, youthfully ambitious hay day, you need not venture further than two films… ROCKY and FIRST BLOOD.

05. DEATH WISH 3 (1985)

The preposterous DEATH WISH 3 sends Charles Bronson to a New York City portrayed as a vast burned-out wasteland with tenements occupied by terrified old people and the entire city dominated by gangs of unwashed thugs (and not a cop in sight). I’ve seen DEATH WISH 3 many times over the years and it becomes more of a parody as it ages. The action is overblown to comic proportions and I lose count of all the people who are shot, blown up, stabbed, beaten, pushed off of rooftops, and generally maimed during the course of the film. DEATH WISH 3 plays like Charles Bronson’s 90-minute shooting gallery. Thugs pop up from behind cars, buildings, and storefronts, all to be mowed down in a sea of gunfire. Bronson, usually a silent killer in his films, makes all kinds of humorous quips before letting loose the carnage and DEATH WISH 3 is just great. I recently realized the movie’s lead villain, a reverse-mohawked goon called ‘The Giggler’ is played by the same actor who played Richie Cunningham’s mysterious brother Chuck in the first season of ‘Happy Days”… Madness!!!

04. PREDATOR (1987)

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

Yes, Arnie.  You, you most certainly can.  And killed half the jungle in which PREDATOR takes place, I might add.  These were the days, the 1980s.  The days where you could take out half a rain forest (and most of the indigenous wildlife that called it home, as well) to give a marauding alien that just wiped out one of your men a flesh wound.  No Rainforest Alliance to cause you any grief.  Hell, they’d probably understand and pick up Jesse Ventura’s Old Painless to knock down a few trees themselves.  Speaking of Ventura, the presence of a pro wrestler in a role such as this was something the ’80s were known for.  Action movies.  Not the Disney-fied, plastic crap Dwayne Johnson acts in these days.  PREDATOR is one for the books, an awesome story told in an incredible location and delivered with the maximum amount of violence you can pack in.  The fact that John McTiernan and crew decided to give Arnold Schwarzenegger an antagonist that could clearly kick his ass was an equal stroke of brilliance.  PREDATOR is grand action at its very best, and it is its placement here at the #4 spot that just tells you how much truly great action movies there were at this time.

03. THE ROAD WARRIOR (1981)

Third on our list is the ultra-violent sequel and one of the most influential exploitation films of the 1980’s, THE ROAD WARRIOR. Since WW3, gasoline has become gold to what’s left of humanity that still relishes their cars and embittered cop, Max Rockatansky (Mel Gibson), having made it through the hell of having his family murdered in the last film, MAD MAX, comes to the rescue of what’s left of civilization against the bad-assed biker gang led by hockey-face masked Lord Humungus. Max is persuaded to run the last tanker of gas out of the compound in a B-29 type rig equipped with manned gunners and is aided by the chimp-like Feral Kid and the Molotov cocktail throwing Autogyro Pilot. Director George Miller’s film is full of these types of colorful caricatures. The post-apocalyptic chase scene on the highways of the Australian desert, set to Brian May’s heart-pounding-in-your-ears score, is exhilarating, making THE ROAD WARRIOR quite the cinematic journey.

02. THE KILLER (1989)

Truly, we could not discuss outrageous action flicks without mentioning director John Woo, who has made an international name for himself synonymous with over-the-top violence. However, Woo has an uncanny ability to glorify his violence to a point of becoming a thing of beauty. No other filmmaker has taken ultra-violence to a level equivalent to ballet, graceful and graphic, all in one magnificent spectacle. Chow Yun-Fat plays Ah Jong, an assassin fed up with the biz that agrees to one final job with the intention of using the score to make right a wrong that haunts him. Having accidentally blinded a young singer with whom he has fond feelings, Jong finds his enlightened endeavor far more treacherous than he ever expected when his is double-crossed by his own boss. John Woo wrote and directed this stellar genre masterpiece, combining brilliant cinematography and editing with great performances and a legendary story that ranks amidst the best in art-house action.

01. ROBOCOP (1987)

Director Paul Verhoeven has made a career out of proving “outrageous” can also be as much modern art as it is fun. Well, so maybe not “art” in the most traditional sense, but certainly along the same vein as Andy Warhol and Ed Wood, if they were one in the same. ROBOCOP is sci-fi/action fun at its finest and marks Verhoeven’s breakout U.S. movie, later leading to such similarly kitsch klassics as TOTAL RECALL, SHOWGIRLS and STARSHIP TROOPERS. Peter Weller plays a cop killed in the line of duty… almost, then brought back to “life” as a part-man, mostly robot crime fighter of the future. In the now corrupt, corporate-run country, Robocop must uphold the law in a seemingly lawless society, while struggling to maintain what little humanity he still possesses. The action is extreme, the story and dialogue is slightly off-beat and the villain is rich and juicy, aided by stop-motion special effects for the absurdly over-weaponized ED-209, which ultimately poses Robocop’s most deadly obstacle to restoring peace, order and justice. Despite two remakes, the original is still by far the best and becomes our number one pick for Outrageous 80’s Action Flicks.