Humpday Horribleness: ‘A*P*E’

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘A*P*E’

Release Date: USA, October 1976

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 7/1/2009): # 12 (based on 962 votes)

Why It’s Here: In a world of cheap knock-offs, this is one of the best… or, worst, depending on how you look at it. This South Korean/USA co-production was written and directed by Paul Leder (‘I Dismember Mama’) is a thing of legend… just, not the kind of legend that gets well-paid repeat business as a filmmaker. After watching this, one truly has to ask themselves… was this film intentionally made so crappy, or were the filmmakers actually under the delusion they were making a reputable motion picture? Then again, I can understand how making a movie centered on a guy in a gorilla suit could be cause for delusions of grandeur.

‘A*P*E’ was also marketed as ‘King Kong’ in 1976, which is amazing they got away with, seeing as the Hollywood remake starring Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange also released that year. On the other hand, they’ve added in additional genre-bending scenes appropriate to the film’s initially intended audience, such as including a martial arts fight scene. This is done for no apparent reason, except that someone said “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if King Kong interrupts a martial arts fight.” Hey, if the Americans could barely take down King Kong with a squadron of lead-spitting biplanes, surely a group of 8-10 South Korean civilians with spears and flaming arrows can stop him, right?

The filmmakers involved were attempting to thicken their bankroll by making their own King Kong film and ride the financial wave of producer Dino de Laurentis’ remake that same year. Unfortunately for them, the Hollywood remake was a bust on it’s own, making this one even less likely to succeed. Here’s a bit of subtle movie trivia for you… about 30 minutes in ‘A*P*E’ the Hollywood blonde movie star Marylin Baker (Joanna Kerns) is filming a *rape scene. She’s the Faye Wray, Jessica Lange character in this version. Anyway, the director shooting the rape scene is named Dino and is played as a cameo by director Paul Leder. Coincidence, I think not.

Lowest of the Low Moments: Once again, there are endless low moments in ‘A*P*E’ but the low moments are the best parts. From the very beginning of the movie, we’re thrown into one. The giant ape is being transported on a cargo ship under sedation, or so the two slacker guards believe, that is until it rips up through the deck eliciting the response of “Oh, shit” from from one the guards who is such an astonishing actor that this line is delivered completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever. This is immediately followed by the entire ship exploding at mid-sea, just for good measure. And, so begins the epic tale of South Korea’s King Kong.

If you think the movie loses it’s “charm” after this, think again. As King Kong swims back to shore, he’s attacked by a shark… except, this has got to be one helluva big shark. It’s size is relatively accurate next to a normal-sized gorilla, but this is King Kong. When the “size” issue is actually addressed appropriately it results in a slew of poorly rendered forced perspective shots. During an attempt to capture Kong, reinforcements are sent in consisting mostly of paratroopers dropping over Kong’s position. Sorry, last I check a swarm of gnats was annoying, but far from fatal. You see, I found out that ‘A*P*E’ deserves a much larger cult following through my viewing as the entire film is one ridiculous effed-up POS scene after another. For the life of me, I cannot understand how the MST3K guys never did an episode for this film! It’s pure gold!

Side Note: *The fake movie being filmed by Dino the director within ‘A*P*E’ is an odd element to this story. It fits, what with the Marylin (Monroe) character filling the role of the blonde dame that King Kong falls in love with, but both scenes being shot of her before she is captured by King Kong (or, rescued in Kong’s mind) are rape scenes. What’s up with that? Rape had nothing to do with the original movie nor any of the remakes. I suppose you could make the comparison of rape to that of the tribal sacrificing of a virgin on Skull Island, but that’s stretching it a bit, isn’t it?

Will it Ever Get Off the List: No way in Hell will this film ever fall off of the IMDB Bottom 100 List! As much deplorable fun as it is, there’s still no mistaking this for a truly crappy piece of cinematic junk. ‘A*P*E’ is one of those movie that will forever be so bad that it’s good. In fact, if the film does ever get re-released or more widely seen somehow, it may even move up into the Top 10 of the Bottom 100, based solely on a rapid increase of votes. How about this for a project… anyone reading this that is interested in seeing the movie for themselves, and who is savvy enough to have an IMDB account in which they can vote, watch the movie and place your vote and let’s see which way it goes… up or down. (You’ll probably want to place your bets on it hitting the Top 10.)

Here’s the first nine minutes of this hidden gem, in case you can’t find the whole thing. However, here’s a hint… the other nine of a total of 10 parts are available on YouTube as well. The film is also available through Netflix. Good Times!

And, to close out this week’s Humpday Horribleness, here’s one of my favorite scenes from ‘A*P*E’ just for your own amusement and amazement…

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