Hump Day Horribleness: ‘Miss Cast Away’

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Miss Cast Away’

Release Date: July 26th, 2005

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 7/7/2009): #84 (based on 1260 votes)

Why It’s Here: It actually means something, speaks volumes, in fact, when ones of these “Pop Culture” comedies, as they are called, doesn’t even go into theaters. Crap like ‘Epic Movie,’ ‘Disaster Movie,’ and ‘Dance Flick’ all got theatrical releases, so what’s the problem with something like ‘Miss Cast Away’? It certainly isn’t that it doesn’t spoof enough movies. Just about everything that’s crawled out of the Hollywood mainline in the past 20 years is hit upon in this film. Everything from ‘Jurassic Park’ to ‘Planet of the Apes’ (the remake) to ‘Austin Powers’ is spoofed in increasingly mind-numbing fashion. And it has Eric Roberts. And it has Michael Jackson. Yes, MICHAEL JACKSON! We’ll get to that eventually.

The premise, thin as it may be for all the pop culture references to string themselves along across, centers on a plane full of Miss Galaxy contestants (Miss Mexico, Miss Illinois, Miss Congenial, etc.). Them, along with the two pilots, played by Eric Roberts and Charlie Schlatter, crash land on a deserted island. On this deserted island is a giant dinosaur/pig called Jurassic Pork and Noah’s Ark, of all things. There’s a prophecy in there about Noah’s Ark creating the perfect storm and a group of Apes who have taken over the ship, but by the time that storyline reared its ugly head, interest in this piece of garbage was already way out the window.

You can’t blame ‘Miss Cast Away’ for being any worse than all the other pop culture comedies out there. It’s just as bad. Lines are reenacted from some classic films for no apparent reason other than for sheer familiarity. When the Austin Powers lookalike starts looking for his Mojo, you just know his dog, Mojo, is going to pop up at any second. You think the ghost of Elvis is going to say “Thank you. Thank you very much.”? Wow, you’re a genius. Much like all those other horrible comedies that we’ve been subject to over the past couple of years, ‘Miss Cast Away’ doesn’t even seem to be trying its hand at comedy.

There are a few instances here and there. The group of girls along with the suave pilot played by Roberts all decide to take up smoking in one scene, because they have no faith in being rescued. It’s a setup for a decent sight gag that could have and should have been run with throughout the rest of the film. It’s not. It’s dropped as quick as you can say “next scene.” At one point, Noah, played by the long-absent Stuart Pankin, is seen playing cards with one of the Apes. It’s a scene that is just nonsensical enough to be considered humorous, but all the while you’ll just be thinking to yourself, “I wonder whatever happened to Stuart Pankin.”

By the time Evan Marriott, Joe Millionaire himself, gets eaten by Jurassic Pork, you might be thinking it’s time to call it a day and shut this one off. However, this film has one more surprise up its sleeve.  This comes in the guise of Agent MJ, played by none other than the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson.   Shockingly enough, ‘Miss Cast Away’ was selected for this column before the tragic news came about Michael Jackson’s passing.   Equally shocking is Jackson’s presence in this film altogether.   In an interview with writer/director Bryan Michael Stoller, it was revealed that he and Jackson were friends, and Jackson appeared in the film as a favor.   This is some favor.   Jackson’s performance is so uncomfortable to watch, as it is clearly obvious he doesn’t want to be there.   Of course, it does elicit a few laughs hearing Michael Jackson talking about Noah’s Ark and the impending storm.   Also, you can’t help but smile at Jackson saying “God bless” to Charlie Schlatter.   That’s just a sight I never thought I would see in all my life.

‘Miss Cast Away’ is an awful comedy loaded with pointless pop culture references and some of the absolutely worst computer effects ever put to film. The CGI here makes ‘Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus’ look like ‘Terminator 2.’   Yes, it deserves to be on the IMDB bottom 100, but so do most of the other pop culture comedies out there.   This isn’t the worst, but it’s pretty close.

Lowest of the Low Moments: As with most of the movies we’ve covered in this column, this is a difficult section to analyze.   There are so many bad moments in ‘Miss Cast Away,’ so many points where I wanted to turn the movie off and shotgun blast with rock salt my mind’s eye in hopes that I would forget I had ever seen it.   There is one scene, however, that I remember as being completely useless.   I didn’t even get the point of where the comedy was supposed to come from.   At one point, Charlie Schlatter, being the geekier of the two pilots, is up on a cliff looking towards the beach with binoculars.   He spots an overweight man laying on the beach.   Schlatter runs to him.   The man is seemingly dead, and Schlatter, for no apparent reason, begins stealing his shoes.   Schlatter has shoes.   I guess he just liked the overweight guy’s brand better.   Anyway, he gets one shoe off, and the overweight guy, who is clearly not dead, wakes up, stands up and leaves.   That’s it.   End of scene.   Was there a point?   I don’t know.   It’s early enough in the film that I hadn’t started doing other things yet, so it’s pretty clear in my mind.   It’s just pointless.   Much like the rest of the film only more so.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: We can pretty much put a stamp on all of the films that we cover in this column that reads “THIS FILM WILL GET OFF THE IMDB BOTTOM 100 IF, AND ONLY IF, IT EVER ACQUIRED CULT STATUS.”   It worked for ‘Best Worst Movie,’ and I’m sure it will work for so many others.   This one, I’m not so sure.   It is high up on the list, so there only have to be 16 more movies starring the Jonas Brothers to come out before it works its way off.   However, the film is bad enough, and, with the unfortunate passing of Michael Jackson, more people might be seeing it.   I’m sure none of them will be giving it any kind of favorable rating, either.   I think the chances of ‘Miss Cast Away’ getting off the IMDB bottom 100 are pretty slim.   If anything, it will only move down the list the more people that watch it.   Oh, well.   God bless, anyway.