Hump Day Horribleness: ‘Santa with Muscles’

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Santa With Muscles’

Release Date: November 8th, 1996

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 6/2/2009): 84 (based on 5888 votes)

Why It’s Here: Let’s be blunt for a moment.   This movie shouldn’t be on this list.   Granted, it’s #84, which isn’t the lowest of the low, but the fact that this film is on this list at any number is head-shaking.   To note, ‘Santa With Muscles’ is anything but a good movie.   It’s lame.   It’s trivial.   It’s much of what sent these low-rent, kids comedies of the mid to late ’90s straight to the VHS/DVD racks.   But, is it really 84 movies out from being dubbed the worst film of all time?   Certainly not.

The story is nothing to call the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences about.   Hulk Hogan plays a millionaire weight lifter who, after running from the cops because of reckless driving, gets amnesia, gets mistaken for Santa Clause, and, inadvertently, saves an orphanage from an evil scientist.   Ed Begley, Jr. plays said evil scientist.   Garrett Morris pops up as the janitor of the orphanage.   A young Mila Kunis plays one of the children.   Even Ed Leslie (AKA Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake) makes a brief appearance as a Sumo Lab Assistant, the only Sumo anything I’ve ever seen with six-pack abs.

Hogan is dreadful as usual.   This isn’t the seemingly tough Hogan of the mid-80s.   This is this Hogan:

Of course, for all its misgivings, horrid fight scenes, and ridiculously lame attempts at injecting something Christmas in every line of dialogue, ‘Santa With Muscles’ isn’t the worst of the worst.   Hell, it’s not even the worst movie featuring a wrestler.   It’s not even the worst movie starring Hulk Hogan.   How specific can we get?   This isn’t even the worst Christmas-themed movie starring a professional wrestler.   It seems its on this list, because A. it’s not a good movie and B. the title is excruciating.

Lowest of the Low Moments: The worst moment in this film comes at the end of a fight scene that, believe it or not, actually shows some talent from director John Murlowski.   Either that or he just had a dolly and a crane for one day and decided to pack all those shots into one.   The fight scene is fine, but it’s what happens to Hogan and a, seemingly innocent, Santa statue at the end.

Just see for yourself.   Jump to the 1:00 mark for the atrocity:

Will it Ever Get Off the List: It should, though it might not.   Even though it is pretty high on the list, it’s been out for 13 years.  Two possibilities arise here.  It could drop off the list if, in the next couple of years, it garners some type of cult status a la ‘Troll 2.’  It could also drop off the list if John Cena decides to do about 15 more movies.  Unless either of these two scenarios occur, it’s looking like ‘Santa With Muscles’ is here to stay.