Hump Day Horribleness: ‘Hobgoblins’

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Hobgoblins’

Release Date: July 14th, 1988

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 6/10/2009): 26 (based on 4,196 votes)

Why It’s Here: Director Rick Sloane has done a little bit of everything in the movie-making biz, from writing to producing, editing to cinematography, visual effects and even a little composing. All of this on just 14 films since 1984 when he made ‘Movie House Massacre’. He’s probably best known for his epic six-part ‘Vice Academy’ film franchise (that’s a joke, see) but his swan song certainly has to be ‘Hobgoblins’.

There has to be something said about the appeal of   ‘Hobgoblins’ which, believe it or not, spawned a sequel in 2008. Sloane clearly isn’t trying to make an art house flick or a cerebral mind screw of a movie. The DVD opens at Fred Olen Ray’s Drive-In Theater which is apparently staffed completely by well-endowed bikini-clad hotties who take your money upon entry and give guys a special “sneak peek” if the tip is good. The tag at the beginning breaks away to director Sloane in his car watching a drive-in movie. Sloane starts in on a brief history of drive-in movies, then gives his version of a Hitchcock-style introduction to his own movie.

‘Hobgoblins’ actually isn’t a difficult movie to watch. Sure, it’s cheesy and the acting sucks, but that’s all part of the appeal. To me, a truly “bad” movie needs to be difficult, if not painful to watch, but watching ‘Hobgoblins’ is actually kind of fun. The reason ‘Hobgoblins’ is on the IMDB Bottom 100 list is clear. Not one thing about the movie can be described as being “done well”. Many films on the list are so bad they would lead most to turn the channel or demand a refund, but for the few movies like ‘Hobgoblins’ their failure becomes their success.

What? Oh, you want to know why I haven’t talked about the creatures themselves? The truth is they don’t even show up until 29 minutes and 30 seconds into the movie and, despite being low budget puppets, are actually kind of cool, in a cheesy sort of way. The little critters tap into your mind and make your most desirable fantasies come true, but it’ll cost you. [Think ‘Wishmaster’ meets ‘Gremlins’] The real question is, why was McCreedy hiding these little green trouble-makers in the film vault? This is all explained, but you’ll have to watch to find out the secret and story behind the Hobgoblins.

Lowest of the Low Moments: The low moments in ‘Hobgoblins’ are more like small moments of extra cheese peppered randomly throughout this stinker. The story kicks off as aging security guard McCreedy (Jeffrey Sullivan) attempts to keep his newly hired guards in training from exploring inside the film vault housed inside the abandoned movie studio they are hired to keep watch over. The first new hire we meet manages to fall off a rock & roll stage to his death in mid performance after entering the restricted film vault. Kevin (Tom Bartlett) becomes his new replacement. What on Earth could possibly be in there?

Another great example of low moments that actually make the movie ridiculously enjoyable is when Kyle steps away and asks to use Kevin’s phone to call his “girlfriend” but actually calls a sex line 976-SCAG. When Kevin walks in on him, he asks if he’s calling a sex line and Kyle nervously denies it as Kevin finds himself confused with why he keeps having to dispute phone sex charges on his bill every month.

‘Hobgoblins’ is filled with moments that just make you shake your head in disbelief, like when Nick falls on a live grenade to save the others and when the grenade goes off, we hear a BOOM sound effect and then see Nick flailing around screaming, covered in flames, but still has all his limbs. Or, when a punk trespasser return to the studio lot to pick a nunchuck fight with Kevin, which has a purpose but is just so funny in it’s execution.

One of the more infamous low moments from ‘Hobgoblins’ is when Army-friend Nick takes Kevin out on the lawn to teach him how to fight with gardening implements. The scene is constructed by Sloane to be a tense fight scene but ends up being an elongated laughter-producing low moment, immortalized by the MST3K crew. Watch them tear it apart below:

Will it Ever Get Off the List: It’s unlikely ‘Hobgoblins’ will ever make it off the list. Sure, it’s got a big cult following but it’s still really bad and deserves to be on the list. The fact that ‘Hobgoblins’ has become one of the most popular episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is probably it’s only hope for rising above the list, but I think that’s part of the appeal. The more people exposed to this film, especially through MST3k, the more it will be relegated to the depths of cinematic shame by it’s fans. It’s a double-edged sword, being supportive fans of bad movies because they are bad. ‘Hobgoblins’ was made in 1988 and is VERY 80’s which is another reason it will probably remain on the IMDB Bottom 100 list for years to come… it has good company from the decade. ‘Hobgoblins’ is merely one of 17 films from the 1980’s to appear on the list.

I’ll close this week’s Hump Day Horribleness with a special treat. Here’s that transcript of the final phone call between Kyle and his “girlfriend” at 976-SCAG (played by Tamara Clatterbuck) for your enjoyment…

Fantazia: Hi. It’s me, Fantazia. Thanks for calling. I need a new house pet to impress my friends. Now hurry before the zookeeper comes. Help me hide this iguana on my body.

Fantazia (as zookeeper): [covers her mouth to stand masculine] Uh, can I help you miss?

Fantazia: Oh, yes Mr. Beastmaster. Something just crawled up my leg. Oh, see if you can find it.

Fantazia (as zookeeper): I think you better come back to my office with me.

Fantazia: Now, wait a minute. Are you sure your office is in the baboon pit?

[Kyle holds the phone closer to his ear with a look of pure ecstacy on his face while a Hobgoblin sneaks up behind him.]

Fantazia: Uh, Mr. Zookeeper… what do you think you’re doing? This isn’t the childrens petting zoo.

Fantazia (as zookeeper): I have a new house pet for you, miss. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Fantazia: Oh, Mr. Zookeeper. I could never take a cockatoo that size.