Hump Day Horribleness: ‘Laserblast’

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Laserblast’

Release Date: March 1, 1978

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 5/13/2009): #96 (based on 1,833 votes)

Why it’s here: To be honest, it kind of broke my heart a little when I saw this movie on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list, even if it does technically deserve to be. You see, while he didn’t direct this movie, Charles Band did produce ‘Laserblast’ and Band is a bit of a childhood hero of mine. One of the busiest dudes in the filmmaking biz, Band has either directed and/or produced over 230 movies in the sci-fi and horror genres. So, at least I can say this one only “barely” made the list at #96.

‘Laserblast’ is about a teenage boy named Billy Duncan (Kim Milford) who, according to his girlfriend Kathy (Cheryl Smith), is not an ordinary person. Billy is something of an outcast in his small, rural town and is constantly being harassed by the local cops and two bullies, a douche-bag named Chuck and his nerdy glasses-wearing sidekick called Frog.

One day, Billy is “messing around” out in the desert and stumbles upon an odd-looking laser cannon that is worn on your arm. Once Billy figures out how to use the alien gun, he slowly becomes a raging maniac. The laser gun only works while the user wears a large amulet around their neck. However, this amulet turns the user into a mindless green creature like the Hulk without the super-strength that jumps and flails around like a mad ape.

This movie makes the list for some very obvious reasons, including the production quality and the writing, but especially the acting, which is atrocious. However, I realized fairly early in the film that it’s a bittersweet honor for this movie to be listed on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list. Much of the cheese-factor can be written-off and tolerated as a direct result of the era in which the film was made. Perhaps the most deserving blame for ‘Laserblast’ making this list is the writing.

The movie begins with a raging green human blasting away as the stop-motion animated aliens (who sound like Ernie from ‘Sesame Street’ crossed with Charlie Brown’s teacher) return to Earth to stop the human. Once they vaporize him (not Billy in this scene) they just leave the laser gun and the amulet laying in the desert and fly away in their spaceship. Which is it? Do you want the humans to have the damn gun, or not?

It’s the insanely stupid plot flops like this, along with the anti-acting, that ruin ‘Laserblast’. The first time we meet Kathy’s crazy grandfather, he’s rambling incoherently about some secret mission and conspiracies against him, but later on he appears quite normal and just happens to know the much younger FBI agent Craig who is in town investigating “something” that is never revealed nor serves any purpose in moving the story along.

Lowest of the low moments: There are several equally low moments in this movie. From the idiot rural cops who smoke weed on the job that they confiscated from local teens, to the mysterious FBI agent that shows up with Dirty Harry’s haircut, wearing his wardrobe and just trying hopelessly to be Dirty Harry in general, ‘Laserblast’ certainly has it’s unfortunate moments of cinematic lameness. One of my favorite low moments is early in the film when Billy’s mom tells him she is going to Acapulco again (and we never see her again) and Billy’s reaction speaks for itself:

BILLY: “Mom. (whining) You’ve already been to Acapulco. How many times do you want to go to Acapulco?”

Seriously, dude. Who wouldn’t want to go to Acapulco multiple times? What’s wrong with you? The lowest of the low moments however, is the ending which I’ll explain below.

!!! Warning !!! SPOILER Below!

>> While the Raging Green version of Billy is having a good ole time blowing things up in town, he manages to stumble upon Agent Craig’s black sedan parked on the curb. Both Agent Craig and Billy’s girlfriend Kathy are sitting in the car, but Billy just stands there staring at them instead of blowing them away with his laser gun. Suddenly, a massive red laser beam pummels Billy for literally 20 seconds before he collapses and the alien, standing atop a building across the street with his spaceship hovering close overhead, turns and leaves. In response to this shocking event, Agent Craig and Kathy casually exit the car and calmly approaches Billy’s dead body on the street. Without crying or screaming, Kathy kneels to the ground and lays her head on Billy’s chest… and, the credits roll. WTF? Did they not see the the alien blast him right in front of their eyes and then fly away in a spaceship, or… is this just something that happens a lot in this little town and they’re used to the occurrence? Good grief! <<

Will it ever get off the list: Given some time, I actually have faith that ‘Laserblast’ will eventually fall off IMDB’s Bottom 100 list and become more of the cult classic “bad movie” that it really deserves to be. The fact that it’s only barely on the list helps to encourage that possibility as well. During Billy’s marathon of destruction, he obliterates five vehicles, three buildings, a post office drop box and a billboard advertising the new ‘Star Wars’ movie that came out the year before this movie was made. Now, that’s funny! Personally, I believe the title should be changed to ‘Laserblast: or, How I Found an Alien Laser Cannon and Learned to Blow Shit Up‘… now, that would certainly boost this movie enough to drop off IMDB’s Bottom 100 list!

Enjoy this clip from ‘Laserblast’ with the MST3K crew adding their trademark commentary…