Documentary
Pre-Tribeca Interview: Midgets vs. Mascots
One of the films I am really looking forward to at this year’s Tribeca Film Festival is Midgets Vs. Mascots. The film is a “shockumentary†that follows 5 midgets and 5 mascots that are forced to compete in crazy competitions in order to win $1 million dollars. I was lucky enough to recently chat with one of the Mascots of the competition, Spartan Man. Here is my interview†¦
 When did you realize you wanted to be a Mascot?
As a freshman in high school, I got kicked off the football team cause I kept yelling at the coach (he was a douche). I realized that if I was a mascot I could still end up going to all the games and get out of school early sometimes. Plus I got to wear a bad-ass costume that made girls want to touch me.
 How did you become one?
I went to the principal and said “Dude, instead of just having a picture of a mascot next to the clock in the gym, why not use some of that slush fund on a killer costume for me. You know you’re just gonna use it to stock the faculty room with cake and soda††¦ He said no. So I had my grandma make it. Principal changed his tune once he saw how ripped and awesome I looked.
 What are some Mascots living or dead that have inspired you?
Zero†¦ That’s not the name of a mascot. I’m saying zero mascots inspire me. Right now I’m just inspired by my need to stay away from my wife. So I try to do as much out of town freelance mascoting as possible†¦ You know what though, I just heard that there’s a high school on North Dakota who’s mascot is “The Midget†. I find that hilarious. They either have to hope a real midget wants to run around at games, or they’ve got to get some nerd to try to squeeze into that little tiny costume. Small towns are awesome.
 What was your most embarrassing job?
Took a job holding a sandwich board outside a strip club. It was supposed to say “$20 to enter. Parking in rear†but they did a misprint and it said “$20 to enter rear††¦ I only lasted a day. Made some good friends though.
 Now tell me a little about the new documentary, Midgets Vs. Mascots?
It’s effing crazy. Me and four other mascots are battling it out with five midgets. Well, four midgets and Gary Coleman. Btw, I guess you’re supposed to call them “little people†, but whatever. I don’t even think Gary Coleman is a midget, but he’s small and he’s a total a-hole. Anyway, they made us do crazy shit. I’ll tell you this – people almost die, there are lots of tits, there is vomiting and there’s a ton of Gary Coleman jumping into the air to bitch-slap someone. I’ve been waiting for a movie to come out with those four elements. This is it, and it is AWESOME.
 Who was your toughest competition?
Lemone. He’s a dick. Every time I’d try to do something, he’d yell shit out – “You can’t jump Spartan Man!†– “You’re the worst singer in the world!†– “Spartan Man’s not wearing underwear!††¦ Gets into your head, ya know?
 What was it like competing against Gary Coleman?
That little shit threatened to kill all of us several different times. Fortunately, the government wont allow Gary to have a gun, so all he could do was scream and annoy the crap out of us.
One time he asked me if he could borrow a dollar for a Hostess Pie. I gave it to him only after he agreed to call me “Mr. Drummond†for the rest of the day†¦
 Did Gary draw lots of attention?
Yeah, it was good to have some of the focus taken off of us for a while. When we were all together, people would go “Wow, look at that whole group of†¦. Oh my god that’s Gary Coleman! Holy shit! Kids, go get his fucking autograph!â€
 What was the hardest event in the competition?
They’re all hard. One time though, we had to go into bars and try to get punched by someone. We were just insulting the crap out of people all night, trying to get decked in the face. You’d be surprised how reluctant people are to throw a fist at someone dressed up as a mascot.
 What do you think of your fellow mascots?
Um, okay, here goes:
 Gator – Douche bag, alcoholic, poor hygiene, good taste in porn†¦ He’s disrespectful and inappropriate. One time I was looking for my gum and it turned out it was up Gator’s ass. He put my effing gum inside of his anus. Made me almost not even want it back.
 Taco – Douche bag, attitude problem, chicks dig him. I was surprised he got into the competition cause there was a dude at the auditions dressed as a Tic-Tac who I thought could probably move better. Taco’s a smooth talker though. I’d hate to have to dress up as the #2 special at Azteca – what an asshole (no offense to Mexicans).
 Sheriff – Not a bad guy, keeps to himself – mainly cause he’s constantly stoned out of his mind and also because of that giant head of his, he can’t always follow us through doors so he has to sit outside most of the time.
 Bunny – Almost as annoying as Gary Coleman. Sometimes, you spend enough time talking to Bunny and your like “holy shit, where’s Gary? I think I’d rather hang with Gary Coleman for a while††¦ Bunny gets accosted by drunks and animals a lot though, which is kinda funny. One time we found him in an alley being “violated†by a Rottweiler.
 What did you think of Big Red? Did you ever watch his porn?
Didn’t know him, but he was clearly a good guy. His estate sent me one of each of his entire collection – so yeah, I totally watch his porn.
 What advice do you have for aspiring mascots?
Don’t get married.
 Is there any way for people to contact you or learn more about the movie?
You can follow me on Twitter – (@HugeSpartanMan) I’m on there all the time talking about the crap that happens to me†¦ The movie’s website is www.midgetsvsmascots.com. They’ve got tons of video clips and pictures up on that site.
Any last words why people should see the film?
It’ll warm your heart and make you laugh very hard – a lot†¦ And it might give some guys an erection. I’m not saying that happened to me. I’m just saying that I could see where that potentially could happen to someone. Because of all the tits. Like if a dude hasn’t been laid in a while or whatever and all of a sudden there’s a bunch of tits on the screen, he could totally get wood… Anyhoo†¦
And with that, the interview was over. Well Spartan Man actually talked about breasts for a few more minutes but that’s really the gist of it. I had a lot of fun talking with him and hope to see him again at Tribeca. This is on my (rather long) list of must-sees for the festival this year. Be sure to check back for my review of the film once the fest begins. And check out www.midgetsvsmascots.com for screening times and to see some of the awesome clips they’ve posted.
Jerry Cavallaro – www.AreYouStuckLikeChuck.com
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