Hump Day Horribleness: ‘House of the Dead’

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘House of the Dead’

Release Date: October 10, 2003

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 4/29/2009): #85 (based on 18,953 votes)

Why it’s here: The question shouldn’t really be why is this movie. Â  The real question should be, why aren’t more Uwe Boll films here? Â  The man has a built-in hatred amongst the film world. Â  Hell, I think my mother even knows Uwe Boll’s name based simply on how much hatred there is out there for the man. Â  ‘House of the Dead,’ while not his first film (that would be the seldom seen, but instantly sought after ‘German Fried Movie’ in 1991), was his introduction to most American filmgoers.

Many fans of the video game from which the movie is based were eagerly awaiting to see if the film even came close to expectations. Â  Boy, were they shocked by what they saw.

The acting is horrid, but that’s really not saying much when you consider the most notable thespians in the bunch are Jurgen Prochnow (who, I think, lost all credibility the moment his arms were ripped off in ‘Judge Dredd), Ellie Cornell, and Clint Howard. Â  Seriously, Howard was in a theatrical release, and the director wasn’t Ron Howard. Â  Go figure. Â  I’m not going to rip into Cornell too hard, because she seriously seems to be the only one of the bunch who is trying to make an effort in any way. Â  Of course, we get her hacked up pretty early. Â  I think the director felt she was trying to upstage him or something.

The screenplay is nonexistent. Â  Basically, they’re just making it up as they go along, with General Boll sounding the charge. Â  Three different people worked on the screenplay, and two of them haven’t written anything since. Â  Mark A. Altman, the only one of them to have a writing career post-‘House of the Dead,’ followed up the trainwreck with a few more straight-to-DVD horror flicks including ‘House of the Dead 2.’ Â  Hey, at least he’s earning a paycheck, though, right?

Back to ‘House of the Dead.’ Â  It clearly is a trash film, and it’s reasoning for being on this IMDB bottom 100 grows from a much deeper hatred people have for Boll as a person. Â  Sure, he makes horrible films, but there are countless other films out there that deserve to be amongst the 100 worst films of all time more than ‘House of the Dead.’ Â  Boll’s other should-be embarrassments, ‘Alone in the Dark’ and ‘Bloodrayne,’ deserve their place on this list more than ‘House of the Dead.’ Â  Regardless, this was Boll’s first, mainstream, American endeavor, so it holds its place on the list as a holding pin for Boll’s career as a whole.

Lowest of the low moments: Despite it’s horrid acting and near ludicrous screenplay, the absolute worst moment from ‘House of the Dead’ is this scene right here:

Words can’t describe the amount of trainwreck filmmaking that went into that scene, which brought the film’s running time from 83 minutes all the way up to 90. Â  Glorious.

Will it ever get off the list: While it may appear that ‘House of the Dead’s days of being amongst the worst films of all time are numbered, it might hold its position for a long time. Â  It is currently at number 85, but that is with nearly19,000 votes, and the number of 10s it’s getting don’t seem to be multiplying any day soon. Â  Unless, years down the line, it garners some kind of ‘Troll 2’ cult status, I’m gonna say ‘House of the Dead’ is going to be on the Bottom 100 list for quite a while.