Review: ‘Race to Witch Mountain’

Jeremy:

‘Race to Witch Mountain’. Â  Let’s examine that title just a little bit here. Â  The word “race” indicates some kind of intensity, a suspenseful adventure that will leave audience hanging on for dear life and gasping for more. Â  “Race” makes us think there is some kind of excitement to be had while watching this movie.

To sum up what I think of ‘Race to Witch Mountain’ before my review even really begins, might I suggest an alternative title. Â  The film should have been called ‘Plod to Witch Mountain’. Â  That’s about all it does. Â  It plods along at a very minimal pace, never venturing out of the Walt Disney comfort zone it has made for itself, and ultimately expires as the plane of originality crashes into the Witch Mountain.

This movie was in trouble from the opening credits. Â  It spends said the ten minutes worth of said opening credits showing us mind-numbingly tedious stock footage of infrared sonar captures of UFOs and former world leaders talking about the existence of extraterrestrials. Â  If you don’t show up for this movie on time, fear not. Â  Besides the 20 minutes or so of previews, you’ll have this extra eight minutes shy of eternity of opening credits that provide absolutely nothing.

After that, it’s about 4.8 milliseconds before an alien craft crash lands, the men in black converge on the sight of the crash, and the two aliens, who look like pre-teenagers and have psychokinetic powers, are hailing a ride in Dwayne Johnson’s cab to…where? Â  Not really sure. Â  I think it was explained somewhere in there, but I must have missed it. Â  Oh, yeah, there’s an alien/robot bounty hunter who is after the children. Â  Why? Â  Not sure of that one, either. Â  Either this film didn’t explain much of anything in any sensible way or I must have passed out somewhere along the way from sheer boredom.

You can’t say much for or against Johnson here, really. Â  He made his Mickey Mouse-themed bed a long time ago, and he has to sleep in it. Â  I’m sure he, as well as Carla Gugino, whose presence here is also head-scratching, cut a pretty nice sized check for this movie, so you can’t blame them all that much.

But it’s not the acting that makes ‘Race to Witch Mountain’ such a snorefest. Â  It’s the story, which, remake or not, has very little in the way of originality to it. Â  It’s the lame direction from Andy Fickman, who, like it or not, is going to be making flat movies like this for a long time coming. Â  It’s the awful, awful, awful special effects that don’t even try to hide the fact that they are just a bunch of 1s and 0s. Â  But, above all else, it is the sheer lack of edge or freshness that permeates the entire film.

There is not one original thought in the head of this film. Â  The bounty hunter looks like a cross between the Green Goblin (movie Green Goblin, not the original) and the Guyver. Â  Really, it looks more like the Guyver than anything, and Screaming Mad George must be… well… screaming mad. Â  From ‘Star Wars’ to ‘X-Files’ to ‘Predator’ to ‘Flight of the Navigator’, this film doesn’t hold back in cutting into any other sci-fi films action, and it does it with such lack of embarrassment, just try not to be embarrassed for it.

Every “laugh”, every “twist”, every “revelation” found within this film is choreographed from about eight miles out. Â  Here’s a drinking game. Â  Take a sip, just a sip, of your favorite beverage every time Johnson says he is absolutely, positively, unequivocally NOT going to do something. Â  Cut to a shot of him doing that exact thing. Â  You’ll be hammered in no time. Â  The amount of cringes these gags ramp up are staggering.

Not convinced how unintelligent this film is, yet? Â  Try this out. Â  Johnson, Gugino, and the two kids are driving along. Â  Gugino makes some comment about Johnson’s keychain and the Mustang emblem that hangs from it. Â  Cue the five-minute spiel about ‘Bullitt’ and how Johnson’s character only ever wanted to race cars. Â  Why is this so stupid, you might ask? Â  Because it is his keychain, hanging from his keys, in the ignition of the vehicle, and it’s not even his vehicle. Â  It’s some Winnebago the four of them picked up in the scene before. Â  That, ladies and gentlemen, is just a sample, a smattering, of how stupid ‘Race to Witch Mountain’ truly is.

[Overall: 1.5 stars out of 5]