Review: ‘Postal’ on DVD

I know I haven’t even started writing this review yet, but before I go even further I have this to say… If I find any rotten tomatoes or bags of flaming crap on my step, well… I probably deserve it for what I’m about to do. Uwe Boll’s [that’s pronounced Oo-Vah] latest film to hit the DVD shelves is, geez… I really can’t believe I’m about to say this. ‘Postal’ isn’t a total flop, I mean… it’s not as bad as it could have been. Man, there’s really no easy way to do this. The movie still sort of sucks, but I actually didn’t find myself constantly sighing and scoffing at how bad it was… only occasionally.

‘Postal’ stars Zack Ward as Postal Dude (that’s right, he has no name in the movie) a spineless loser with no job who lives in a nasty little trailer in a nasty little trailer park with his BIG nasty bi*** of a wife who cheats on him with any man that’s brave enough. One day, a particularly bad day for Postal Dude, he finally snaps and takes the gun away from a greasy dude trying to steal his empty wallet at a payphone and in the struggle shoots the robber with his own gun. I suppose Postal Dude has an epiphany of doom and decides to call his Uncle Dave, played by Dave Foley (Kids in the Hall), a perverted man who leads a group of super hot women and his idiot friend Richard in a phony religious cult that he created, teaching that the world is going to end so we might as well party while we’re here. You see, the IRS is onto Uncle Dave’s little scheme and now they want their $1.3 million in back taxes. Postal Dude accepts Uncle Dave’s proposal to heist the rare shipment of Krotchy dolls that just arrived and sell them in online auctions and make a fortune. This plan backfires when not only do they discover Osama Bin Laden’s terrorist organization is after them as well for a plan to distribute the Avian Bird Flu within the Krotchy dolls, but it turns out someone close to Uncle Dave has a diabolical plan of his own for the Krotchy dolls.

I hope I didn’t lose you within that amazing barrage of Oscar-worthy plot. As it turns out, Uwe Boll has proven us all wrong and shown us that great cinema consists of South Park style potty humor. What? You don’t believe me… fine! Here’s some examples of the fine art going on the Uwe Boll’s ‘Postal’…

• A scene when Osama’s terrorists storm the release party for the Krotchy dolls at a theme park called Little Germany and results in a hail of gunfire leaving a massively bloody carnage of massacred children behind in their wake… Oh, good stuff, Uwe Boll!
• During a chase scene, a woman pushing a baby stroller across the street notices a speeding car heads right towards her just in time to leap out of the way as the car annihilates the stroller, sending it flying through the air. Uwe, you’re just too funny!
• Unbeknown-st to him, Verne Troyer finds himself part of the foretold prophecy written within the Bible of Dave, stating that the end of the world is nigh whence a tiny entertainer is raped by 1,000 monkeys. Yes, you heard me right. Verne Troyer is then tossed into an underground lair with 1,000 horny chimpanzees eagerly awaiting their destined prize.
• ‘Postal’ contains several references to the Nazi’s including a scene where a reporter is interviewing Uwe Boll (as himself) and goes on the record in support of the rumors that he uses Nazi gold to finance his films. “Gotta spend it on something, right” he comments.
• As for the appeal of the “graphic nudity” that is listed as one of the reasons for the R-rating on the back cover of the DVD, guys… don’t fall for it! There’s not one single naked ta-ta in this movie. Instead, you get one uncomfortably long exposure to Dave Foley’s “full monty” just before he boards the kamode and makes big, smelly poo while on camera. No, really… I’m serious.
• Seriously, you want to hear more of this crap?

So, you may be asking how I could give ‘Disaster Movie’ a rating of 1/4 stars but let ‘Postal’ off the hook with a star and a half… ‘Disaster Movie’ wasn’t funny at all, whereas ‘Postal’ actually had a few scenes whereas I genuinely laughed. Keep in mind, these scenes primarily consist of Dave Foley and Zack Ward, who were both relatively successful pulling off their parts with some comedic dignity. Otherwise, ‘Postal’ is nothing more than Uwe Boll trying to make his own John Waters style controversial comedy. I think I prefer him making lousy video game adaptations. Uwe, you are no John Waters!

* On a side note, perhaps the best part of the DVD is in the special features, whereas we are treated to a feature-length audio commentary from Uwe Boll and best yet… a featurette called ‘Raging Boll’ that documents Boll’s various boxing matches with some of his many critics. This is sort of a guilty pleasure to watch because he makes his critics look really bad, dominating them like little pathetic wimps.

[rating:1.5/5]