Best of the Bad … ‘Troll 2’

After  stumbling upon this network news clip  posted on  videogum.com, I was inspired to feature ‘Troll 2’ in my monthly Best of the Bad column. Check out this clip and then see what I have to say about this gloriously bad film that’s apparently got a small, but loyal following…

I have to say I am truly glad there are filmmakers out there who continue to work despite the criticism they receive… such as being called “hacks” for example, which I feel is undeserved. What would the world be like if we didn’t have crappy movies to enjoy late at night? Could you imagine a world where everything, including movies, was taken so seriously that no one ever has any fun? No thanks!

‘Troll 2’ deserves some props within the first 90 seconds, before the opening titles even show up. We get to see a mob of goblins, that resemble Ewoks on meth, gallivanting through the woods as a young boy’s grandfather reads him a rather disturbing fairy tale. This opening scene really sets the mood and Joshua’s grandfather Seth is kind of creepy. Joshua is cool though. He wears G.I. Joe pajamas and has a Darryl Strawberry pennant hanging on his bedroom wall! Who doesn’t like Strawberry?

The story begins with the Joshua’s family going on a vacation to a small, rural town called Nilbog (seriously?) as an “exchange” which his older sister explains to her weeny boyfriend Elliott, is when a family from the country swaps houses with a family from the city. Uh, who the Hell does this? As it turns out, the boy’s grandfather is dead, but he continues to see him and interact with him even though no one else can. The boy’s mother, who’s acting is so bad she might as well have been a cardboard cut-out, is worried that her son has mental problems. The father, who’s the polar opposite personality of the mother, is more optimistic that their vacation will solve all their problems. During the trip, the boy is repeatedly warned by his grandfather to take his family home because they’re in great danger. Meanwhile, Elliott and his loser buddies follow them out in a big RV and park just outside of town. Of course, this becomes crucial to the story.

Overall, the creature FX are far more humorous than scary, unless by “scary” you mean horribly bad. I think I made a paper mache bunny rabbit in grade school that was more realistic than the goblin masks in this movie. The goblins of Nilbog are vegetarians [which may explain a lot] and have it out for the humans because they eat meat. Speaking of which, the movie is titled ‘Troll 2’ but it’s all about goblins. What the…?

The acting in this film is obviously of a “special” caliber, but it’s the dialogue that truly makes ‘Troll 2’ shine as a member of the elite Best of the Bad movies. Here’s a few samples of the dialogue:

Here’s the general store owner talking to one of Elliott’s friends…

General Store Owner: Are you crazy, boy? We’re vegetarians here in Nilbog. Didn’t you know that? Here’s some Nilbog milk. Special milk. High in vitamin content. Here, it’s free.
Drew: Free?
General Store Owner: Of course it’s free. We love tourists here in Nilbog. Try some, boy, and have some of your friends drink some also.

And perhaps my favorite, here’s a speech given to Joshua by his dad Michael, after Joshua urinated all over the poisoned banquet the Nilbog family left to keep his family from eating it…

Michael: Tightening my belt one loop so that I don’t feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise. Okay, Joshua. You wanna get rough with me? You wanna show me that you don’t like the choice of this house for our vacation by going on a hunger strike? Well, I’ll accept the challenge. But just remember when I was your age, I really did suffer from hunger. We’ll see who gets through this, but just remember I’ve got more practice than you. I’ll see you tomorrow.

The remainder of the movie consists of the town of Nilbog trying to get the humans to eat the slimy green stuff or the “special” Nilbog milk that turns them into half man/half plant beings that happen to be a goblin’s favorite food. Joshua has an epiphany when he’s sees the town’s name in a car mirror and reads it backwards… “Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!” This is when Joshua decides to be the hero and save the day, with the help of his grandfather and his family, once they finally see the true identity of Nilbog’s residents. After all, how could you not defeat evil when your secret weapon is a double stacked bologna sandwich?