I Dream of Cinema …

For many years now I’ve harboured  a semi-secret personal dream of opening the “perfect” movie theatre. Now, “perfect” is subjective and will vary greatly depending on who you ask, so this “perfect” is what my “perfect” would entail. I am sure some of you will agree on at least some of the details. The basic idea is this … if I were to ever suddenly become endowed with massive amounts of cash, you know … Ed McMahon showing up on your doorstep before you’ve showered to give you a ginormous paper check with lots of zeroes on it … that kind of cash, I would build my dream theatre for all to enjoy.  It would resemble something such as this:

First, I would locate an old, existing theatre that is still standing, but also structurally sound enough to renovate. This would be the trickiest part of the project, as there are few of these landmarks left and the number dwindles as each year passes. In addition, many of these are no longer suitable for renovation and could only be demolished for rebuilding. As a last resort, this would be an option if option  “A” failed …it would allow for a relatively accurate model for designing a theatre to replicate the original that sadly had to be destroyed.

Without going into great detail, I would install a classic box office out front with a historically accurate lobby and concession area. Decor throughout the theatre would consist of classic movie palace tendencies, ornate and slightly overdone. I would have a large collection of original one-sheet posters which would be rotated regularly throughout the lobby. There would be NO ARCADE! Theatres are for enjoying movies, not for tolerating hyper-obnoxious teenie-boppers that are dropped there by parents as to give themselves time to regain sanity. The concession counter would offer fresh-popped popcorn (imagine that) with salt and REAL butter. None of that imitation chemical “I-can’t-believe-its-really-food” butter-like substance. A theatre patron could also choose from a variety of candies, but messy inappropriate items such as nachos would be banned. Want nachos … go to a bar or a ballgame. Drink options would include soda and beer, both of which offered in bottles … but also in draft for beer or classic fountain soda’s made by skilled soda jerks. (Cool!)

The theatre itself, with a total of 3-5 screens, each deliberately designed for optimal line-of-sight and acoustics, would be installed with new, comfortable cushioned seats fashioned after the old-style, but with ergonomics in mind. There will be no stadium-style, high-back reclining and/or rocking chairs. Again, if you want to kick back in a recliner and relax to the point of slumber … do it at home. The seats would be just large enough for the average-sized American … something current theatres apparently tend to forget at times. Each seat will have its own cup-holder on one arm rest and on the other, a built in remote allowing patrons to discretely notify the ushers of technical problems or disturbances from other movie-watchers … without having to leave their seat and miss part of the show. Can I get a hallelujah?

Each screen would be accompanied by both a traditional film projector and a digital projector. As much as I love watching movies as they were originally intended, I must be realistic … we are headed towards a fully-digital society. Audio design would be top-notch, of course. Before each screening, patrons would enjoy a complimentary short film, either live-action or animated, followed by the trailers and then the show itself. That’s right … no commercials. I get enough of those watching TV at home. In addition, the long lost double feature will be resurrected. Finally, and perhaps the most important element of my dream theatre … the staff, all of them, will be movie geeks. Teenagers and spring-break college slackers have no place working in my theatre, unless they also hold a true love of the cinema. So, I promise to inform everyone immediately of the grand opening shin-dig that will Cristen my dream theatre and all of you are invited … just as soon as I finally win that Powerball Lottery.