One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Comments on the poster: What’s a “wim-wam” anyway? The quote at the top was so clearly not real and, in fact should read… “THIS PICTURE COULD SET OUR MOVIE INDUSTRY BACK AT LEAST FIFTY YEARS!”

Title: ‘Monster a Go-Go’

Release Date: July 1965

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 9/23/2009): #7 (based on 2,516 votes)

Why it’s Here: “Why is MONSTER A GO-GO on this list?” That’s a great question, albeit an extremely easy one to answer. MONSTER A GO-GO is, quite simply the WORST movie EVER made, at least it as so far, amongst the 4,000+ films I’ve seen over my three decades of existence thus far. At the time of this article, MONSTER A GO-GO sits at a disgracefully high-ranking position of #7 on the IMDB’s Bottom 100 List. Sitting at #4 is SUPER BABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2 and sitting proudly at #1 is POCKET NINJAS. I would, and I exaggerate none, GLADLY sit through either of those films… no, BOTH of those films, back-to-back, before I would willingly subject myself to a second viewing of MONSTER A GO-GO.

As far as I’m concerned, this movie should have a lifetime membership on the IMDB Bottom 100 list and retain a position at #1, indefinitely! Now, I’m not one to criticize an older film, based solely on it’s age, but that’s not the problem. Many “old” movies a bad by today’s standards, but still hold some redeeming value and interest. MONSTER A GO-GO however, holds none, whatsoever. I am actually amazed that Turner Classic Movies occasionally plays this film, although it’s usually late at night. I thought the film had to be good as well as old to be taken under TCM’s wing, but I guess I was wrong.

The film is a terrible knock-off of the classic sci-fi TV series like THE TWILIGHT ZONE and THE OUTER LIMITS, complete with the semi-documentary feel and the articulately-spoken narration from a mysterious, unseen voice. The difference of course, is that these elements are epic failures in MONSTER A GO-GO. The cinematography is beyond amateurish, in fact… high school student amateurs with NO prior experience could have done a better job, even back in the 60′s.

The opening title cards aren’t even properly leveled, and the 60′s go-go music at the beginning an end has absolutely no place in the film. The camera is shaky, often out of focus, poorly lit to the point many of the night scenes are nearly pure black and the bulk of the rare “monster” scenes are so dark and obscured they might as well have not even shot any monster scenes. The filmmaker lingers WAAAAAAAY TOOOOOOO LOOOOOOONG on scenes of little to no importance, often maintaining a single, straight-forward non-moving camera angle. Seriously, this is the most boring, uninteresting, un-enjoyable and unbelievably regrettable 70 minutes I have EVER spent watching a movie. Period!

A few words on the audio, what there is of it… Not only are the levels so uneven and poorly modulated that I found myself often playing hopscotch with my remote control’s volume buttons, there are so many audibly silent sections of the film where there’s simply no audio track at all. The narrator in the film has a terrible tendency to give the point of a scene away, right before the scene occurs. Let me illustrate: the narrator explains on more than one occasion that a character will meet his demise, as that character approaches that very demise, then it happens… why even shoot the damn scene? MONSTER A GO-GO might as well have just been an audio book (if they had them back then). At least it would have cost less. The dialogue, well… that’s really a whole other article in itself. Here’s a taste of the narrator’s dialogue at the end… don’t worry, it really doesn’t matter that I’m giving this away. Trust me, you won’t want it!

Narrator: “Suddenly there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with shadows and darkness. With the telegram, one cloud lifts, and another descends. Astronaut Frank Douglas, rescued, alive, well, and of normal size some 8000 miles away in a lifeboat.”

Lowest of the Low Moments: Easily, one of the lowest of the low moments is during a scene when an attractive brunette’s car breaks down in the middle of the road. She can’t get the car started. She hears a vehicle approaching, gets out of her car and runs in front of the truck. The driver stops, gets out and yells at the woman. She tells him her car is broke down, unbelievably terrible (and pointless) dialogue ensues between the two characters before the truck driver realizes she’s apparently just out of gas, gives her a bit of fuel, then as he walks away the brunette calls him back to give the stocky stranger a big, wet kiss on the mouth, then they both part ways. That’s it! Why? Does this scene really need to take as much time from the “story” (using the term loosely) as it does, if it needed to be there at all?

If you’re truly interested in torturing yourself by watching MONSTER A GO-GO, view the trailer below, so that at least you’re not going into the movie blind…

Will it Ever Get Off the List: The only enjoyable way to view this film is as the episode of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 that was produced, but even then it’s not the best. I imagine this was one of the most difficult films for them to make fun of…

I surely hope it never finds it’s way off the IMDB Bottom 100 list. The list is intended for bad movies that actually ARE bad and NOT fun to watch, and MONSTER A GO-GO certainly fits that mold. Any movie that has me (of all people) repeatedly checking the running time of the film every ten minutes to see how much longer I would have to endure this torture, is not a film a would wish upon my worst enemies. Then again, now I’m imagining such an enemy being strapped into a chair with his fuzzy warbles held open, forced to watch this film, in a loop, over and over and over and over… hahahahaha (evil laugh).

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Merlins Shop of Mystical Wonders’

Release Date: 1996

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 9/16/2009): #24 (based on 2,100 votes)

Why it’s Here: MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS… how does that sound to you? Sure, that’s what I thought as well. Oh, no! It’s gonna be some cheesy low-budget lame kid’s movie that could only appeal to the youngest of kids, primarily due to the lights and sounds. Boy oh boy, was I wrong. Well, sort of… the movie sure seems to be marketed as a children’s fantasy film, chock full of magical things. Who wouldn’t love it if Merlin the Wizard/Sorcerer decided to open shop in modern times? Think of all the cool stuff he’d have!

That is what happens, but the difference is that many of the items in his shop are EVIL! Yeah, the long-haired, long-bearded Dumbledore hippie dude seems friendly enough on the surface, but as the characters in the movie find out, if you get on Merlin’s bad side you’ll pay the ultimate price. No, not by his own hands, but his nifty knick-knacks will do a real number on ya! What I’m saying is that this is NOT a kid’s movie, but more of a really bad, yet deeply disturbing anthology of two horror stories stitched together as though a grandfather is telling them to his grandson as bedtime stories.

WTF? What kind of grandfather would do that? The kid in the movie is all of 6-7 years old! Ernest Borgnine, that’s who. Yeah, Old Ernie was still making movie in 1996. I’m actually ashamed to find out he was involved in this film, because I like Mr. Borgnine (MARTY, THE WILD BUNCH). I guess when you get to be that age and still love acting, your options are fairly slim. Kind of gets you pigeon-holed into playing grandpa. Anyway, the most horrifying part of this deceptively not kid-friendly movie is actually that the grandfather is telling his grandson these stories.

The production value of MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS is an interesting topic. It’s not good, so let’s get that out of the way. No surprise there. However, parts of the film appear to have been attempting a hybrid look, melding TALES FROM THE CRYPT with LAND OF THE LOST (the old TV show) and a dab of FRAGGLE ROCK as well. You’d have to see Merlin’s shop to understand what I mean. Actually, the movie tends to borrow quite a bit from other, more successful horror films. A few that I noticed right away were CAT’S EYE, POLTERGEIST and especially MONKEY SHINES.

As is often the case with low-budget films of this genre, fog machines are over-used and the music in this movie is so lame it almost warrants a criminal offense. However, some of the special FX in the second story are kinda cool, in a bad cult movie kind of way. You’ll seem some of them in the YouTube highlights video below, particularly the guy digging in the middle of nowhere when all Hell breaks loose.

This shouldn’t come as any shock, but the writing is atrocious as well as the acting. Borgnine’s performance is well above anyone else’s and that’s not saying a lot. Mr. Borgnine has lost a mighty chucnk of his talent in his golden years. I have to admit though, some of the dialogue is actually kind of funny because it’s so crazy, but if I had to guess, it was probably written that way. “Merlin, you bastard!” There’s a scene when a kid is playing, pretending to be a “Rock and Roll Martian” as he sings those very words… classic stuff.

One of the most poorly written little scenes (of many) occurs when the grandfather tells his grandson about how the character in his story seeks out the help of a psychic. His grandson doesn’t know what that word means, so his grandfather attempts to explain, then finally says “someone who can see into the future, talk to ghosts… you know, a clairvoyant.” His grandson responds “Oh, a clairvoyant. Why didn’t you say so?” I assume this was intended to be funny, but it just comes off as silly.

Speaking of bad dialogue, and there’s plenty of it here, one of my favorite lines in the whole movie is when Merlin goes out into the modern world (looking like Merlin) to look for the evil toy monkey that has escaped his shop. Merlin approaches an attractive young woman on the street and asks “Excuse me, but have you seen my little monkey?” I’m sorry… I know the movie sucks, but that right there is funny. I don’t care who you are!

Lowest of the Low Moments: In the first of the two stories, Satan himself appears before Jonathan Cooper, now aging rapidly and on the brink of death. Satan is having a good old belly-aching laugh at Jonathan and asks him if he believes in magic now. Why is this so bad? You’d have to actually SEE Satan in this scene to understand, but it’s ridiculous. It may sound strange to say this about Lucifer, bringer of evil, but I feel bad for the guy. If I were him, I would totally be filing a defamation law suit because this portrayal of the Lord of the Flies is nothing short of insulting. He has this big, stupid-looking grin that doesn’t move, even though he’s talking and laughing, and his little puppy-sized teeth stick up out of his jaw, making him look more like a Boston Terrier with an under-bite than the Prince of Darkness.

An added point of lowness must be made. It’s not an issue with it being poorly made, but rather that I am a pet person. Dogs and cats alike, they hold something of a soft spot on my heart. Now, I’m not saying that movies should never portray cute, cuddly pets being killed or dying, it depends on the story… but, I took issue with MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS because they killed a pet in BOTH of the two stories. Hey, this isn’t PET SEMETARY people! Ease up! A cat dies at the hands of Jonathan’s evil spell-tinkering hands int he first story and the family dog dies at the hands of an evil toy monkey in the second story. I would boycott the movie, but I doubt anyone would care.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: Mmm, probably not. MERLIN’S SHOP OF MYSTICAL WONDERS already sits right at the Top 25% region of the IMDB Bottom 100, so it has a good 75 spots on average to recover before it drops off the list. Add to this the fact that it’s been immortalized as a bad movie by the MST3K crew, some fans with whom I have spoke even calls it one of their favorite episodes. In most cases, that means good things for a film, but not with MST3K. This movie’s only 13 years old, compared to many of the list that are either much older or much newer, so it sits in limbo between the films that are rarely ever seen due to their age and lack of availability and the relatively new films that show up on a whim but often tend to drop off fairly quickly as people move on to other movies. Given the spotlight MST3K has placed on the film, it may find itself stuck on the list for a long time to come. After all, what’s more fun than watching really bad movies while consuming excess amounts of cheap vodka? Exactly, and we’ll always need a healthy supply of really bad movies to play while getting hammered!

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘The Hellcats’

Release Date: 1967

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 9/2/2009): #12 (based on 1073 votes)

Why it’s Here: Biker chicks and Davy Jones, that’s about all this movie has going for it.   What’s it have working against it?   A whole helluva lot.  Directed by Robert F. Slatzer from a screenplay by Tony Huston and James Gordon White, the movie moves along at a snails pace.  After setting up the opening at an undercover cop’s funeral, any idea of a discernible plot line gets lost in endless scenes of people riding on bikes and dancing to funky, super swinging sounds of the ’60s.  At one point, Davy Jones and the Dolphins kick into their song, “Mass Confusion,” and the placement couldn’t be more appropriate.  There’s a backbone narrative of some sorts about former military guy going undercover and the biker gang his brother was riding with.  The mob gets connected in there somewhere, but, honestly, it gets easy to lose track of where any noticeable story is going.  The film, if whittled down to its soul, could have, and probably should have, been about 10 minutes long.  What Slatzer and company do is pad the hell out of it with every, little bit of minutia they can think of.  We get more than a few scenes involving Eric Lidberg as Hiney, a gang member who just can’t lay off the 8-balls.  Watching him practically OD once is torture enough, but we get to revisit it again and again, as if it’s the only thing holding the film’s flimsy structure up.

And it’s not like the film can even play up the style-over-substance card.  A number of shots that are way, WAY out of focus indicate the director may have been falling asleep behind the camera.  That’s not all that surprising, but you would have thought someone on set would have cared enough to let him know what he was shooting.  Special props also go out to Gil Hubbs, the cinematographer, on this one.  I emphasize “props” not in the sense of kudos but literal props…from the movie.  He clearly got hold of some of the drugs laying around on set and imbibed himself.  What am I saying?  Hubbs clearly isn’t the only person on this films set who was under some kind of chemical influence.  It’s very odd considering Hubbs would go on seven years later to serve as director of photography on ‘Enter the Dragon.’

The acting is plain awful with Ross Hagen leading the pack.  Typically a character actor for TV westerns, Hagen advanced to the lead position for ‘The Hellcats,’ and he dropped the ball completely.  According to his biography on IMDB, he once ran an acting school with his wife, Claire Polan.  I would love to see some of the talent that came out of that school.  However, as abysmal a performance as Hagen gives here, it holds no candle to the utter gear-grinding dialogue reading that comes from the director himself, Robert F. Slatzer.  He plays the mob boss, and any semblance of acting ability hits a brick wall when it’s in this guy’s presence.

The film does have one, interesting scene, however.  At one point, as a sort of initiation into the gang, would-be members are forced to lay down on the ground and have their feet tied to the back of one bike.  They then hold on a rape that is tied to another bike.  The bike they are tied to begins revving and pulling them, and the inductees have to hold on for a certain amount of time.  It’s an interesting segment that would have worked wonders in a much better film.  As it stands, it’s just a mild high point in a film loaded with lows.

‘The Hellcats’ is a complete mess of boring screenwriting, horrendous direction and cringe-inducing performances.  On the surface, it’s the kind of film that would play perfectly in a Grindhouse double feature, but it’s just so bland and meaningless.  It truly is one of those movies where you sit back after it is over and ask yourself, “What the hell was that movie about?”

Lowest of the Low Moments: At one point during a particularly raucous party, a fight breaks out.   To say the choreography in this fight is bad is putting it incredibly lightly.   This is some of the worst fight choreography this side of ‘Pocket Ninjas.’   The guys involved are swinging chains at one another, and the way one of them jumps over the chain is more reminiscent of jumping rope than a hard-edged, biker brawl.   In a film with this much down-time and boring plot progression, you would think the one, true, action sequence might get revved up even more so.   Well, Mr. Slatzer took that notion and stomped it into the ground.   This fight is just awful, and, like everything else in the film, it takes about four times as long to play out as it should.

Not even these glorious screen captures will give you much of an inclination as to how slow-paced this fight is, but enjoy them anyway.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: In all honesty, as bad as this film is, it probably does not deserve to be on the IMDB bottom 100 at all, let alone all the way up/down the list at #12.   Having said this, it’s probably not a good sign for the film getting off the list any time soon.   With just over 1000 votes, it would have to pick up some serious cult status to move its way up and off the list permanently.   Unfortunately, the film, while not a good film in any sense, falls nowhere near the “so bad it’s good” category as something like ‘Troll 2.’   Don’t look for this film to ever get off the list.   In fact, it’s probably a good idea not to look for this film in any sense of the word.   The more this film falls further into the swamp of obscurity it’s already sunk in, the better.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘R.O.T.O.R.’

Release Date: 1989

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 8/26/2009): #15 (based on 1,053 votes)

Why it’s Here: From the moment you start watching R.O.T.O.R. it’s becomes pretty clear why it’s on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list. One of the first shots on screen is an aerial shot from a traffic chopper depicting a highway in Dallas with the ideal “good” traffic scenarion, yet the voice over describes unbearable traffic jams and a virtual parking lot. Hmm, must be talking about a different highway… This sets the viewer’s expectations for the rest of the film fairly well.

The story follows Captain Coldyron (Richard Gesswein), a tough-as-nails police officer, and I guess scientist [?] as he’s the head of the police research lab developing a robotic police force. When Coldyron and his boss have a falling out, Coldyron is relieved of his position and he gets revenge by becoming a vigilante, intent on making life for the police difficult. Meanwhile, one of the robotic cops escapes and malfunctions, going on a misguided law-enforcement killing spree.

In the robot cop’s first appearance, he stops a guy and his girl speeding, blows away the dude and then goes after the chick, but she manages to escape the “unstoppable” robot cop by laying on her car horn, which apparently immobilizes the robot cop by giving it a massive robo-headache. Coldyron finds out soon after that the robot cop has escaped and makes it his mission to stop the carnage.

Definition: R.O.T.O.R. = “Robotic Officer Tactical Operations Research”

Virtually everything in this movie is laughable. The acting could have been more sophisticated from trained apes, but even a seasoned award-winning thespian couldn’t have done much with this dialogue. Here’s a taste…

Coldyron: “Let me tell you something, mister. You fire me and I’ll make more noise than two skeletons making love in a tin coffin, brother.”

R.O.T.O.R. is a sci-fi/crime/action movie that’s one half WALKER: TEXAS RANGER, one half DIRTY HARRY and one half JUDGE DREDD, with a Robbie the Robot knock-off thrown in, just for comic relief. [However, the comic relief comes off more as comic torture.] Chronologically, R.O.T.O.R. precedes both, but it’s clear the idea was at least partially inspired by THE TERMINATOR (1984) which was a landmark accomplishment at the time. Robbie the Rip-Off Robot even makes a snide remark at one point, saying this “must have been how The Terminator got his start,” referring to his being forced to do something against his will.

For some unimaginable reason, R.O.T.O.R. has yet to be released on DVD. So, I was forced to watch this movie on good ole VHS. Part of me enjoyed this ancient ritual as nostalgic, breaking out the VCR and blowing the dust off. The other part of me wondered why I was going to so much trouble to watch a movie guaranteed to disappoint. If ever there was a movie that needed the attention of Mystery Science Theater 3000, this was it!

Lowest of the Low Moments: This is one of those movies with so much bad, it’s difficult to choose one part that is the worst. However, I have am 99 certain the worst part is the ending. Despite all that sucks about R.O.T.O.R., the filmmaker had the nerve to end the film by teasing a sequel. Yeah, as if this wasn’t painful enough, there was at least the intention of a second dose, setting us up to believe Coldyron’s nephew would take his place fighting an updated model called R.O.T.O.R. II, this time based off of Dr. Steele’s mind and body, whereas the first was based on Captain Coldyron.

The fact that this film has so much voice-over narration makes that a low moment all on it’s own. Combine this with the excessive amount of explanatory dialogue written into the script, it’s like watching play-by-play commentary of the film as it plays. This is both a truly odd and excruciatingly bad movie. Captain Coldyron spouts the following answer to an inquiry regarding whether creating the robotic police force made them heroes or villains… “The only difference between heroes and villains is the amount of money they take for compensation. At our pay scale, I’d say we’re heroes.”

The second-in-command police scientist who takes over on the robotic police project has a conversation with his robot assitant, mocking the movie by asking “What do you think this is, some low-budget sci-fi flick?” YES! It is! Need more proof of wrong-doing? In another scene, Coldyron stops a thug at a convenient store. The Caucasian thug takes a woman hostage at gunpoint and calls Coldyron (a white guy) a “white boy”… yeah, that’s obvious!

My favorite character is Dr. Steele, a Rambo-like female character who is also a scientist. She wears combat fatigue pants and a black muscle shirt. Dr. Steele is actually about as ripped as Coldyron, and she sports a skunk hairdo. No kidding! Dr. Steele is played by Jayne Smith, whose only other cinematic role was a character named Mary Turd in another 1989 movie called FLESH GORDON MEETS THE COSMIC CHEERLEADERS (aka FLESH GORDON 2). Now, that’s what I call high-class talent!

There’s another scientist character who happens to be a Native American. This character is putting the moves on a blonde female scientist, speaking the most stereotypical, poorly-written jive I’ve ever heard, ending his attempt when the lady walks away by saying “Once you go red, you never get out of bed.” What? C’mon, was this movie EVER taken seriously. “ARRGH!” As the R.O.T.O.R. cop would clench his fists and say whenever someone gets away, I suppose not.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: God, I hope not! R.O.T.O.R. should be a lifetime member of the IMDB Bottom 100 List. In fact, with the movie currently being at #15 on a list of 100, if this ever drops off the list I will have had lost all hope in humankind. My only concern is that the movie ISN’T available on DVD. Why is this a bad thing? No DVD, the number of people subjected to this film continues to diminish until by mathematics alone, it drops off the list. So, this is my official call for R.O.T.O.R. to be released on DVD, so that enough poor, unsuspecting movie watchers will continue to see the film in the future and rate it poorly on IMDB. Ah, HA HA HA HA… this, be my perfectly evil master plan!

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Pocket Ninjas’

Release Date: March 25, 2007

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 8/12/2009): #1 (based on 700 votes)

Why it’s Here: Recently, while coming up with ideas for our weekly Top 10 Tuesday column, a Movie Geeks joked that we should come up with the list of Top 10 Hollywood chins.  He threw out names like Bruce Campbell, Willem Dafoe, Sienna Miller, and a few other notable mandibles.  However, I had an ace up my sleeve.  Amidst this back and forth of a non-alcoholic name game,  I whipped out the name of the one actor that trumped all others.  This man has a chin that can be seen by space.  I’m pretty sure if his chin were to ever appear in a movie theater, the gravitational pull would create a wormhole.  I’m talking about Robert Z’Dar.

Don’t know who I’m talking about?  How about now?

I think that tattoo used about a half a gallon of ink.  Then, while scouring the IMDB Bottom 100 to find what movie I should talk about this week, I came across the name ‘Pocket Ninjas.’  It stars Z’Dar.  It’s about a trio of pre-teen martial arts experts.  It’s at #1.  #1!!!  How could anything be so bad starring Robert Z’Dar that it deserves to be all the way up (or down, depending on how  you look at it) at the very top (or bottom) of the list?  I thought that, then I pushed play.  This movie is unwatchable.

Z’Dar stars as Cobra Khan, an evil gangster who can only be stopped by the White Dragon, played by kick-boxing champ, Gary Daniels.  After becoming injured during a battle with Khan, the White Dragon trains three of his black belt students.  Before you can say “‘Three Ninjas’ is getting ripped off” the kids are fighting crime and whooping some Cobra Khan ass.

Everything, EVERYTHING, about this movie is at an all-time low.  The acting can’t even be considered acting.  There are moments involving an evil kid (I didn’t bother to remember his name) where it literally seems like he was being fed one line at a time from some offscreen voice.  I would think that for real, but I’m sure it wasn’t in this film’s budget to go back in post and take the instructional voice out.  The fight choreography is horrendous with stunt coordination going to someone named Rick Rabago.  He also has a part in the film as Cubby Khan, though I’m not quite sure which character that was.

The music, the plot detailing, the pacing.  Everything seems to be pulled out of some, God-awful, ’80s movie trying to capitalize off of the popularity of Chuck Norris movies.  Unfortunately, ‘Pocket Ninjas’ was filmed in 1994.  Released in 1997, it is a movie that instantly hit the wall of being dated.   Awful and endless training montages, ridiculously choreographed fighting, and lamest of the lame in terms of humor, this movie has absolutely nothing interesting to offer.   Fortunately for the world, not that many people have seen it.  There’s a reason why director Dave Eddy only did one, other movie, a documentary about September 11 called ‘The Box.’  We won’t hold that movie against him, but we sure as hell will hold ‘Pocket Ninjas’ aganst him.

There are some movie that I watch for this column, and I wonder why they are on the Bottom 100 list.  A lot of these movies just get bad wraps, and people feel they have to slight them.  Then there are movies like ‘Pocket Ninjas,’ which not only deserves to be on this list, it genuinely deserves to be at this #1 spot.

Lowest of the Low Moments: As with most of these movies we talk about, there are many moments that could be construed as “lowest of the lows.”  With ‘Pocket Ninjas,’ it comes down to two moments.  One is a throwaway scene.  While criminals are terrorizing the streets of the city, one thug lures a helpless girl into a nest of other thugs by pulling on a piece of paper with fishing line.  She has a rod and reel and is standing behind some bushes.  The helpless girl, who deserves to get beat up by goons, slowly walks after the piece of paper (it might be a pamphlet of some kind, though it eludes me why she gives a damn about it) bent over in a faint effort to pick it up.  Really awful.

However, as bad as this is, it really can’t hold a candle to the central fight scene.  It involves Cobra Khan and White Dragon, and it takes place at a carnival.  Think you know where this is going?  Think again.   Everyone involved in this movie, I believe, thought they were making comedy gold, but this fight proves they were wrong.   Z’Dar and Gary Daniels bouncing up and down on balloons is one thing.   Watching them play patty-cake is another entirely.   There isn’t even much fighting in this “fight” scene.

See for yourself:

Will it Ever Get Off the List: It’s all the way at the bottom of the bottom list.   Granted, only 700 people have seen it, but that number isn’t looking to explode anytime soon.   Even if it does, the more people who see this, the more 1s out of 10 this movie is going to get.   There is no way, NO WAY, this movie is ever going to get off the Bottom 100 list, and it shouldn’t.

It is absolutley one of the worst pieces of movie making I have ever had to force myself to watch.   Even then, and I’ll be perfectly honest with you, I found myself doing anything else during the last half of the movie.   That includes dusting my computer and alphabetizing my book shelves.   If you’re ever with your buddies, and you are debating on what to watch to subject yourselves to the worst movie known to man, look no further than ‘Pocket Ninjas.’

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Track of the Moon Beast’

Release Date: Roughly speaking, 1976.

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 8/5/2009): # 15 (based on 1.492 votes)

Why it’s Here: This movie is here for all the typical reasons… bad acting, terrible script, amateur camera work (although fundamentally not bad) and lame special effects. TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST is the kind of filmmaking that makes you sit there and wonder what it must be like, during the writing process, to believe what you’re writing is quality stuff only later to realize no one to come within 10-feet of the finished product.

Kathy Nolan: But you’re going to kill him with a bow and arrow?
Johnny Longbow: Not with just any old bow and arrow but with this!
[Johnny shows Kathy the bit of meteor that serves as the arrowhead.]

At least, that’s the original reaction to this film from director Richard “Dick” Ashe. It’s not a stretch to realize TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST was Dick’s first and final film. If you see the movie, you’ll know why. However, I imagine the fact that the movie was made in 1972 and was not picked up by a distributor until four years later left a sour taste in Dick’s mouth. In reality, this would be considered a relatively impressive first feature for an amateur backyard filmmaker without a budget. Honestly, I’ve seen much worse filmmaking with much larger budgets.

The acting is forced by every actor in the film, unnatural and the timing is usually anything but successful. The dialogue attempts to be too perfect. No one talks like these characters in real life. Fortunately, Ashe managed to cast some relatively appealing actors, as in not difficult to look at. Chase Cordell plays Paul, the lead character that gets hit in the head with a tiny piece of meteor that turns out to be a moon rock with mystical powers. Cordell’s crowning achievement would end up being a three-episode stint on the TV series VEGA$ at the end of the 70′s.

Leigh Drake certainly is not hard to look at, as far as amateur actresses from the late 70′s are concerned. Drake plays Paul’s girlfriend Kathy. Her big claim to fame would be as the dispatcher in THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD (1985). This would also be her last acting role in a film. Fortunately, Drake was kind enough to wear nothing but sinfully short shorts for the entire film. Hooray for short shorts!

When it comes time to for TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST to pay off with special effects, the result is anything but scary. Well, that’s not entirely true. If you find a six-foot tall lizard-man resembling a Komodo Dragon wrapped in bondage leather flailing about making fart noises scary, then yeah… this is a decent horror film. The gore and dismemberment scenes are laughably bad, providing a welcome dose of unintended comic relief.

Lowest of the Low Moments: The scene that sticks out in my mind the most is when Paul and Kathy are hanging out in a local bar/club with a late-era hippie band performing ‘California Lady’ on stage, inter-cut with scenes of Paul and Kathy after they leave the bar. The scene has a sort of evil appeal to it, even though you can’t stand t watch or listen. Sort of like walking into a department store in the middle of August and finding yourself humming along with the inappropriately-early Christmas music being pumped into the store. By the time you realize you’ve actually kind of been subconsciously digging the music it’s too late and you start looking around to make sure no one saw you. (Hey, I’ve been there. I know how it feels!)

The other lowest of the low moment is actually a small collection of crucially failed scenes. These are scenes that would have needed to be original and creatively accomplished to sell a sci-fi/horror film like this. The first scene is Paul’s very first experience with transforming into the deadly lizard-man from the moon creature. His portrayal of this transformation is more like an awkward moaning and light tossing in bed as a result of eating bad ham salad that it is the epic and electrified transformation of Jack into a werewolf in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLD IN LONDON. Shortly following this scene is the first kill scene by the moon beast, attacking a tiny old man on the doorstep of his house. The old man appears frightened, slack-jawed and wide-eyed for about ten seconds longer than is necessary as the moon beast is right on top of him. The creature’s growl literally sounds more like a combination the hocking of phlegm and the flatulent release of gases from a constipated old man. Not pretty! Not pretty at all!

One final note… TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST seems reliant on an element of make-believe Native American folk lore to drive it’s story. As a person who holds a great deal of respect for the Native American people, their traditions and beliefs, I had a difficult time getting past this part of the film. I suppose it’s a valiant attempt at creating an original concept in a genre otherwise filled with cliche’s but it’s use goes mostly unappreciated.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: This difference is, TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST is one of those painfully fun movies that has that legendary bad movie appeal, a yet unrealized cult potential that hopefully will catch up with it’s extremely late 2008 DVD release. Gregorio Sala isn’t entirely bad as Professor John “Johnny Longbow” Salinas, the man who investigates the mysterious murders, figures out the mystery of what the killer is, tracks down the killer and figures out how to kill the moon beast. Hell, Dick Ashe might have well just cast the film as a one man show, starring just Sala. He could have even played the monster. It’s always a good sign of popularity for a film like this when the MST3K crew devotes an episode of their show to the movie as they did with TRACK OF THE MOON BEAST. It’s unlikely to fall off the list completely in the next 100 years, but the cult status of the film will probably lift it higher than it’s current spot at #15 on IMDB’s Bottom 100 List.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Going Overboard′

Release Date: May 11, 1989

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 7/29/2009): #69 (based on 5475 votes)

Why it’s Here: We thought in honor of Adam Sandler’s new collaboration with Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen, ‘Funny People,’ (which is bound to make each one of them enough money to buy a small country) we would go back and view one of the earlier and universally panned films of Sandler. Lucky me. ‘Going Overboard,’ in fact, Sandler’s first feature film after making a few spots on “The Cosby Show,” has to be the worst film I’ve had to write up for this column. Hokey and lame and not funny in the least, it is the one film I’ve seen that I can truly say there is absolutely nothing redeemable about.

Sandler plays Schecky Moskowitz, a name, I’m sure, writer/director Valerie Breiman, just died laughing at as soon as she wrote it. Schecky is a struggling comedian who takes a job as a waiter on a cruise ship. As luck would have it, there Miss Universe contest being held on board. This provides absolutely nothing to the story. The crew shot on this particular cruise ship that was headed for Cancun and the real Miss Universe contest, and there had to be some explanation for all the pageant contestants in the background.

Anyway, Schecky’s rival on the ship is the ship’s entertainment, a flashy comedian named Dickie Diamond, played by Scott LaRose, who can’t go 30 seconds without dropping an F-bomb on everybody. Throw in a grungy rock star, King Neptune, and General Noriega (yeah, you heard that right) and you’ve got yourselves a recipe for comedy.

Not really. This film isn’t funny in the least. It’s budget, or lack thereof, is actually flaunted in earlier moments. Schecky, talking directly to the camera, talks about how “no-budget” the film is, then provides a demonstration on how to create an earthquake by shaking the camera. This is early Sandler, way, waaaaaayyyyyy before he honed his skills as a comedian. The idea that Schecky is a struggling comedian who just can’t catch a break is about the only believable thing here.

To look at the cast list is to hang your head in shame at some of the people who stepped on board this project before they were anybody. Peter Berg and Billy Zane are at the top of that list, showing up as a sleezy manager for the rock star and King Neptune, as previously mentioned. It’s just shameful and cringe-worthy at its very worst. Billy Bob Thornton makes an appearance as an audience member. He gets a few lines, and no one in the room believes that less than ten years later, he’s have an Oscar on his mantel. Burt Young and Milton Berle give glorified cameo performances, and you can’t feel sorry for them, too bad. They’d been around Hollywood enough to know how atrocious this film was.

Stay away from ‘Going Overboard.’  In fact, the film as shelved until Sandler became a huge star nearly ten years after the film was completed.  You can probably find it in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.   Do yourself and everyone around you a favor.  Shove it all the way to the bottom and keep moving.

Lowest of the Low Moments: As part of our journey with Schecky, we become privy to his inner thoughts.   He daydreams, and we are forced to watch these dreams come to sparkling life.   One, in particular, features Schecky and Dickie in a boxing match.   However, this isn’t just any   boxing match.   No punches are thrown, just insults.   Each insult, increasingly brutal and unfunny, causes physical harm to the opponent.   It’s as lame as it sounds.   In fact, it’s even lamer than that.   Honestly, I’m sure there are worse moments than this in the film, but your brain will be so numb to it all by the time they come around that it won’t matter.   This scene happens early enough that your still lucid and not contemplating throwing your TV in the trash to save it.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: Let’s hope not.   There isn’t much hope for ‘Going Overboard’ to ever get itself off the Bottom 100 list, nor should it.   If Sandler’s success hasn’t driven enough people to go back and watch this piece of trash, nothing will.   It only has 5475 votes compared to the just over 66,000 votes for ‘Click.’   And, honestly, the more people who see this movie, the worse the chances of it getting off this list become.   It’s wholly unfunny and completely annoying.   I’m sure this is one Sandler wants hidden in his closet for a long, long time.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Leonard Part 6′

Release Date: December 18, 1987

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 7/22/2009): #95 (based on 4515 votes)

Why it’s Here: Melted butter!

Starting in the 1960s, Bill Cosby was one of the premiere comedians on the scene.  Releasing dozens of albums and selling out arenas day-in and day-out, he was on his way to being one of the biggest in history.  While he still may be, something changed in the late ’80s for Mr. Cosby.  Aside from starring in his own TV show, one that would be remembered as one of the best of that decade, he also began taking less-than-thrilling parts in less-than-thrilling movies.  The defining moment in Bill Cosby’s movie career that seemed to turn the tide for him was ‘Leonard Part 6.’

Cosby plays Leonard Parker, a former spy who is called out of retirement to help stop an evil woman from turning small animals against innocent people.  While it’s not Shakespeare, it certainly opened the doorway for some comedic antics.  However, instantly, ‘Leonard Part 6′ was being called one of, if not THE, worst films of all time.  It didn’t help that Cosby, who served as writer and producer on the film, as well, realized the film was no good halfway through production.  After the film’s release, he publicly denounced the project and actually warned audiences to stay away from it.

Killer trout.  Magic meat.  A giant vat of Alka-Seltzer.  These are just a few of the things one might find in ‘Leonard Part 6′ that goes for comedy.  Honestly, in a ridiculous nature, some of this works.  The killer trout, for instance, pop up and attack like something out of ‘Piranha,’ and there ‘s nothing quite like seeing a guy’s head explode into dust after eating the end off a magic hot dog.  ’Leonard Part 6′ is not a film for that ages.  Far from it.  However, it’s hard not to laugh at the ridiculousness of some of the sight gags.

The film has garnered a bit of cult status over the past, few years, and that, really is where this film belongs.  It doesn’t belong with some of the truly awful movies in history.  It’s not good, but it’s just fun enough that it shouldn’t be among the worst 100 films in history.   Hell, it’s not even the worst movie starring/featuring Bill Cosby.   Anyone remember ‘Meteor Man’ or ‘Ghost Dad’?

It certainly doesn’t deserve this kind of venom thrown at it:

Lowest of the Low Moments: I’ll be honest.  I wasn’t going to have a “lowest of the low moments” for this film.  I didn’t feel there was anything in this film that was justifiably bad enough to include here.  That was, of course, until I actually sat down to watch the film again.  That was when I “re-discovered” the dance/fight scene.  It’s awful.  It’s a clear trainwreck of ideas.  Luckily, it’s on Youtube.

Enjoy it for yourself:

Will it Ever Get Off the List: At only five movies away, the chances of ‘Leonard Part 6′ gaining freedom from the dreaded Bottom 100 are looking pretty good.   The film continues to gain steam as a cult classic the more years that go by.   More and more people are seeing it, and a lot of them don’t think it’s as bad as everyone who came before them claims it to be.   I say we are only a year or two away from ‘Leonard Part 6′ getting midnight showings across the country.   If and when that happens, the film’s status as cult classic will be solidified, and probably the biggest blot on Bill Cosby’s career will finally not be so dark.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘King of the Lost World’

Release Date: December 13, 2005

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 7/15/2009): # 90 (based on 986 votes)

Why it’s Here: Is it any surprise a film from The Asylum would end up on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list? The film is “based” on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic adventure-fantasy novel. The story follows four survivors of a plane that crashes in a remote jungle who must trek through the unknown thickets and terrain to reach the cockpit of the destroyed plane with hopes that the radio still functions. Along their journey, they discover the hidden truth of this lost world that time forgot and the endless dangers that inhabit these deadly jungles.

Sounds cool, right? Ah, but if it were, it wouldn’t be featured on Humpday Horribleness, now would it? ‘King of the Lost World’ was directed by Leigh Scott, something of a company man for The Asylum, having gone on to direct ‘Pirates of Treasure Island’ and ‘Transmorphers’. He’s also done some work directing Sci-Fi Channel movies. Are you starting to see a trend? It’s like what Vivid and other high-end big(ger) budget adult movie companies do with popular film titles except, without the sex… a la ‘Forest Hump’. Nope. These films are anything but eye candy.

‘King of the Lost World’ stars Bruce Boxleitner (Babylon 5) and Steve Railsback, who in the trailer for ‘King of the Lost World’ is credited as having been in ‘The Devils Rejects’ even though he is uncredited in the film as playing Sheriff Ken Dwyer. The [fake] Kong makes his first appearance in the first ten minutes, taking a poor female crash survivor stuck in a tree for a snack. Enjoy it as best you can, because this is the last time you’ll see [fake] Kong until the very end of the film. Fairly disappointing for a movie that obviously wanted to bank on Peter Jackson’s ‘King Kong’ that released the same year.

Lowest of the Low Moments: While the lowest moments of these movies are generally related to acting, directing or special effects, one of the lowest things about ‘King of the Lost World’ is the audio. Atrocious! I’ve never had such a difficult time listening to a movie in my life. The audio is so up and down, disproportionate to what’s happening in the movie and often nearly inaudible, resulting in my constant need to wear out the volume keys on my remote. Normally if this sort of thing occurs, I flip on the subtitles and just make do… oh, wait, the DVD has no subtitles. Great!

While I’m on a kick with the technical side of the film, I have to take a moment to congratulate the filmmaker’s on having won two very prestigious awards aside from the worst audio… Most Excessive Use of Lame Blue Filter Day-For-Night Photography and also Most Blatant Case of Putting a Fog Machine to Use Every Chance Possible. Depending on how you look at it, the only good thing ‘King of the Lost World’ had going for it were the primitive tribal lesbian cave-women.

Woman: “Oh my God! It’s a snake!”
Man: “No, that’s not a snake.” (He says this so calmly, right before being yanked up off the ground by a killer jungle tree vine.)

The above quote is just one of many examples of the writing/acting collaboration on this film. There’s a reason there are no “memorable quotes” listed on the IMDB page for ‘King of the Lost World’. B-movies are often still fun because they’re so silly, but that silly fun is completely lost when such a bad movie as this takes itself so seriously. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t blame the writer, seeing as I couldn’t freaking hear half of the dialogue to begin with! Sorry audio dudes, but you did a truly lousy job on this one.

Of course, the special FX guys picked up your slack, right? Hmm… I don’t think so. Aside from the lame, and very brief encounters with [fake] Kong, we get a badly rendered CGI giant spider and a brood of equally bad CGI giant scorpions that are apparently mortally afraid of a camera flash. That’s it. Yeah, I know… ‘King of the Lost World’ needs dinosaurs, right? Apparently not, according to The Asylum. However, there are some really cheesy CGI dragons swarming around [fake] Kong at the end, for no apparent reason. Disappointing indeed.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: Sure. “King of the Lost World’ is already pretty low on the list as it is. While the film is far from perfect, in fact… OK, yeah, it’s bad, but it’s no worse than your average run-of-the-mill Sci-Fi Channel Original movie, so long as you can stay awake. So, we’d be seeing tons of these films on the list if they were truly considered bad enough to earn a permanent place in the hall of infamy. Heck, you could take all the Sci-Fi Channel movies and the entire archive collection from The Asylum and have no more room left for others on the IMDB Bottom 100, but that would just be greedy! Long story short, this movie is boring!

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Miss Cast Away’

Release Date: July 26th, 2005

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 7/7/2009): #84 (based on 1260 votes)

Why It’s Here: It actually means something, speaks volumes, in fact, when ones of these “Pop Culture” comedies, as they are called, doesn’t even go into theaters. Crap like ‘Epic Movie,’ ‘Disaster Movie,’ and ‘Dance Flick’ all got theatrical releases, so what’s the problem with something like ‘Miss Cast Away’? It certainly isn’t that it doesn’t spoof enough movies. Just about everything that’s crawled out of the Hollywood mainline in the past 20 years is hit upon in this film. Everything from ‘Jurassic Park’ to ‘Planet of the Apes’ (the remake) to ‘Austin Powers’ is spoofed in increasingly mind-numbing fashion. And it has Eric Roberts. And it has Michael Jackson. Yes, MICHAEL JACKSON! We’ll get to that eventually.

The premise, thin as it may be for all the pop culture references to string themselves along across, centers on a plane full of Miss Galaxy contestants (Miss Mexico, Miss Illinois, Miss Congenial, etc.). Them, along with the two pilots, played by Eric Roberts and Charlie Schlatter, crash land on a deserted island. On this deserted island is a giant dinosaur/pig called Jurassic Pork and Noah’s Ark, of all things. There’s a prophecy in there about Noah’s Ark creating the perfect storm and a group of Apes who have taken over the ship, but by the time that storyline reared its ugly head, interest in this piece of garbage was already way out the window.

You can’t blame ‘Miss Cast Away’ for being any worse than all the other pop culture comedies out there. It’s just as bad. Lines are reenacted from some classic films for no apparent reason other than for sheer familiarity. When the Austin Powers lookalike starts looking for his Mojo, you just know his dog, Mojo, is going to pop up at any second. You think the ghost of Elvis is going to say “Thank you. Thank you very much.”? Wow, you’re a genius. Much like all those other horrible comedies that we’ve been subject to over the past couple of years, ‘Miss Cast Away’ doesn’t even seem to be trying its hand at comedy.

There are a few instances here and there. The group of girls along with the suave pilot played by Roberts all decide to take up smoking in one scene, because they have no faith in being rescued. It’s a setup for a decent sight gag that could have and should have been run with throughout the rest of the film. It’s not. It’s dropped as quick as you can say “next scene.” At one point, Noah, played by the long-absent Stuart Pankin, is seen playing cards with one of the Apes. It’s a scene that is just nonsensical enough to be considered humorous, but all the while you’ll just be thinking to yourself, “I wonder whatever happened to Stuart Pankin.”

By the time Evan Marriott, Joe Millionaire himself, gets eaten by Jurassic Pork, you might be thinking it’s time to call it a day and shut this one off. However, this film has one more surprise up its sleeve.  This comes in the guise of Agent MJ, played by none other than the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson.   Shockingly enough, ‘Miss Cast Away’ was selected for this column before the tragic news came about Michael Jackson’s passing.   Equally shocking is Jackson’s presence in this film altogether.   In an interview with writer/director Bryan Michael Stoller, it was revealed that he and Jackson were friends, and Jackson appeared in the film as a favor.   This is some favor.   Jackson’s performance is so uncomfortable to watch, as it is clearly obvious he doesn’t want to be there.   Of course, it does elicit a few laughs hearing Michael Jackson talking about Noah’s Ark and the impending storm.   Also, you can’t help but smile at Jackson saying “God bless” to Charlie Schlatter.   That’s just a sight I never thought I would see in all my life.

‘Miss Cast Away’ is an awful comedy loaded with pointless pop culture references and some of the absolutely worst computer effects ever put to film. The CGI here makes ‘Mega Shark Vs. Giant Octopus’ look like ‘Terminator 2.’   Yes, it deserves to be on the IMDB bottom 100, but so do most of the other pop culture comedies out there.   This isn’t the worst, but it’s pretty close.

Lowest of the Low Moments: As with most of the movies we’ve covered in this column, this is a difficult section to analyze.   There are so many bad moments in ‘Miss Cast Away,’ so many points where I wanted to turn the movie off and shotgun blast with rock salt my mind’s eye in hopes that I would forget I had ever seen it.   There is one scene, however, that I remember as being completely useless.   I didn’t even get the point of where the comedy was supposed to come from.   At one point, Charlie Schlatter, being the geekier of the two pilots, is up on a cliff looking towards the beach with binoculars.   He spots an overweight man laying on the beach.   Schlatter runs to him.   The man is seemingly dead, and Schlatter, for no apparent reason, begins stealing his shoes.   Schlatter has shoes.   I guess he just liked the overweight guy’s brand better.   Anyway, he gets one shoe off, and the overweight guy, who is clearly not dead, wakes up, stands up and leaves.   That’s it.   End of scene.   Was there a point?   I don’t know.   It’s early enough in the film that I hadn’t started doing other things yet, so it’s pretty clear in my mind.   It’s just pointless.   Much like the rest of the film only more so.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: We can pretty much put a stamp on all of the films that we cover in this column that reads “THIS FILM WILL GET OFF THE IMDB BOTTOM 100 IF, AND ONLY IF, IT EVER ACQUIRED CULT STATUS.”   It worked for ‘Best Worst Movie,’ and I’m sure it will work for so many others.   This one, I’m not so sure.   It is high up on the list, so there only have to be 16 more movies starring the Jonas Brothers to come out before it works its way off.   However, the film is bad enough, and, with the unfortunate passing of Michael Jackson, more people might be seeing it.   I’m sure none of them will be giving it any kind of favorable rating, either.   I think the chances of ‘Miss Cast Away’ getting off the IMDB bottom 100 are pretty slim.   If anything, it will only move down the list the more people that watch it.   Oh, well.   God bless, anyway.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘A*P*E’

Release Date: USA, October 1976

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 7/1/2009): # 12 (based on 962 votes)

Why It’s Here: In a world of cheap knock-offs, this is one of the best… or, worst, depending on how you look at it. This South Korean/USA co-production was written and directed by Paul Leder (‘I Dismember Mama’) is a thing of legend… just, not the kind of legend that gets well-paid repeat business as a filmmaker. After watching this, one truly has to ask themselves… was this film intentionally made so crappy, or were the filmmakers actually under the delusion they were making a reputable motion picture? Then again, I can understand how making a movie centered on a guy in a gorilla suit could be cause for delusions of grandeur.

‘A*P*E’ was also marketed as ‘King Kong’ in 1976, which is amazing they got away with, seeing as the Hollywood remake starring Jeff Bridges and Jessica Lange also released that year. On the other hand, they’ve added in additional genre-bending scenes appropriate to the film’s initially intended audience, such as including a martial arts fight scene. This is done for no apparent reason, except that someone said “hey, wouldn’t it be cool if King Kong interrupts a martial arts fight.” Hey, if the Americans could barely take down King Kong with a squadron of lead-spitting biplanes, surely a group of 8-10 South Korean civilians with spears and flaming arrows can stop him, right?

The filmmakers involved were attempting to thicken their bankroll by making their own King Kong film and ride the financial wave of producer Dino de Laurentis’ remake that same year. Unfortunately for them, the Hollywood remake was a bust on it’s own, making this one even less likely to succeed. Here’s a bit of subtle movie trivia for you… about 30 minutes in ‘A*P*E’ the Hollywood blonde movie star Marylin Baker (Joanna Kerns) is filming a *rape scene. She’s the Faye Wray, Jessica Lange character in this version. Anyway, the director shooting the rape scene is named Dino and is played as a cameo by director Paul Leder. Coincidence, I think not.

Lowest of the Low Moments: Once again, there are endless low moments in ‘A*P*E’ but the low moments are the best parts. From the very beginning of the movie, we’re thrown into one. The giant ape is being transported on a cargo ship under sedation, or so the two slacker guards believe, that is until it rips up through the deck eliciting the response of “Oh, shit” from from one the guards who is such an astonishing actor that this line is delivered completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever. This is immediately followed by the entire ship exploding at mid-sea, just for good measure. And, so begins the epic tale of South Korea’s King Kong.

If you think the movie loses it’s “charm” after this, think again. As King Kong swims back to shore, he’s attacked by a shark… except, this has got to be one helluva big shark. It’s size is relatively accurate next to a normal-sized gorilla, but this is King Kong. When the “size” issue is actually addressed appropriately it results in a slew of poorly rendered forced perspective shots. During an attempt to capture Kong, reinforcements are sent in consisting mostly of paratroopers dropping over Kong’s position. Sorry, last I check a swarm of gnats was annoying, but far from fatal. You see, I found out that ‘A*P*E’ deserves a much larger cult following through my viewing as the entire film is one ridiculous effed-up POS scene after another. For the life of me, I cannot understand how the MST3K guys never did an episode for this film! It’s pure gold!

Side Note: *The fake movie being filmed by Dino the director within ‘A*P*E’ is an odd element to this story. It fits, what with the Marylin (Monroe) character filling the role of the blonde dame that King Kong falls in love with, but both scenes being shot of her before she is captured by King Kong (or, rescued in Kong’s mind) are rape scenes. What’s up with that? Rape had nothing to do with the original movie nor any of the remakes. I suppose you could make the comparison of rape to that of the tribal sacrificing of a virgin on Skull Island, but that’s stretching it a bit, isn’t it?

Will it Ever Get Off the List: No way in Hell will this film ever fall off of the IMDB Bottom 100 List! As much deplorable fun as it is, there’s still no mistaking this for a truly crappy piece of cinematic junk. ‘A*P*E’ is one of those movie that will forever be so bad that it’s good. In fact, if the film does ever get re-released or more widely seen somehow, it may even move up into the Top 10 of the Bottom 100, based solely on a rapid increase of votes. How about this for a project… anyone reading this that is interested in seeing the movie for themselves, and who is savvy enough to have an IMDB account in which they can vote, watch the movie and place your vote and let’s see which way it goes… up or down. (You’ll probably want to place your bets on it hitting the Top 10.)

Here’s the first nine minutes of this hidden gem, in case you can’t find the whole thing. However, here’s a hint… the other nine of a total of 10 parts are available on YouTube as well. The film is also available through Netflix. Good Times!

And, to close out this week’s Humpday Horribleness, here’s one of my favorite scenes from ‘A*P*E’ just for your own amusement and amazement…

If you enjoyed this column, leave us some feedback in the comments section below.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Fist of Fear, Touch of Death’

Release Date: September, 1980

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 6/24/2009): #37 (based on 816 votes)

Why it’s here: Imagine my amazement when I was scouring the IMDB bottom 100 and saw a Bruce Lee film on it. How could this be? Had the voters truly lost their minds on this one?

Of course, after watching the film, I now understand why it is here. Despite the marketing to the contrary, this isn’t a Bruce Lee film. Instead, it is a mockumentary about his life, death, and the martial arts match to determine his successor.

Adolph Caesar plays a TV anchorman who is covering the event. When we first see him, he is talking with martial arts promoter Aaron Banks. Banks believes Lee was murdered with a move called the “touch of death,” which kills the victim three to four weeks after being applied. The “murder” angle of the story goes absolutely nowhere, and you have to wonder why it was included at all.

Caesar talks to various martial arts “greats,” most of whom you’ve surely never even heard of, about Lee and the martial arts displays that are taking place behind them. The in-ring action includes Bill Louie plucking out an opponents eye and tossing it to the crowd, sound effects included.

All of this is spliced with a few interviews with Lee himself that are clearly cut up and dubbed. There are even a few skits involving Fred “The Hammer” Williamson oversleeping and Ron Van Clief foiling an attempted rape in a park. In fact, the film features not one, but two, attempted rapes in a park with one of our martial arts “greats” swooping in to save the day. The second of these features Bill Louie in a Kato get-up. The whole scene is ridiculously disconnected from the rest of the film, not that there’s much cohesion to be found otherwise. It does offer up some laughs as Louie flaunts his nunchuck and throwing star skills. After Louie leaves the scene, someone actually utters the words, “Who was that masked man?”

At one point, Caesar takes us back in time to show us Bruce Lee’s childhood and the life of the martial arts master’s great grandfather. We’ll get to this part of the film in the next section.

All in all, ‘Fist of Fear, Touch of Death’ is an atrocious attempt to bank on the name of a superstar. Matthew Mallinson served as the director on this film, and, if you’ve never heard his name before, it’s because this is the only film he’s ever made. There’s a reason for that.

This film would be one to watch as the cinematic train wreck that it is. It could offer up a number of laughs here and there were it not so painfully insulting to the star it is exploiting. At one point, Williamson talks to Caesar about how a match to determine Bruce Lee’s successor is an insult to Bruce Lee. Never mind the fact that the entire film is an insult to Bruce Lee.

Lowest of the low moments: This film is loaded with low moments, but the film nosedives into a mountainside through the middle segment where we are shown the “Bruce Lee Story.” Taking the ‘What’s Up, Tiger Lily?’ approach and dubbing English over found footage, this section depicts a young Bruce Lee who is “karate crazy” and whose family disregards his desire to go into the martial arts. These scenes incorporate Lee as a child on the TV show “Longstreet” and then his early performance in the film, ‘Thunderstorm.’

These scenes of Lee’s childhood play out like a God awful, black and white soap opera. The voice chosen for Lee is that of a whiny kid, and it almost makes you forget the idiocy of what is going on narratively. Almost.

This flashback segment also flashes back itself to show us Lee’s ancestor. According to this film, Lee’s great-grandfather was a…wait for it…Samurai warrior. If that doesn’t sound strange to you, it’s because you aren’t realizing that Bruce Lee is Chinese and Samurai are strictly Japanese. The scenes showing Lee’s Samurai ancestor are taken from the 1971 Samurai film, ‘Invincible Super Chan.’ These scenes actually don’t look all that bad, but none of that credit goes to the makers of this film. Instead, the nature of these scenes sucks whatever life ‘Invincible Super Chan’ had in it to begin with.

Will it ever get off the list: There is very little chance that ‘Fist of Fear, Touch of Death’ will ever get out of the IMDB bottom 100, nor should it. Its current position at 37 is a long way away from the top, and the film is nearly 30 years old. Three decades of pissing off fans of martial arts films is something you never want to do, and that is exactly what this film has done ever since it first came out. Not only is it insulting, not only is it horribly put together, it is downright boring. No level of cult status is ever going to help this film get off this list, and I, for one, have absolutely no problem with that.

Title: ‘Chairman of the Board’

Release Date: March 13th, 1998

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 6/17/2009): 100 (based on 2,762 votes)

Why It’s Here: Well Scott “Carrot Top” Thompson was at the height of his comedy career and they thought it would transfer pretty well to a feature full length movie… it didn’t. He plays Edison(seriously?) in the film, a surfer/inventor who gets to become “chairman” of a company when the previous owner kicks the bucket. The film features perpetual jackass Larry Miller as the jackass nephew who tries to ruin Edison so he loses all his shares and he will then get the company.

The film was directed/written by Alex Zamm who also owns these movies to his credit: ‘Dr. Dolittle: Million Dollar Mutts’, and ‘Inspector Gadget 2′. Needless to say he is somehow still making horrible movies sort of along the lines of Uwe Boll.

The film had a budget of $10,000,000 but only made $306,710 which makes it one of the biggest box office bombs ever. Also, Michael J. Nelson from MST3k named this the 5th worst comedy of all time!

The title is bad enough, they tried to do a pun off the fact that he is a surfer that becomes the head of a company but check out the trailer for yet more explanation as to why the movie is on the list:

Lowest of the Low Moments: Its difficult to find one part of the movie to single out as the worst but I would definitely have to go with Carrot Top making out with Courtney Thorne-Smith, thats a freaking travesty! I had a monster crush on Courtney Throne-Smith because of Ally McBeal and ‘Summer School’ and it saddened my heart to see her making out with Mr Top himself.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: Actually, despite how bad it is, its currently sitting pretty at #100, which means as soon as another “Movie” movie comes out this will probably fall off and Carrot Top can then finally make his climb back to the top. Well maybe that last part isn’t completely true, but we all love Carrot Top!

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Hobgoblins’

Release Date: July 14th, 1988

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 6/10/2009): 26 (based on 4,196 votes)

Why It’s Here: Director Rick Sloane has done a little bit of everything in the movie-making biz, from writing to producing, editing to cinematography, visual effects and even a little composing. All of this on just 14 films since 1984 when he made ‘Movie House Massacre’. He’s probably best known for his epic six-part ‘Vice Academy’ film franchise (that’s a joke, see) but his swan song certainly has to be ‘Hobgoblins’.

There has to be something said about the appeal of   ‘Hobgoblins’ which, believe it or not, spawned a sequel in 2008. Sloane clearly isn’t trying to make an art house flick or a cerebral mind screw of a movie. The DVD opens at Fred Olen Ray’s Drive-In Theater which is apparently staffed completely by well-endowed bikini-clad hotties who take your money upon entry and give guys a special “sneak peek” if the tip is good. The tag at the beginning breaks away to director Sloane in his car watching a drive-in movie. Sloane starts in on a brief history of drive-in movies, then gives his version of a Hitchcock-style introduction to his own movie.

‘Hobgoblins’ actually isn’t a difficult movie to watch. Sure, it’s cheesy and the acting sucks, but that’s all part of the appeal. To me, a truly “bad” movie needs to be difficult, if not painful to watch, but watching ‘Hobgoblins’ is actually kind of fun. The reason ‘Hobgoblins’ is on the IMDB Bottom 100 list is clear. Not one thing about the movie can be described as being “done well”. Many films on the list are so bad they would lead most to turn the channel or demand a refund, but for the few movies like ‘Hobgoblins’ their failure becomes their success.

What? Oh, you want to know why I haven’t talked about the creatures themselves? The truth is they don’t even show up until 29 minutes and 30 seconds into the movie and, despite being low budget puppets, are actually kind of cool, in a cheesy sort of way. The little critters tap into your mind and make your most desirable fantasies come true, but it’ll cost you. [Think 'Wishmaster' meets 'Gremlins'] The real question is, why was McCreedy hiding these little green trouble-makers in the film vault? This is all explained, but you’ll have to watch to find out the secret and story behind the Hobgoblins.

Lowest of the Low Moments: The low moments in ‘Hobgoblins’ are more like small moments of extra cheese peppered randomly throughout this stinker. The story kicks off as aging security guard McCreedy (Jeffrey Sullivan) attempts to keep his newly hired guards in training from exploring inside the film vault housed inside the abandoned movie studio they are hired to keep watch over. The first new hire we meet manages to fall off a rock & roll stage to his death in mid performance after entering the restricted film vault. Kevin (Tom Bartlett) becomes his new replacement. What on Earth could possibly be in there?

Another great example of low moments that actually make the movie ridiculously enjoyable is when Kyle steps away and asks to use Kevin’s phone to call his “girlfriend” but actually calls a sex line 976-SCAG. When Kevin walks in on him, he asks if he’s calling a sex line and Kyle nervously denies it as Kevin finds himself confused with why he keeps having to dispute phone sex charges on his bill every month.

‘Hobgoblins’ is filled with moments that just make you shake your head in disbelief, like when Nick falls on a live grenade to save the others and when the grenade goes off, we hear a BOOM sound effect and then see Nick flailing around screaming, covered in flames, but still has all his limbs. Or, when a punk trespasser return to the studio lot to pick a nunchuck fight with Kevin, which has a purpose but is just so funny in it’s execution.

One of the more infamous low moments from ‘Hobgoblins’ is when Army-friend Nick takes Kevin out on the lawn to teach him how to fight with gardening implements. The scene is constructed by Sloane to be a tense fight scene but ends up being an elongated laughter-producing low moment, immortalized by the MST3K crew. Watch them tear it apart below:

Will it Ever Get Off the List: It’s unlikely ‘Hobgoblins’ will ever make it off the list. Sure, it’s got a big cult following but it’s still really bad and deserves to be on the list. The fact that ‘Hobgoblins’ has become one of the most popular episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is probably it’s only hope for rising above the list, but I think that’s part of the appeal. The more people exposed to this film, especially through MST3k, the more it will be relegated to the depths of cinematic shame by it’s fans. It’s a double-edged sword, being supportive fans of bad movies because they are bad. ‘Hobgoblins’ was made in 1988 and is VERY 80′s which is another reason it will probably remain on the IMDB Bottom 100 list for years to come… it has good company from the decade. ‘Hobgoblins’ is merely one of 17 films from the 1980′s to appear on the list.

I’ll close this week’s Hump Day Horribleness with a special treat. Here’s that transcript of the final phone call between Kyle and his “girlfriend” at 976-SCAG (played by Tamara Clatterbuck) for your enjoyment…

Fantazia: Hi. It’s me, Fantazia. Thanks for calling. I need a new house pet to impress my friends. Now hurry before the zookeeper comes. Help me hide this iguana on my body.

Fantazia (as zookeeper): [covers her mouth to stand masculine] Uh, can I help you miss?

Fantazia: Oh, yes Mr. Beastmaster. Something just crawled up my leg. Oh, see if you can find it.

Fantazia (as zookeeper): I think you better come back to my office with me.

Fantazia: Now, wait a minute. Are you sure your office is in the baboon pit?

[Kyle holds the phone closer to his ear with a look of pure ecstacy on his face while a Hobgoblin sneaks up behind him.]

Fantazia: Uh, Mr. Zookeeper… what do you think you’re doing? This isn’t the childrens petting zoo.

Fantazia (as zookeeper): I have a new house pet for you, miss. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Fantazia: Oh, Mr. Zookeeper. I could never take a cockatoo that size.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Santa With Muscles’

Release Date: November 8th, 1996

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 6/2/2009): 84 (based on 5888 votes)

Why It’s Here: Let’s be blunt for a moment.   This movie shouldn’t be on this list.   Granted, it’s #84, which isn’t the lowest of the low, but the fact that this film is on this list at any number is head-shaking.   To note, ‘Santa With Muscles’ is anything but a good movie.   It’s lame.   It’s trivial.   It’s much of what sent these low-rent, kids comedies of the mid to late ’90s straight to the VHS/DVD racks.   But, is it really 84 movies out from being dubbed the worst film of all time?   Certainly not.

The story is nothing to call the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences about.   Hulk Hogan plays a millionaire weight lifter who, after running from the cops because of reckless driving, gets amnesia, gets mistaken for Santa Clause, and, inadvertently, saves an orphanage from an evil scientist.   Ed Begley, Jr. plays said evil scientist.   Garrett Morris pops up as the janitor of the orphanage.   A young Mila Kunis plays one of the children.   Even Ed Leslie (AKA Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake) makes a brief appearance as a Sumo Lab Assistant, the only Sumo anything I’ve ever seen with six-pack abs.

Hogan is dreadful as usual.   This isn’t the seemingly tough Hogan of the mid-80s.   This is this Hogan:

Of course, for all its misgivings, horrid fight scenes, and ridiculously lame attempts at injecting something Christmas in every line of dialogue, ‘Santa With Muscles’ isn’t the worst of the worst.   Hell, it’s not even the worst movie featuring a wrestler.   It’s not even the worst movie starring Hulk Hogan.   How specific can we get?   This isn’t even the worst Christmas-themed movie starring a professional wrestler.   It seems its on this list, because A. it’s not a good movie and B. the title is excruciating.

Lowest of the Low Moments: The worst moment in this film comes at the end of a fight scene that, believe it or not, actually shows some talent from director John Murlowski.   Either that or he just had a dolly and a crane for one day and decided to pack all those shots into one.   The fight scene is fine, but it’s what happens to Hogan and a, seemingly innocent, Santa statue at the end.

Just see for yourself.   Jump to the 1:00 mark for the atrocity:

Will it Ever Get Off the List: It should, though it might not.   Even though it is pretty high on the list, it’s been out for 13 years.  Two possibilities arise here.  It could drop off the list if, in the next couple of years, it garners some type of cult status a la ‘Troll 2.’  It could also drop off the list if John Cena decides to do about 15 more movies.  Unless either of these two scenarios occur, it’s looking like ‘Santa With Muscles’ is here to stay.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2′

Release Date: August 27, 2004

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 5/27/2009): #4 (based on 8,052 votes)

Why It’s Here: When first viewing this movie, you may wonder why it’s even on the IMDB Bottom 100 list. It’s a kid’s movie, so a certain level of schlock is expected, and it even sort of resembles a earlier, less cool, lower budget ‘Spy Kids’ kind of idea during the introductory 5-10 minutes. Unfortunately, once the story of the Kahuna (the ultimate superbaby) and Biscane (Jon Voight) begins, it’s all downhill from here. Voight is actually sort of fun (in a horrible way) as a cheesy German master-villain that oddly reminds me of an elderly Rutger Hauer. I’m almost ashamed to admit that, but sometimes the truth hurts.

Venturing further into the movie, it becomes clearly evident that ‘Superbabies’ is all premise with greatly under-achieved execution with laughable special effects. The fight scenes are thrown-together with half-ass wire work and shamefully employ puns older than Bob Barker’s belly button lint. The movie’s physical comedy consists of gags worn out in the silent era or stolen directly from The Three Stooges. The dialogue is painfully bad, even for a kid’s flick, but there are some irresistibly enjoyable lines of dialogue made humorous only by the fact they were uttered by veteran actor Jon Voight.

Lowest of the Low Moments: The movie runs fairly consistent when it comes to low moments. No scene stands out as especially bogus over the others, but ‘Superbabies’ does have on incredibly low moment that only appears before and after the movie proper… it’s the director’s credit. ‘Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2′ as well as it’s predecessor was directed by Bob Clark. A relatively common, unfamiliar name, but for we movie geeks who grew up in the 70′s and 80′s it’s a name that has a nostalgic vibration.

Mr. Clark gave the world my all-time favorite Christmas movie called ‘A Christmas Story’. Aside from this holiday classic, Clark gave us a couple other classics including the horror movies ‘Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things’ and ‘Black Christmas’ and we can’t forget he brought us the first two ‘Porkys’ films. Unfortunately, after ‘A Christmas Story’ Clark made the regretful Sylvester Stallone/Dolly Parton disaster ‘Rhinestone’ and he never really recovered after that. To see a filmmaker so inclined with great genre sensibilities take a long and lethal nose dive into a tiny bucket of sour lime juice simply breaks my heart. Then again, we can’t all be Stanley Kubrick.

Will it Ever Get Off the List: It’s my opinion that, while ‘Superbabies’ is an awful movie, it doesn’t seem to deserve being nearly so high (or low, perhaps) on the IMDB Bottom 100 list. What I attempted to keep in mind while watching the movie was that it is primarily a kid’s movie, after all and that has to play into it’s rating. So, given that [at least] 99.9% of users on IMDB are adults, it doesn’t make for a very unbiased sampling of the film’s target audience. With that said, I highly doubt this will ever make it off the list altogether, but I feel in time may squirm it’s way into a higher-numbers spot on the list and see it’s infamous notoriety as #4 begin to dwindle.

This YouTube video pretty much sums up everything you need to know…

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’

Release Date: November 5, 1966

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 5/19/2009): #7 (based on 18,283 votes)

Why it’s here: One thing you will have to learn, as I learned in looking at potential films to discuss in this column, is that most of the worst movies ever made have been covered by the Mystery Science Theater 3000 people.   Joel Robinson and the gang have an uncanny knack for making any crap-laden piece of cinema almost watchable.   Almost.   There are certain cases, however, that not even MST3K can better.

‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ is one of those instances.

Harold P. Warren was a fertilizer salesman from El Paso, TX who had a dream.   Okay, maybe he didn’t exactly have a dream, but he didn’t think it was a big deal to make movies.   Thus, a bet was put in place.   Warren bet a screenwriting friend that he could self-finance, write and direct a feature film.   $19,000 later, ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ was born, and the film is complete travesty.   It’s the kind of film that seems to meander in a dream-like haze of horrid.   It goes nowhere.   Watching the actors and actresses stumble over their lines of dialogue is horrendous.   Certain aspects of the film, such as the acting by one John Reynolds, is downright cringe-inducing.

The film tells the story of a couple and their small daughter who get lost while driving cross country.   They stumble upon a small shack where a crazy man named Torgo (Reynolds, in all his horrible glory) keeps spouting out dialogue about The Master.   The Master, of course, is the leader of a group of devil-worshippers, and he has certain plans for the couple and their daughter.

‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ is unwatchable, a menagerie of pointless scenes and meaningless characters.   One woman was cast in the film only to have her leg broke early in production.   Her character was rewritten so that, now, she just sits in a car making out with her boyfriend.   It’s a character we go back to a few times, and it provides nothing to the overall film.   Most of Torgo’s screen time is spent with the character walking from one end of the frame to the other.

The Master, played with drastically over-the-top staginess by Tom Neyman, looks like Freddie Mercury in a red and black cape.   Honestly, if there is any saving grave in ‘Manos,’ it is the acting by Neyman who seems to damn the ideologies that less is more.   ‘Manos’ is a rotten ham, and Neyman is the hammiest of all.

Lowest of the low moments: The Master has eight wives who can never seem to agree about anything.   They bicker about whether or not to kill the mother of the couple, and, in the film’s lowest moment, the arguing actually turns into a half-assed cat-fight.   On paper, this would probably have been viewed as one of the film’s better moments, but its execution is atrocious.   GLOW (Glorious Ladies of Wrestling) had better choreographed fighting than this.

Will it ever get off the list: You bet your ass it won’t.   This movie has been around for more than 40 years, and it is still consistently in the bottom 10.   It might actually move up and down the list, but, unless Uwe Boll becomes the next Woody Allen (in terms of his prolific nature, that is), there will never be enough, bad movies to knock ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ off the bottom list.   It is here to stay, and it deserves to stay.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Laserblast’

Release Date: March 1, 1978

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 5/13/2009): #96 (based on 1,833 votes)

Why it’s here: To be honest, it kind of broke my heart a little when I saw this movie on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list, even if it does technically deserve to be. You see, while he didn’t direct this movie, Charles Band did produce ‘Laserblast’ and Band is a bit of a childhood hero of mine. One of the busiest dudes in the filmmaking biz, Band has either directed and/or produced over 230 movies in the sci-fi and horror genres. So, at least I can say this one only “barely” made the list at #96.

‘Laserblast’ is about a teenage boy named Billy Duncan (Kim Milford) who, according to his girlfriend Kathy (Cheryl Smith), is not an ordinary person. Billy is something of an outcast in his small, rural town and is constantly being harassed by the local cops and two bullies, a douche-bag named Chuck and his nerdy glasses-wearing sidekick called Frog.

One day, Billy is “messing around” out in the desert and stumbles upon an odd-looking laser cannon that is worn on your arm. Once Billy figures out how to use the alien gun, he slowly becomes a raging maniac. The laser gun only works while the user wears a large amulet around their neck. However, this amulet turns the user into a mindless green creature like the Hulk without the super-strength that jumps and flails around like a mad ape.

This movie makes the list for some very obvious reasons, including the production quality and the writing, but especially the acting, which is atrocious. However, I realized fairly early in the film that it’s a bittersweet honor for this movie to be listed on IMDB’s Bottom 100 list. Much of the cheese-factor can be written-off and tolerated as a direct result of the era in which the film was made. Perhaps the most deserving blame for ‘Laserblast’ making this list is the writing.

The movie begins with a raging green human blasting away as the stop-motion animated aliens (who sound like Ernie from ‘Sesame Street’ crossed with Charlie Brown’s teacher) return to Earth to stop the human. Once they vaporize him (not Billy in this scene) they just leave the laser gun and the amulet laying in the desert and fly away in their spaceship. Which is it? Do you want the humans to have the damn gun, or not?

It’s the insanely stupid plot flops like this, along with the anti-acting, that ruin ‘Laserblast’. The first time we meet Kathy’s crazy grandfather, he’s rambling incoherently about some secret mission and conspiracies against him, but later on he appears quite normal and just happens to know the much younger FBI agent Craig who is in town investigating “something” that is never revealed nor serves any purpose in moving the story along.

Lowest of the low moments: There are several equally low moments in this movie. From the idiot rural cops who smoke weed on the job that they confiscated from local teens, to the mysterious FBI agent that shows up with Dirty Harry’s haircut, wearing his wardrobe and just trying hopelessly to be Dirty Harry in general, ‘Laserblast’ certainly has it’s unfortunate moments of cinematic lameness. One of my favorite low moments is early in the film when Billy’s mom tells him she is going to Acapulco again (and we never see her again) and Billy’s reaction speaks for itself:

BILLY: “Mom. (whining) You’ve already been to Acapulco. How many times do you want to go to Acapulco?”

Seriously, dude. Who wouldn’t want to go to Acapulco multiple times? What’s wrong with you? The lowest of the low moments however, is the ending which I’ll explain below.

!!! Warning !!! SPOILER Below!

>> While the Raging Green version of Billy is having a good ole time blowing things up in town, he manages to stumble upon Agent Craig’s black sedan parked on the curb. Both Agent Craig and Billy’s girlfriend Kathy are sitting in the car, but Billy just stands there staring at them instead of blowing them away with his laser gun. Suddenly, a massive red laser beam pummels Billy for literally 20 seconds before he collapses and the alien, standing atop a building across the street with his spaceship hovering close overhead, turns and leaves. In response to this shocking event, Agent Craig and Kathy casually exit the car and calmly approaches Billy’s dead body on the street. Without crying or screaming, Kathy kneels to the ground and lays her head on Billy’s chest… and, the credits roll. WTF? Did they not see the the alien blast him right in front of their eyes and then fly away in a spaceship, or… is this just something that happens a lot in this little town and they’re used to the occurrence? Good grief! <<

Will it ever get off the list: Given some time, I actually have faith that ‘Laserblast’ will eventually fall off IMDB’s Bottom 100 list and become more of the cult classic “bad movie” that it really deserves to be. The fact that it’s only barely on the list helps to encourage that possibility as well. During Billy’s marathon of destruction, he obliterates five vehicles, three buildings, a post office drop box and a billboard advertising the new ‘Star Wars’ movie that came out the year before this movie was made. Now, that’s funny! Personally, I believe the title should be changed to ‘Laserblast: or, How I Found an Alien Laser Cannon and Learned to Blow Shit Up‘… now, that would certainly boost this movie enough to drop off IMDB’s Bottom 100 list!

Enjoy this clip from ‘Laserblast’ with the MST3K crew adding their trademark commentary…

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘House of the Dead’

Release Date: October 10, 2003

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 4/29/2009): #85 (based on 18,953 votes)

Why it’s here: The question shouldn’t really be why is this movie. Â  The real question should be, why aren’t more Uwe Boll films here? Â  The man has a built-in hatred amongst the film world. Â  Hell, I think my mother even knows Uwe Boll’s name based simply on how much hatred there is out there for the man. Â  ’House of the Dead,’ while not his first film (that would be the seldom seen, but instantly sought after ‘German Fried Movie’ in 1991), was his introduction to most American filmgoers.

Many fans of the video game from which the movie is based were eagerly awaiting to see if the film even came close to expectations. Â  Boy, were they shocked by what they saw.

The acting is horrid, but that’s really not saying much when you consider the most notable thespians in the bunch are Jurgen Prochnow (who, I think, lost all credibility the moment his arms were ripped off in ‘Judge Dredd), Ellie Cornell, and Clint Howard. Â  Seriously, Howard was in a theatrical release, and the director wasn’t Ron Howard. Â  Go figure. Â  I’m not going to rip into Cornell too hard, because she seriously seems to be the only one of the bunch who is trying to make an effort in any way. Â  Of course, we get her hacked up pretty early. Â  I think the director felt she was trying to upstage him or something.

The screenplay is nonexistent. Â  Basically, they’re just making it up as they go along, with General Boll sounding the charge. Â  Three different people worked on the screenplay, and two of them haven’t written anything since. Â  Mark A. Altman, the only one of them to have a writing career post-’House of the Dead,’ followed up the trainwreck with a few more straight-to-DVD horror flicks including ‘House of the Dead 2.’ Â  Hey, at least he’s earning a paycheck, though, right?

Back to ‘House of the Dead.’ Â  It clearly is a trash film, and it’s reasoning for being on this IMDB bottom 100 grows from a much deeper hatred people have for Boll as a person. Â  Sure, he makes horrible films, but there are countless other films out there that deserve to be amongst the 100 worst films of all time more than ‘House of the Dead.’ Â  Boll’s other should-be embarrassments, ‘Alone in the Dark’ and ‘Bloodrayne,’ deserve their place on this list more than ‘House of the Dead.’ Â  Regardless, this was Boll’s first, mainstream, American endeavor, so it holds its place on the list as a holding pin for Boll’s career as a whole.

Lowest of the low moments: Despite it’s horrid acting and near ludicrous screenplay, the absolute worst moment from ‘House of the Dead’ is this scene right here:

Words can’t describe the amount of trainwreck filmmaking that went into that scene, which brought the film’s running time from 83 minutes all the way up to 90. Â  Glorious.

Will it ever get off the list: While it may appear that ‘House of the Dead’s days of being amongst the worst films of all time are numbered, it might hold its position for a long time. Â  It is currently at number 85, but that is with nearly19,000 votes, and the number of 10s it’s getting don’t seem to be multiplying any day soon. Â  Unless, years down the line, it garners some kind of ‘Troll 2′ cult status, I’m gonna say ‘House of the Dead’ is going to be on the Bottom 100 list for quite a while.

One of the great features over at the Internet Movie Database is the Bottom 100. Based on ratings viewers of the site give to various films, the worst of the worst films get put on this list. Some of them are on and off in a matter of days. Others stick around for the long haul, showing just how much suckage they truly emit.

It’s time to look at these movies and determine where they stand. Do they deserve to be on the Bottom 100 list? Are they not as bad as everyone says? Will they be off the list any time soon?

Here’s the breakdown for this week’s film:

Title: ‘Zombie Nation’

Release Date: October 5, 2004 (DVD: 12/06/2006)

Ranking on Bottom 100 (as of 4/22/2009): #23 (based on 3,381 votes)

Why it’s here: Let me just begin to answer this question by stating that the only Uwe Boll film that is currently on the IMDB Bottom 100 List is ‘House of the Dead’ and it’s all the way down at #85! So, this should say something for fellow German schlock-auteur Ulli Lommel’s ‘Zombie Nation’. I believe a “Wow!” is in order, here.

The general idea behind ‘Zombie Nation’ is to bring the serial killer and zombie genres together in one movie. Officer Joe Singer is a mentally disturbed police officer who is secretly a serial killer on the side, but finds himself facing his victims in an unexpected turn of events when they rise from the dead to exact revenge. From the plethora of faults and flaws that combine to form the train wreck that is ‘Zombie Nation’ I’ve managed to conclude that two primary factors play into this movie’s place in the hall of shame and they both have to do with expectations.

1. ‘Zombie Nation’ is supposed to be a zombie horror flick. The key word here is “supposed” as viewer expectations are geared towards seeing a scary (or, at least attempted) movie with zombies, but the marketing for this film is textbook false advertising. First of all, the so-called zombies in ‘Zombie Nation’ don’t even make their first appearance until about 50 minutes into the movie. The first zombie is the result of a voodoo ritual on a living woman that is intended to turn her is she should happen to be killed by the bad cop/serial killer Joe Singer.

Questionable plot aside, the important thing here are the zombies, and believe me, using that beloved terminology here is difficult. The zombie chicks walk, talk and think just like humans, have desires and emotions and yes, I kid you not, they apparently eat cheeseburgers to survive… when not feasting on humans. To make matters worse, the special effects are virtually absent as the only thing signifying these women are now zombies is an explosion of mascara around their eyes. Genre fans expect filmmakers to treat the zombie lore respectfully, as we discovered when many fans were upset by the sudden onset of super-fast, raging zombies in movies like ’28 Days Later’, etc. But, what about the DVD cover art, you ask? HA! Don’t be misled by that illusion. It might as well be from an entirely different movie because it has no place housing this DVD.

2. I found myself checking my remote to make sure I had my television’s input set to DVD and not cable, because ‘Zombie Nation’ had me thinking I was watching some late night Skin-e-max movie, except the soft-core sex scenes never happen… just the terribly bad acting and cheesy dialogue. Really, where’s the payoff? The entire movie is shot like this and just feels really lame, not scary or cool or even funny, assuming you would try and stretch this to be a comedy. I had mentioned Uwe Boll earlier and there is one crucial difference between Boll and Lommel. Uwe Boll’s movies may be bad, but at least he understands the importance of production quality and what that means. Lommel apparently missed that class at Ed Wood University because there are no signs in ‘Zombie Nation’ that he has any idea of what he’s doing.

Lowest of the low moments: Golly gee, there are so many. In fact, is it possible for a movie to be made entirely of low moments? Oh, fine. If I have to pick just one it would have to be the first truly, unforgivably disastrous scene in the movie when Officer Joe Singer kills his first innocent woman. Why is it so bad? He is riding with his partner (a good cop) in an unmarked cruiser when he pulls the woman over, proceeds to verbally abuse her and then forces her out of the car, into the police car and drives her to a secluded warehouse, tells his partner to wait in the car and practically drags the woman into the warehouse. OK, nothing abnormal here. Then, after a relatively suspicious wait, Singer’s partner watches him exit the warehouse without the girl but now carrying a large black duffel bag, dumps it into the trunk of their cruiser and drives off. Singer’s partner innocently asks where the girl is and he says he let her go and his partner doesn’t find ANY of this worrisome? WTF? My friends, it only goes down hill from here.

Will it ever get off the list: While it seems unlikely it will ever leave the list, ‘Zombie Nation’ was practically a direct-to-DVD movie and less than 5,000 people have voted on it on IMDB. In other words, this isn’t nearly as well-known a movie as many of the titles on the IMDB Bottom 100 List and given time, may find itself released early on parole due solely to the fact that other more widely seen crappy movies will likely nudge it slowly to the bottom until it falls off onto the floor to bne forgotten with the dust bunnies and moldy Cheerios.