Not many people have heard of this film, but those that have remember it fondly… as one WEIRD CHILDREN’S MOVIE!

As a little girl one of my favorite dolls was my Hugga Bunch doll. So, you can imagine my joy when my mom brought home a VHS copy of THE HUGGA BUNCH, a puppet filled bonanza of craziness! Keep in mind that this was 1985. FYI, my doll was not this terrifying!

THE HUGGA BUNCH is the story of Bridget, a polite young girl trying to save her grandmother from moving to a retirement community and out of her house. After all, Grams is the only one in her family that gives her hugs. Her brother Andrew is way too into baseball to hug, and her parents are always busy with work. The only way for her to keep Grams in the house is to travel to HuggaLand and obtain the youngberries from the youngberry tree. She can’t do this without her pal Huggins, who also loves to hug.

Along the way she meets a slue of characters, from Huggins friends, to an patchwork elephant named Hodge Podge, who she saves by hugging him. She learns from the book worm that the only youngberry tree belongs to the evil queen. Now, Bridget must sneak inside the castle and steal some youngberries to stop her grandmother from aging and keep her living in their house.

Let’s see… all of the problems in this story are solved by hugging? Was this the pilot for Full House???

The puppets in this film were just plain creepy! Although Huggins and her friends were all identical to the dolls, they barely blinked and didn’t have much mobility, with the exception of bouncing and weird head bobbing. Imagine blank stares and slight head tilts as the only form of communication. Awkward! Whenever someone would hug, some techno failure of a melody would play, which was reminiscent to a tune that could play before things go horribly wrong in a horror film. Then, add a big headed doll popping out of the mirror and talking to you. Heck, even Bridget was scared! The whole land is made up of pillows and squishy stuff, like one giant hug… or Michael Jackson’s bedroom. (Too soon?) The background was clearly painted with just some props up front, and you never see the hug-people walk with their feet on the ground. If you do see them move, it is scary! Way to give children nightmares!

Let’s talk acting, as in, the acting in this movie was awful! It both looks and sounds like they chose the worst actors from their local community drama workshop and filled the parts with them. The only actor worse than the Gennie James who plays Bridget is Aarika Wells who plays Queen Admira. She is just plain OVER THE TOP in her role. It is so bad that it is just plain entertaining to watch!

Sidenote: This film gets extra points for putting a St. Louis Cardinals hat on Huggins! GO BIRDS!

All of these horrible features make for a highly entertaining movie. As a child I loved it simply because I saw my doll come to life (In a scary, frozen sort of way!), and now I can appreciate the horrendous, disturbing, and all together strange nature of the whole thing!

If you can manage to find a copy… I highly recommend watching it! I just hope one day that I find out that there really is a youngberry tree!!!

I will leave you with a sample of the film… you’re welcome.

‘Cherry 2000′ (1987) was an ambitious and stylistic attempt to capitalize on the ‘Mad Max’ market. The seemingly now-retired Melanie Griffith was at that time pretty hot. She plays Edith “E” Johnson, a female tracker in a rough and rugged man’s profession of for-hire guides that “find stuff” in the lawless desert region called “The Zone”.

“E” is hired by corporate business man Sam Treadwell, played by David Andrews, to locate and secure a replacement chassis for his Cherry 2000 (played by Pamela Gidley). A Cherry 2000 is an extremely life-like robot designed for intimate companionship. Sam saved the chip from his Cherry after it was rendered defunct from improper foreplay on a wet kitchen floor. Zap! Crack! Boom! Water and electricity don’t mix, duh? Sam soon realizes just how rare and valuable his Cherry 2000 was once he goes to see if she can be fixed. The current models are sub par and low-quality, but it’s more than that to Sam. He actually thinks he loves Cherry, even though she’s a robot.

After a short-lived quarrel with “E” and whether she’s capable of handling the task at hand, Sam agrees to hire her when he realizes the male trackers are more likely to steal his Cherry chip for themselves and leave Sam for dead than actually follow through with their end of the bargain. The two unlikely partners set out into “The Zone” on an adventure with several parallels not only to ‘Mad Max’ but also reminiscent to ‘Blade Runner’ and ‘A Boy and His Dog’.

The two rebel searchers roar through “The Zone” in E’s vintage 1960′s red Ford Mustang with over-sized wheels while being chased by Lester, the man in charge and leader of the self-proclaimed authority of Zone 7 where E and Sam must travel to find the new body for his Cherry 2000. Lester is played by b-movie legend Tim Thomerson (Trancers) who adds a lot of fun to this film. Lester is a sensitive but dangerous warlord of sorts who is obsessed with health and fitness. He and his goons wear Hawaiian shirts and stick to a rigorous diet and exercise routine. Anyone who questions him or his methods finds themselves up close and personal with the business end of his six-shooter.

Yeah, that’s Laurence Fishburne playing a futuristic lawyer/pimp at the Glu Glu Club, a night club where men go to arrange intimate business transactions with sexually professional women.

Davis Andrews has a sort of Don Johnson thing going on in ‘Cherry 2000′ which is funny since Griffith had a lengthy relationship with Johnson. With out a second thought, Griffith steals the spotlight in this slightly-cheesy but fun sci-fi cult classic that is an example of a film that does a decent job of borrowing from other films and still feels original.

Legendary character actor and Academy Award-winner (Best Supporting Actor, “The Last Picture Show”) Ben Johnson plays retired tracker and mentor to “E” Six-Fingered Jake. Jake lives in a concrete waterway underneath a dam and cooks rattlesnakes for dinner in his toaster oven. ‘Cherry 2000′ has colorful futuristic sets, vast post-apocalyptic landscapes, big guns, car chases and explosions to boot.

If you can find the DVD, it does have the uncommon presence of a special feature for a DVD released in 2001. The DVD includes a “making of” documentary which is both humorous for it’s 80′s nostalgia and interesting as a look into the making of the movie.

Taglines:

“In the futre, the world has sruvived. Romance has not. Pleasure is strictly business.”

“In The Year 2017, A Good Woman Is Hard To Find. A Cherry 2000 Is Even Harder.”

Steve Guttenberg… How I miss your face on the big screen. He was quite a leading man back in the day! The Boyfriend School aka Don’t Tell Her It’s Me from 1990 is certainly no exception!

Side note… I’m not sure why they decided to change the name, but Don’t Tell Her It’s Me is a much better title. It’s even the chorus of the opening song!

Steve Guttenberg plays Gus, a cartoonist that has gained weight and lost his hair from being ill. His sister, romance novelist Lizzie Potts (Shelley Long) takes it upon herself to get Gus back into the dating world by setting him up on a blind date with Emily (Jami Gertz). Although Emily thinks that Gus is nice, she is just not that physically attracted to him. See… Emily is one of those girls that swears up and down that looks don’t matter, that it’s the person inside that counts. She was proved wrong in this scene, she has no interest or desire in Gus despite the fact that he is an amazing and funny guy. Sadly, Gus falls head over heals for the brunette beauty.

Lizzie decides to transform her lover, using her romance writing knowledge of what women want to transform Gus into the perfect man. He works out, grows his hair back, and takes on the persona of Lobo Marunga, a biker from Australia.

By being romantic, yet mysterious, Lobo wins Emily’s heart. She breaks up with her horrible boyfriend Trout, (Kyle MacLauchlan) just to be with the hunky foreign biker. Being the nice guy that he is, he cannot keep up the lie and must tell her the truth! Will she still love him???

First off, Steve Guttenberg is playing a super hunky foreign guy that is irresistible to women! Does anyone else see the humor in this? Second, Shelley Long as an annoying, meddling sister? Hmm… I could never see her as annoying! LOL Third… STEVE GUTTENBERG IS PLAYING A SUPER HUNKY FOREIGN GUY THAT IS IRRESISTABLE TO WOMEN!!! Game, set, match… well played!

Another funny part about this movie is the character of Lizzie’s daughter Annabelle. Annabelle likes to eat engine oil, bugs, and inhale gas. The best part is Lizzie’s description to Annabelle about how her insides will rot and how she will die a slow, painful death if she continues to eat those things! It’s priceless!

There is also the first scene with Gus as Lobo wearing an all leather and denim outfit! I don’t know about you, but that screams romance! He’s the bad boy with an inner soul, what’s not to love!

Seriously, watch this movie! I promise an awesome night of making fun of Mr. Guttenberg and his attempts at being sexy and sensual!

You know you’re in for a treat when the opening credits begin with “A Topps Chewing Gum Production”… I was as much a devoted fan and purveyor of the classic cult trading cards as the next weird, outcast kid in school, but the fact that they actually made a feature film based on the hobby still astounds me. Garbage Pail Kids were the treasure of many kids back then and likewise, the very same cards were Satan’s very own diabolical creation of pure child corrupting evil to many parents. While little girls were playing with their cute little Cabbage Patch Kids, the boys were sifting through and trading their Garbage Pail Kids cards, laughing at the grossness of the different characters featured on each card.

‘The Garbage Pail Kids Movie’ (1987) is generally categorized in the family/kids section, which… in and of itself is kind of disturbing. For the first time viewer [assuming they could sit through it], the movie may give a slight impression of teaching kids that it doesn’t matter how you look, or whether you’re “different”, it’s what’s inside that counts… well, that’s a stretch. In reality, this is simply a poorly made ridiculous little film that’s filled with gross-out jokes and cheesy special effects.

Directed by Rodney Amateau, whose biggest credit goes to directing 101 episodes of the TV show ‘The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis’, this film ended up being his final swan song. ‘GBKM’ would mark the last film from Rodney Amateau who passed away on June 29, 2003. Having lived a long 80 years, I’ll refrain from picking on the man himself, out of respect for the dead. Instead, I’ll pick apart the movie that single-handily almost destroyed the memories I have of collecting and trading my GPK cards with friends… that is, before I came home from school one day and found they had mysteriously vanished.

‘The Garbage Pail Kids Movie’ begins with Dodger (Mackenzie Astin), a 14 year-old kid who works for a strange man called Captain Manzini, who runs a small antique shop that doesn’t do any business. Manzini (Anthony Newley) is an eccentric middle-aged man who has an obsessive fixation with the “old ways” of magic and spells. He allows Dodger to play with anything in the store, except a nasty old garbage pail that Manzini is very protective of, keeping the lid tightly in place at all times. Dodger has a crush on an older girl named Tangerine, whom he hangs out with when he can. The obstacle for Dodger is that Tangerine’s boyfriend is Juice, the a**hole leader of a gang that is constantly out to make Dodger’s life a living Hell.

One day, Juice and the gang decide to crash the antique store and screw with Dodger. In the commotion, the garbage pail is knocked over, releasing a slimy green goo out onto the floor. Dodger is subsequently beaten and left in a pool of raw sewage by Juice’s gang, but is rescued and returned to the shop by the Garbage Pail Kids. When he awakes, he finds himself surrounded by terribly ugly, yet friendly odd little people. Dodger befriends the Garbage Pail Kids, who end up making him a custom jacket that looks like it came straight out of Michael Jackson’s wardrobe. Being the fashion guru that she is, Tangerine loves the jacket and asks Dodger to make more clothes for her to sell, not realizing the jacket was made by the Garbage Pail Kids.

Dodger convinces the GPKs to make more clothes for Tangerine’s fashion show, but in exchange Dodger and Manzini have to find the GPKs friends who have gone missing. Manzini believes they’ve been captured and put into the State Home for the Ugly. Meanwhile, Juice and the gang are enjoying their new influx of cash from the clothes Tangerine is selling through her manipulation of Dodger’s infatuation with her. During the fashion show, Juice and the gang kidnap the GPKs and turn them over the the State Home for the Ugly. Dodger and Manzini enlist the help of some bikers from a local bar to break them out and they crash the fashion show and get their revenge.

This movie accentuates everything that made the eighties such a disaster. The wardrobes in this movie are embarrassingly accurate, spotlighting the very best of the very worst decade for fashion. The movie is scored with some perfect examples of the music that gives the 80′s a bad name, including two songs from The Beat Farmers. In addition to this, ‘TGPKM’ also feature a couple of musical numbers, I would presume to help it fit into the children’s movie genre. Working With Each Other is performed by the GPKs and gives the impression of a “Sesame Street” educational song meant to teach kids a valuable lesson, but is lost by the fact that it’s performed by some really gross, ugly little weird mutant, alien monster kids.

This brings me to an interesting topic… what are they, exactly? The GPKs are apparently some kind of magical kids that come from what appears to be a normal garbage pail. Manzini struggles to find a way to return them to the pail, but finds that the ingredients for his spell are no longer available in the modern world. Funny, I could of sworn I just saw a sale bill for eye of newt and toe of frog at the local Piggly Wiggly. However, at the beginning of the film during the credits a garbage pail spaceship is featured flying clumsily around Earth’s orbit. Are they aliens, are they mutants, or are they some strange magical creatures? We may never know. What we do know is that ‘The Garbage Pail Kids Movie’ is one of the top Best of the Bad movies from the 80′s… but, you’re really going to need to prepare yourself to get through this one.

Melissa:

“Wanna date?”

Do you like 80′s babes? Science geeks? Watching hookers go crazy for super crack? Then boy do I have a movie for you! (Yes. It was released in 1990 but they are still 80′s babes!).

Directed by Frank Hennenlotter, who gave us the awesomely bad ‘Basket Case’ series, ‘Frankenhooker’ follows the story of Jeffrey Franken (James Lorinz), an electrician/mad scientist/medical student flunky who spends his time conducting odd experiments. The only person who doesn’t find him freakish is his girlfriend Elizabeth Shelley (Patty Mullen), a pretty girl with a bit of a weight problem. When Elizabeth is killed by a freak lawnmower accident, Jeffrey makes it his mission to rebuild her using her leftover head. (Let’s face it, Jeffrey is not exactly a catch! Elizabeth is probably the only woman on the planet to find him remotely attractive!)

One catch though… If Jeffrey’s going to rebuild her, then he’s going to give her the perfect body! Her head is stored in a freezer filled with some sort of preserving formula, only to bring it out for romantic candlelit dinners and meaningful conversations until he devises a plan.

Hmmm… Now where can he find body parts for the perfect woman?

I know! Hookers! Let’s find some really attractive hookers and kill them for their body parts using super crack! Yes, SUPER CRACK! That’s the most logical solution that I can think of!

But wait! There’s more! When Jeffrey finally rebuilds his beloved Elizabeth and brings her back to life in the electrical storm (Wait…Electrical Storm…Franken… Oh! I get it!), she starts turning tricks and acting like the hookers that make up her now hot body! This leaves our beloved Jeffrey to find her as she runs the streets of New York, turning tricks and taking lives. That’s some woman!

Sure the movie lacks things like an intricate story line, big names, and witty banter, but it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes you just want to see someone killed by some good ol’ spontaneous combustion from super crack!

The first time I saw this movie my face hurt from laughter! It’s completely ridiculous! So if you’re looking for a cheesy horror film that’ll leave you rolling on the floor, check this one out!

AfterĂ‚  stumbling upon this network news clipĂ‚  posted onĂ‚  videogum.com, I was inspired to feature ‘Troll 2′ in my monthly Best of the Bad column. Check out this clip and then see what I have to say about this gloriously bad film that’s apparently got a small, but loyal following…

I have to say I am truly glad there are filmmakers out there who continue to work despite the criticism they receive… such as being called “hacks” for example, which I feel is undeserved. What would the world be like if we didn’t have crappy movies to enjoy late at night? Could you imagine a world where everything, including movies, was taken so seriously that no one ever has any fun? No thanks!

‘Troll 2′ deserves some props within the first 90 seconds, before the opening titles even show up. We get to see a mob of goblins, that resemble Ewoks on meth, gallivanting through the woods as a young boy’s grandfather reads him a rather disturbing fairy tale. This opening scene really sets the mood and Joshua’s grandfather Seth is kind of creepy. Joshua is cool though. He wears G.I. Joe pajamas and has a Darryl Strawberry pennant hanging on his bedroom wall! Who doesn’t like Strawberry?

The story begins with the Joshua’s family going on a vacation to a small, rural town called Nilbog (seriously?) as an “exchange” which his older sister explains to her weeny boyfriend Elliott, is when a family from the country swaps houses with a family from the city. Uh, who the Hell does this? As it turns out, the boy’s grandfather is dead, but he continues to see him and interact with him even though no one else can. The boy’s mother, who’s acting is so bad she might as well have been a cardboard cut-out, is worried that her son has mental problems. The father, who’s the polar opposite personality of the mother, is more optimistic that their vacation will solve all their problems. During the trip, the boy is repeatedly warned by his grandfather to take his family home because they’re in great danger. Meanwhile, Elliott and his loser buddies follow them out in a big RV and park just outside of town. Of course, this becomes crucial to the story.

Overall, the creature FX are far more humorous than scary, unless by “scary” you mean horribly bad. I think I made a paper mache bunny rabbit in grade school that was more realistic than the goblin masks in this movie. The goblins of Nilbog are vegetarians [which may explain a lot] and have it out for the humans because they eat meat. Speaking of which, the movie is titled ‘Troll 2′ but it’s all about goblins. What the…?

The acting in this film is obviously of a “special” caliber, but it’s the dialogue that truly makes ‘Troll 2′ shine as a member of the elite Best of the Bad movies. Here’s a few samples of the dialogue:

Here’s the general store owner talking to one of Elliott’s friends…

General Store Owner: Are you crazy, boy? We’re vegetarians here in Nilbog. Didn’t you know that? Here’s some Nilbog milk. Special milk. High in vitamin content. Here, it’s free.
Drew: Free?
General Store Owner: Of course it’s free. We love tourists here in Nilbog. Try some, boy, and have some of your friends drink some also.

And perhaps my favorite, here’s a speech given to Joshua by his dad Michael, after Joshua urinated all over the poisoned banquet the Nilbog family left to keep his family from eating it…

Michael: Tightening my belt one loop so that I don’t feel hunger pains, and your sister and mother will have to do likewise. Okay, Joshua. You wanna get rough with me? You wanna show me that you don’t like the choice of this house for our vacation by going on a hunger strike? Well, I’ll accept the challenge. But just remember when I was your age, I really did suffer from hunger. We’ll see who gets through this, but just remember I’ve got more practice than you. I’ll see you tomorrow.

The remainder of the movie consists of the town of Nilbog trying to get the humans to eat the slimy green stuff or the “special” Nilbog milk that turns them into half man/half plant beings that happen to be a goblin’s favorite food. Joshua has an epiphany when he’s sees the town’s name in a car mirror and reads it backwards… “Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards! This is their kingdom!” This is when Joshua decides to be the hero and save the day, with the help of his grandfather and his family, once they finally see the true identity of Nilbog’s residents. After all, how could you not defeat evil when your secret weapon is a double stacked bologna sandwich?

Beware! The Blob (1972) is far less “classic” than the 1958 Steve McQueen original and far less “scary” than the 1988 remake by Tobe Hooper Chuck Russell. However, This sequel to the original is so blatantly 70′s that its enjoyable to watch just for the time warp appeal. Believe it or not, this campy horror film, also inappropriately known as Son of the Blob, was directed by none other than Larry Hagman … aka, J.R. Ewing, Jr. from Dallas fame! Hey, I can’t make this stuff up.

I love the way the film opens, showing that Ewing, I mean Hagman, had a unique since of humor not seen in his soap opera work. The opening title sequence is set to a montage of a cute little kitten curiously wandering about in the tall grass. An incredibly cheesy soundtrack of semi-circus like music is laid over this footage, intermittently cut into by some female screams and creepy sounds. As the opening title credits come to a close, the location of the kitten is revealed to be the front yard of a married couple as the wife returns with the groceries. Ha! You thought the cat was going to get it, didn’t you?

The premise is setup like this … a technician named Chester brings home an unknown frozen specimen from his three month trip to the North Pole for work. When his wife finds it stored away in the freezer, she accidentally leaves it out on the counter to thaw while making up for lost time with her husband. Bad move. In traditional Blob fashion, its appetite starts small and grows as it grows. The first victim is an unsuspecting fly, followed by … yep, the KITTEN!!! Oh, my God! Not the kitten! How horrible! [Our sincerest apologies to all the cat-lovers reading this.] Soon after, while looking for her missing kitten, the wife is ambushed by the already basketball-sized Blob. So, the carnage has begun again …

In this interpretation of The Blob, the gelatinous alien goo resembles more of a red version of Nickelodeon slime than that of the original. While Chester is at home chugging down beer after beer, completely oblivious to the fact that his wife and pet cat are now dead and currently being processed into fertilizer, we are introduced to a pack of Boy Scouts out for a hike. Chester is the third to go, shamefully dispatched in a blatantly appropriate homage, as he bites it while watching Steve McQueen frantically explain to the town that they are in danger in the 1958 original, playing on his television set. Lisa (Gwynne Gilford), a friend of Chester’s, finds him at home being “eaten” by The Blob and runs off screaming in terror. She tells her boyfriend Bobby (Robert Walker, Jr.) who investigates all calm and cool like a tough boyfriend would, but finds nothing. Say goes for the sheriff.

The riveting tension that was built up during Chester’s demise is abruptly broken with more scenes of the Boy Scout troupe as they joyfully hike along. Scoutmaster Adelman (Dick Van Patten) was such a incredibly annoying man that I would have been forced to dispatch him in consideration of my fellow scouts. Many of the quasi-random shots and sight gags, and even the insignificant comical scenes of this film have sort of a Mel Brooks feel to them, including when Adelman stops off at a farmer’s house along their hike to “borrow some toilet paper” for the trip. “We all need it, you know” … he exclaims before the farmer requests him to return what he doesn’t use.

‘Beware! The Blob’ is filled with eccentric characters from this small town setting, often playing more like a parody than a straight-forward comedy. However, you look at this film, it can;t be taken seriously. In a scene featuring Shelley Berman as a barber who takes advantage of a stoned hippie dude who wants a haircut, the barber claims to be a “hair sculptor, an artist” and scams the guy out of $400 to sculpt his hair. Just as he is shampooing the dude’s hair … BAM! The Blob strikes again! Let’s not worry … the sheriff will take care of everything, right? No, just like in the original, the sheriff doesn’t believe a bit of it until so many people have died and the situation is out of control. Kids … they’re probably just tripping on something. Oh well, Bobby drives Lisa home and offers her an avocado sandwich on whole wheat bread with alfalfa sprouts and Monterrey jack cheese … no bacon. Hey, its the 70′s remember?

In the end, all kinds of odd characters become space-goo fodder and PETA surely doesn’t appreciate that both a helpless kitten and a cute little yappie dog are killed by the slimy monster. Total body count goes something like this … a house fly, a cute little kitten, beer-guzzling Chester, his rather attractive wife, a hippie-hating cop, the hair sculpting barber and his stoned hippie client, a yappie toy dog, a flock of farm chickens, two young hobos (one played by Larry Hagman), one old hobo (played by Burges Meredith), Scoutmaster Adelman (taken off screen), a guy in a gorilla suit and his girlfriend, two bowling alley repairmen, a bowling alley manager, several bowling customers, a really dumb cop that walked right up to The Blob and says “that’s the strangest thing I’ve ever seen” just before it eats him.

The only ones to survive an attack by The Blob in this movie are Lisa and Bobby, the owner of the bowling alley and an old Turkish guy found running naked in the street. Bobby and Lisa discover The Blob’s weakness is cold when they accidentally spill a mini-fridge full of ice on part of The Blob. With The Blob sitting inside the ice rink of the bowling alley, which is currently under repair, they work to quickly freeze the rink over and defeat The Blob once more. ‘Beware! The Blob’ is available on DVD at 87 minutes in length, that’s 4 minutes shorter than the theatrical release. Sorry, no special features.

First and foremost, I want to state that Zeram, or Zeiram, or … Zeiramu … which ever of the various titles it has been released under, is actually not a “bad movie” in the most traditional sense. Yes, this movie has many, many scenes and elements that are laughable, but they are also really cool, too. The biggest factor involved qualifying this movie for Best of the Bad status is that it suffers from obvious budget constraints.

The story and concept in and of itself is so cool, that if given a Hollywood-sized budget, it would have absolutely knocked our socks off. Especially if it were made in today’s age of movie technology. Hey, to you Hollywood big shots … if you wanna produce a “cool” remake, snatch up the rights to this gem. As I always say, remakes should be confined to the realm of movies that have room for improvement. I fully support a remake of this, so long as you don’t screw it up. [In other words, Brett Ratner need not apply...]

I mentioned this movie had many title variations, but I’m going to use Zeram, the version I originally saw the movie released under. Zeram (1991) was directed by Keita Amemiya, who was partially inspired by The Terminator, which he watched as a child. He wanted to create a story of his own about an artificial unstoppable force of destruction. In short, this has been one of my favorite films for years in the Asian sub-genre of psyched out sci-fi action movies. It spawned both a sequel and an animated series.

Zeram is about a bounty hunter named Iria, and her AI partner Bob, who travel to Earth to capture Zeram, an escaped forbidden biological weapon. The pair of bounty hunters beat Zeram to Earth and set an elaborate hi-tech trap to catch Zeram, but ultimately underestimate its power. Zeram is essentially an eight foot tall bio-mechanical creature with a torso that vaguely resembles the underside of a caterpillar and a head like a flying saucer. Zeram’s most “interesting” feature is the long protruding extremity that hides within its head and has a small Geisha-like face on the end … that is an evil razor-toothed Geisha with red eyes, of course.

Iria’s plan goes something like this: She sets up a “zone” within an alternate dimension of Earth that is identical to our Earth, but without any form of life. She will confine Zeram within the “zone” on this alternate Earth and engage battle there, as to avoid any collateral human carnage. Upon defeat, she will encapsulate Zeram in a hardened rubber, prism-like encasement for transport off of Earth. Despite all of Iria’s cool weapons and gadgets, Zeram proves stronger and more cunning that she had predicted.

Things get even more complicated when two unsuspecting electric company workers stumble into Iria’s HQ on Earth, where they find themselves accidentally transported into the alternate Earth dimension. Iria must now fight Zeram and protect the two humans to avoid being stripped of her bounty hunting licence. The two humans basically are there for comic relief, but the movie has plenty of laughs on its own. [Remember, cool laughs!] Many of the fight scenes are like watching Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, but much enjoyable. In fact, MMPR began around 1993 so I’m sure this movie had to be a major influence. You’ll see what I mean once you’ve seen Zeram for yourself.

With a title like Death Bed: The Bed That Eats, there’s little room for pretentious film-making. This movie wears its heart on its sleeve in all its campy, cheesy, terribly bad, not worth watching but can’t quite take your eyes away from it glory. Death Bed (1977) began filming in 1972 … a print was run in 1977, found itself receiving cult status in Europe after it was pirated, but didn’t officially release until 2003. That may tell you all you need to know, but if you’re a hardcore b-movie fan you’ll give it a chance, for better or worse.

On a side note, comedian Patton Oswalt is among those who appreciate this film, even if it serves as comedic fodder. Oswalt speaks about Death Bed in his CD called Werewolves and Lollipops. He claims to be fascinated by the movie, as he writes for the big screen on occasion, exclaiming it gives him hope that anything he writes can ultimately succeed.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is about, as near as I can piece together, a demon who is manifest as a bed that has an uncontrollable hunger. Unsuspecting victims find themselves drifting into slumberland or making whoopie in this large ornate bed, only to discover themselves being slowly digested by the bed’s demonic gastric acids that creep up out of the mattress and suck you into its belly. What do you suppose is the sleep number for that? [sorry...]

The middle majority of the film consists of people laying in bed, having sex in bed, both of which leading to being eaten in bed, an occasional unnecessary shot of gratuitous mammary glands, REALLY bad acting, even worse special effects, lots of shots of the bed’s stomach digesting various things, including giving itself a healthy dose of Pepto-Bismo after developing a stomach ache, munching sound effects used whenever the bed eats a victim and excessively ridiculous use of voice-overs allowing the audience to hear the characters’ thoughts [there's more of this than actual spoken dialogue].

Oh, almost forgot … the demon bed had one diseased victim it didn’t want to eat, so it instead reincarnated him as a ghost trapped behind a picture on the wall. Utilizing even more of the marvelous voice-over technique, there is an ongoing conversation between the ghost and the bed. The ghost gives play-by-play commentary throughout the film as each victim approaches their death. Eventually, some strange connection is made between one young girl and the girl who was sacrificed to manifest the demon as a bed. Hence, a reversal of this ritual is performed, ending the movie with the fiery demise of the evil mattress giant.

Now, I know you’re all eager as a beaver to run out and rent this DVD, or maybe even buy it! If so, be sure to watch the special DVD introduction by director George Barry. Its priceless, featuring Barry explaining the history of the film and its journey into a cult classic. But beware, you may never look at your bed the same again. Ha ha ha ha ha …

Return of the Living Dead (1985) is an example of a bad movie that’s not really all that bad … just intentionally cheesy. Dan O’Bannon directed this sequel-parody to the classic Night of the Living Dead, but here’s an interesting note on O’Bannon … this is one of only two films he’s directed. O’Bannon is actually a writer whose resume includes Lifeforce (1985), Invaders from Mars (1986), Total Recall (1990), Screamers (1995) and various writing work on all four Alien films as well as Alien vs. Predator and AVP-Requiem.

The film begins as Freddy, played by Thom Mathews (Jason Lives, Kickboxer 4), is being trained for his new job as a clerk at a medical supply warehouse called Uneeda Medical Supply. His new boss Frank, played by James Karen (Mulholland Dr., Apt Pupil), ends the day’s training by telling Freddy a story about how the Night of the Living Deadmovie was actually based on true events, but had to be embellished and details had to be changed after the film-makers were threatened by the authorities. Freddy is intrigued, but not entirely convinced … so, Frank takes Freddy to the basement to see the zombie corpses that are sealed in Army tanks, which just happened to be mistakenly shipped to Uneeda Medical Supply instead of the correct destination. While gawking at the zombie remains, the two foolishly rupture one of the tanks, releasing the deadly chemical agent into the air. From here, of course, zombie mayhem ensues as the encased zombie escapes and a cadaver in the warehouse is cremated at a nearby mortuary after being re-animated by the chemical gas. What the characters didn’t expect was the smoke from the crematorium exhaust entering the atmosphere and causing a rainstorm spilling toxic chemical laced rain drops all over the city. Coincidentally, a massive cemetery exists right across the street from the mortuary. This happens to be where a group of wild and weird punk teens decide to hang out and party. The party suddenly gets bigger when the toxic rain awakens the dead in the cemetery and all Hell breaks loose.

The acting in Return of the Living Dead is purposely over-the-top, from comically cartoonish expressions of fear to hyper-stereotypical portrayals of teens from the 80′s, taking the fashions and attitudes of 80′s punk to hilariously extreme levels. The gang of punks includes the leader Suicide who is covered in chains, the freaky death-obsessed girl Trash, played by Linnea Quigley (an icon of b-movies), and Spider, played by Miguel A. Nunez, Jr. (who also has had a modestly successful career in comedies and b-movies since ROTLD). The gun-toting, slightly paranoid Ernie the mortician is played by Don Calfa (Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town), another regular of the b-movie genre.

Return of the Living Dead is not a poorly made film. The special effects make-up is pretty good, comical, but impressive for a low-budget horror-comedy from the 80′s. The soundtrack is a blast, very typical of the 80′s but also kind of edgy and new, compared to what similar movies of the time were doing with their soundtracks. The best, and perhaps most original part of this movie, is that zombies not only talk, but are actually intelligent. What do you do if zombies can open doors, radio in for dispatch to send more paramedics and cops and solve complex problems like how to remove the steel door keeping you from the fresh teenage brains of a scared punk girl? The main characters quickly learn that the movies were wrong and destroying the brain will not stop the zombies. In the end, the owner of the medical supply warehouse finally decides to call the emergency 800 number on the side of the tank in hopes of being rescued. Unfortunately, his hesitance to inform the authorities was a bad decision for them, as the film ends … what? You actually thought I was going to tell you the ending. Nope. You’ll just have to watch this one, grin and bare it to the end and find out for yourself.

As I am sure this entire post will be old news for any “true” movie geek, I felt it necessary to include as part of the Best of the Bad series … especially now that the classic Attack of the Killer Tomatoes will apparently be getting an update. Its nice to know that the stuff of legend such as these films of questionable caliber are recognized and remembered by folks like Netflix. I made a point about a week ago to rent this title to watch it again and, when I received it in the mail, I was pleased to see that Netflix had actually put some money into making this title available. The Return of the Killer Tomatoes DVD has nothing but the title and a big Netflix logo emblazoned on it. Being a devout Netflix user, I can attest that only movies that no one else wants to touch are graced with this honor. They must have been sold by the theme song …

Returrrrrrrrrrrrrrn of the Killer ToMA-toooooes …
Returrrrrrrrrrrrrrn of the Killer ToMA-toooooes …
The theme song still remains the same …
the plot itself has hardly unchanged …
A guaranteed bet … for fortune and fame.

Sure, you may ask why I am focusing on the sequel instead of the original. That’s the answer. Its a sequel to Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. This is reason enough to consider it among the best of the bad. But really, ROTKT is a different kind of movie. First of all, we rarely even see any tomatoes in the sequel. The most frequently seen tomato is FT (Fuzzy Tomato), the little mutant tomato that Tara (tomato-babe, played by Baywatch babe Karen Mistal) runs away with and promises to protect. Sorry, I am assuming everyone has seen this. Tara is the tomato that the evil Dr. Gangreen, played by John Astin (The Addams Family), transformed into his personal female assistant and sex-slave. So, Tara runs away and seeks safety and companionship from Chad Finletter, the nephew of the legendary Wilbur Finletter, a hero of the Great Tomato War. Chad is smitten, but finds something odd about his newly acquired sugar-baby. Chad works at his uncle’s pizza parlor with his buddy Matt, played by George Clooney (yeah, he’s actually made a career since this movie. Can you imagine?). Let’s fast forward …

Chad finds out Tara’s a tomato … Tara runs away, but is captured by Dr. Gangreen and his assistant Igor … Chad and Matt must rescue her and stop Dr. Gangreen from creating a new army of tomato-man soldiers … they enlist the help of Wilbur and his VTW (Veterans of the Tomato War) friends … Dr. Gangreen is defeated, the world is safe and Chad gets his girl-amato … [hope I didn't ruin it for anyone?]

The tongue-in-cheek writing and silly plot are a given, but what also separates this from the first is that the entire movie is making fun of itself and the original, but is also poking fun at the Hollywood movie-making machine. At one point, the movie stops on film and production is halted because they ran out of money. George, I mean Matt, suggests its time to give in and start benefiting from product placement. From here, I remember at least 4-5 massive Pepsi-cola plugs along with several other recognizable brands. There is even a pot-shot against the Screen Actors Guild, but I’ll not go there as the current SAG situation indicates I may be assassinated for making derogatory remarks about SAG.

You’ve already been introduced to the theme song of ROTKT, but that is only one musical gem available from this movie. My personal favorite is a romantic montage of clips showing Chad and Tara falling in love, repeatedly pestered by a wacky mime, all playing to a Sinatra-esque crooner ballad called “Touch Me There.” Classic good-bad stuff.

Surely this isn’t the first you’ve heard about this George Clooney guy, but here’s two other pieces of Killer Tomato trivia you may not know:

• [U.S. Congressman Gary Condit, who became a household name in the Chandra Levy disappearance, has an uncredited roles as a patron in the pizzeria. The movie was co-written and co-produced by a friend of Condit's, J. Stephen Peace. Peace, along with Condit, was a member of the California State Assembly at the time.] — IMDB.com
• [In 1978, under the pseudonym "Foo Cameron", Cameron sang the song "Puberty Love" which was featured in the movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.] Cameron later became a drummer for the bands Soundgarden and Pearl Jam.

Quite possibly one of the cheesiest, most ridiculously stupid movies of all time, Leonard Part 6 (1987) was directed by Paul Weiland, world-renowned auteur of such masterful classics as … City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold (1994). Otherwise, he’s apparently the guy to talk to if you want to make a Rowan Atkinson show, with nearly half of Weiland’s resume containing Mr. Bean somewhere in the title. Even better, Bill Cosby wrote and produced the film, on top of starring in this lemon.

Bill Cosby is Leonard Parker, a retired secret agent that the CIA must beg to return to duty in an attempt to stop a maniacal plan to brainwash cute little critters, like rabbits, into killing humans. Despite his personal problems, Leonard is forced into involving himself when his wife is kidnapped by the evil Medusa Johnson, played by Gloria Foster (The Matrix).

Medusa is Hell-bent on forcing the world into vegetarianism, but she has to deal with Leonard first. At his disposal is a wide array of super-spy gadgetry including a compact car with a full-size tank cannon sticking out the windshield and concealed, portable armpit missiles. Leonard must fend off Medusa’s vegetarian thugs and man-eating fuzzy animals to save his wife, and the world.

Apparently, Cosby was not pleased at all with the film upon completion, advising audiences not to waste their money and placing most of the blame on the director … hey Bill, you did write and produce this thing. Take some credit, eh? Anyway, despite its cheese-factor of about negative-infinity, it is still enjoyable to watch Bill Cosby make a fool of himself, evading death by dancing in ballet slippers and escaping on ostrich-back as he flies to safety. Anyone notice a problem there?

I’ll wrap this post up with a great little piece of trivia related to Leonard Part 6, courtesy of IMDB.com — [The film won three Razzie Awards including Worst Picture, Worst Actor, and Worst Screenplay. All of which were personally accepted by Bill Cosby himself, he requested that they be specially made out of 24 carat gold and Italian marble, (at a cost to Fox Networks of about $27,000) and be presented to him on "The Fox Late Show" a few weeks after the actual Razzie ceremony.]

Ooh-La-La †¦ any movie with Geena Davis dressed like Vampirella and hornier than a brass band can’t be that bad, right? Well, it depends on how you look at it. Along the same vein as UHF, this movie is more cheesy than flat-out bad, but lots of fun all the same. Transylvania 6-5000 (1985) was written and directed by Rudy De Luca, who has been involved with several of Mel Brooks’ films, including Silent Movie, High Anxiety and Spaceballs. The movie has been suggested to be inspired by the 1963 Looney Tunes cartoon, but the similarities are pretty thin, outside of the title.

The story goes like this †¦ two reporters, Jack and Gil, travel to Transylvania hoping to uncover the story of the century. Gil is excited about the possibility, but Jack is the ultimate pessimist and thinks the story is a joke. These two journalists, played by Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley, Jr., check into a creepy old castle and set about investigating the alleged reappearance of Frankenstein’s monster. The odd and quirky hotel staff attempt to keep the reporters from learning their secrets. Jack and Gil stumble upon some strange characters and occurrences during their stay, including the Igor-like bellman Fejos (Michael Richards) who dreams of being an entertainer, the mummy, an overly sensitive werewolf and the nymphomaniac vampire Odette. The movie also stars comedic regulars Carol Kane and Jeffrey Jones.

The movie actually can be seen as an early foray into the physical comedy of Michael Richards as his character appears often throughout the film and carries much of the comedy. As with any true 80’s genre film, the soundtrack is unavoidably special. Transylvania 6-5000 is mostly a feature-length situational comedy with off-beat moments and humorous character interactions. See it once, see it twice †¦ it’s always the same, but its also always fun.

I wager that if I told you Anjelica Huston has played a stiletto-heeled space pirate from the future who steals ice from an evil empire, you may promptly have me locked up. Unfortunately, its quite true. The Ice Pirates (1984) was directed by Stewart Raffill (Mac and Me) and stars Robert Urich, Ron Perlman, John Carradine, John Matuszak (Caveman), Max von Sydow and yes, Anjelica Huston.

The movie takes place in the distant future when water has become so scare that its become the most valuable substance in the galaxy, used as currency and power. A band of pirates have been stealing ice from the Evil Templars who now control the largest supply of water. When two of the pirates are captured, they barely escape a fate worse than death and are purchased by the princess to rescue her father, the king, who has disappeared.

The Ice Pirates is so cheesy, so blatantly 1980′s … made with all the glory of miniature models against primitive blue screen back drops, complete with over-the-top comically dramatic musical scores and plenty of “I can’t believe I just witnessed that” moments that its good fun for anyone. The pirates have bargain basement robots that sound like some mad scientist crossed R2-D2 with a flock of pigeons.

This movie is filled with plenty of reasons to wallow in its hillarity. Here’s a short list of some of them: a flatulant alien on the toilet; a pimp-bot selling sex; frog ladies; a space herpe on the loose; brainless bounty hunters; Amazon women with attack unicorns and a climactic battle royale while traveling through a time warp. What more could you ask for?

The dialogue is shamefully bad, consisting basically of tired cliche’s, play-on words and one-liners referring to what action just took place. And yes, the ice pirates [of the future] do dress like the pirates of old … and yes, the soldiers for the Evil Templar do dress in the garb and chain-mail of the templar knights of old. If MST3K was still around, I am positive The Ice Pirates would have made a fantabulosly popular episode.

“Life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and things and you gotta clean it out. You gotta stick it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And sometimes life sticks to the floor so much that a mop, a mop, it’s not good enough. You gotta get down there with like a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta really scrub ’cause you gotta get it off. But if that doesn’t work, you can’t give up. You gotta stand right up. You gotta run to a window and say, ‘These floors are dirty as hell, and I’m not gonna take it any more.’” — Michael Richards as Stanley Spadowski

Now that’s a metaphorical quote for life. Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates can’t compete with this philosophical gem. UHF (1989) is one of the greatest comedies ever made. The film was directed by Jay Levey, who has made virtually every ‘Wierd’ Al Yankovic music video. UHF just happens to have received a bad rap by non-believers of the b-movie genre.

‘Wierd’ Al Yankovic plays George Newman, a slacker on a mission to save his local public access television station that his uncle won in a card game. Newman is given the station to run, but struggles to develop quality programming and keep the station afloat. Locals volunteer to produce various off-the-wall programs, including Wheels of Fish and Raul’s Wild Kingdom, whereas Raul attempts to teach poodles to fly.

One of my personal favorite moments in UHF is when Stanley Spadowski, played by Michael Richards (Seinfeld), tells a young boy on his popular kid’s show he has won. The boy has been competing at a game whereas he must locate a marble in a kiddie pool filled with oatmeal. He holds up the marble in excitement and Spadowski yells, “You’ve found the marble in the oatmeal! You know what that means? You get to drink from the firehouse!” [Audience applauds] Please don’t try and make since of this … you’ll only hurt yourself. I can only say you have to see it to understand.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space… It’s so wonderful it just rolls off the tongue. This 1988 gem, directed by Stephen Chiodo, meets my first criteria for great bad movies before the title sequence even rolls. Great bad movies tend to have great bad titles. I remember first seeing this great piece of sideshow/sci-fi/horror schlock when I was a young lad, staying up too late watching USA Network’s Up All Night, which featured movies of such caliber as to liquefy ones brain if not processed carefully. Actually, my early interest in movies began in part as a result of stumbling upon movies like Killer Klowns and late night programs hosted Joe Bob Briggs and Sandra Bernhardt. (I have a theory; if you start with the bad, you appreciate the great even more.)

Killer Klowns centers around a small town (go figure) whereas a few teenagers are the only ones who realize the invading dangers (go figure) and must survive long enough to get the rest of the town’s heads out of the sand. The aliens who invade just happen to look like evil clowns, use weapons and technology based on clown/circus items and have, in a twisted way, a clown’s sense of humor. What are you moaning about? This all makes perfect sense. I mean, if you’re going to invade a town and conquer its residents for food, why wouldn’t you use popcorn shooting guns and cotton candy bazookas that cocoon your victims? Surprisingly, the special effects really aren’t too bad for this type of film. I believe, between the uniquely odd plot and the above average b-movie special effects, you will enjoy it as much as I have.

* WARNING: For anyone with a fear of clowns, you’ve been warned!