Checking Rotten Tomatoes today I see that ‘The Dark Knight’, which in my mind should be sitting at 100%, is only at 90%. So lets talk about why.

First off there is a hack review from some guy(David Denby) with The New Yorker, who also didn’t seem to like IRONMAN, You can read his full review here. Here is a snippit from his review:

“At times, the movie sounds like two excited mattresses making love in an echo chamber. In brief, Warner Bros. has continued to drain the poetry, fantasy, and comedy out of Tim Burton’s original conception for “Batman†� (1989), completing the job of coarsening the material into hyper-violent summer action spectacle.”

The next bad review we get from David Edelstein with NY Mag(whats with the guys from NY not digging this movie?), who also didn’t seem to care for IRONMAN. You can read his full review of ‘The Dark Knight’ here, but here is a snippit:

“The Dark Knight is noisy, jumbled, and sadistic.”

Then we have a review from Marshall Fine with Star Magazine, but come on..did we expect anything less from this hack magazine?

There are 4 rotten reviews, and 37 fresh reviews..you decide who to believe. Kind of ridiculous.

He decided that ‘The Happening’ should receive a higher rating than ‘The Incredible Hulk’. He is getting up there in age, but Mr Ebert, this is a NEW hulk..they arent just rescreening the old Ang Lee version.

Here he gives ‘The Incredible Hulk’ 2 1/2 stars.
Here he gives ‘The Happening’ 3 stars.

“I suspect I’ll be in the minority in praising this film. It will be described as empty, uneventful, meandering.”

You are correct sir.

Blood & Chocolate was directed by Katja von Garnier (Bandits). Aside from the really bad title (although it does make sense once you’ve seen the movie), it isn’t a complete failure. The one decent thing it has going for it is an attempted twist on the werewolf story, which on its own was intriguing, but not enough to carry this mostly unexciting and slow-moving drama. I really wouldn’t call it much of a horror film, as its rated PG-13 and understandably so. There is very little blood, or even violence, and the special effects left me wanting on a highly disappointing level.

The SFX used to show the transformation of the loup-garoux (as the Romanian folklore refers to these werewolves, revered as “chosen ones”) are pretty lame, consisting of some simple computer light & morph FX. In this story, the loup-garoux due not change from humans into massive, savage and scary murdering machines, but instead into actual wolves. They also are not limited to changing during a full moon, but instead shape-shift at will. About the only “traditional” werewolf trait the loup-garoux maintain is that they are highly vulnerable to silver.

The story of Blood & Chocolate centers on Vivian (Agnus Bruckner), a young female loup-garoux who is promised to Gabriel (Olivier Martinez), the “pack leader” of the loup-garoux. Vivian has her reservations about marrying Gabriel, which only increase after meeting Aiden (Hugh Dancy), an American graphic novelist in visiting Romania. Vivian finds herself falling in love with Aiden, but must way that love against the danger it presents to both of them. Really, this movie is mostly a romance story with an extremely watered down werewolf undercurrent used to add some depth to the story. I’m not going to call Blood & Chocolate a complete waste of time, however I’m also not necessarily recommending it either.

[rating:2/5]

DVD Features:

• Commentary with Olivier Martinez and Director Katja von Garnier
• Deleted Scenes
• Previews

Zac:

Let’s get one thing out of the way, if you see this, see it in IMAX 3-D. The 3-D is phenomenal and a must see for anyone that enjoys film or wants to see the future of the medium. The 3-D gives the movie a bit more life than it might normally have had, but you accept the look and it is a part of the film after the first Grendel attack.
Now the movie. Beowulf is a pretty good, with a classic story, a beautiful look and some amazing action scenes. The movie opens with a celebration of King Hrothgar and his people when Grendel, a beast of terrifying looks and brutality, barges in and kills pretty much everyone in the hall. This leads to a call for a “hero” to come and kill Grendel and Beowulf answers the call. To tell more would take away from the film and while it is a bit predictable and there aren’t any major twists, it is still probably best enjoyed knowing as little as possible.
This movie, as you might know is animated, which looks great, but is drawn to look like the actors who filmed the movie performance capture on a blue screen. This is the best way to tell this story I feel and I don’t think it would have looked as good or as doable as a live action film with CGI elements added in. The movie being animated also allows you to easily accept and not be taken aback by the scenes that would have been blatantly CGI enhanced as it looks just like everything else in the world.
The actors do alright work here, though Robin Wright Penn is a bit too wooden even for being a sad, sad character. Anthony Hopkins is also alright as the King with Ray Winstone playing an excellent bad ass in Beowulf. John Malkovich is also good as the sleazy Unferth with Brendan Gleeason being as great as he always is. Angelina Jolie also turns in some sexy and mysterious work as the mother to the best actor in the movie Crispin Glover. Glover as Grendel is terrifying and is a character that is truly freaky on screen. Glover throws together a performance that is unsettling and just eats away at you. I would love to find out how much of the physical performance he did as well.
Another bit to note with this movie, is that it is brutally violent and in no way is it possible that this is PG-13, I have no idea how it received that rating. Be warned if you are bringing little ones, it’s scary and messed up and there is plenty of blood and bodies tossed around the screen.
Any who, the movie is worth seeing just for the 3-D alone, but you will also be able to enjoy a classic tale, beautifully realized in this animated feature. The movie could have been trimmed up a bit and the acting could have been better, but the action and animation make up for it’s shortcomings easily and it’s ultimately an entertaining movie.

(4 out of 5)

Andrew:

It wasn’t the worst thing I’ve seen this year, but it was really unmoving. First, toss out most of what you know about the real Beowulf story because we don’t that mixed in here. Second, think of a video game cut scene that started off really well, and then extend it another hour and a half. Third, get ready to feel awkward checking out animated Angelina who isn’t technically naked, I don’t think.

Now, in that mindset, sit down and watch Beowulf and you’ll be far better prepared than I was. If I pretend I was ready for those three things, I can say that Beowulf was definitely interesting for its use of animated actors. Likewise there are some fantastic shots, and fun battle scenes that wouldn’t have been possible without the animation. However, the movie ends up feeling like a final-fantasy-esque cut scene with unrealistic and almost silly characters who’s emotions seem awkward and misplaced. If you’ve gone this long without seeing it, you might as well keep it that way. Maybe I’m a snob.

(2.5 out of 5)

[rating: 3.5/5]

Undead or Alive, directed by Glasgow Phillips, who previously has written for South Park, is an unGodly awful piece of film. How bad … I’ve had more fun examining lint I pulled from my pants pocket. Jokingly also referred to as Undead or Alive: A Zombedy, this is just one more knock-off zombie comedy that fails at doing anything but waste the viewer’s time and money.

This direct-to-DVD dud stars television actor James Denton (The Pretender, Desperate Housewives) and SNL star Chris Kattan (Monkeybone, Corky Romano) as two completely opposite outlaws in the old west, on the run after robbing the town’s sheriff. As it turns out, legend has it that Geronimo allegedly cast a curse on the white man, turning them into zombies. The sheriff is attacked and becomes a zombie, then builds a posse of zombies to track down the two fugitives. What ensues is a lousy production with crappy special effects, a terrible script with lousy humor filled with puns and cliche’s older than dirt. Poor Chris Kattan … he was never my favorite SNL player, but this is beneath even his standards.

[rating:1/5]

His movies are crap, and someone should stop him. Here are some of his ratings on Rotten Tomatoes:

House of the Dead – 4%
Bloodrayne – 4%
Alone in the Dark – 1%
Blackwoods – 11% (his hightest rating)

… and as most of you already know, someone started a petition in the hopes that Uwe Boll would quit making, writing and producing movies. Well, Uwe Boll was enraged and said it would take 1,000,000 signatures for him to stop making movies. The petition has 164,206 signatures right now. Do your part in making the movie world better, and sign this thing.

Director Jim Isaac (The Horror Show, Jason X) has delivered his third movie in almost twenty years. It must mean he makes very good, monumental films … right? Not exactly. OK, I’m trying to maintain my goal of keeping my reviews as positive as I can … so, here it goes. Um, the poster is kinda cool … I suppose. Here’s just a bit of background info … Isaac’s first film, The Horror Show (1989), aka House III, the original director was fired and Isaac was the replacement. Oh yeah, and the writer had their name removed and the official credit for the screenplay was given to Alan Smithee. [If you're a movie geek, you know what that means.]

Skinwalkers (2006) is a pretty run-of-the-mill werewolf movie. It has werewolves, action and an occasional attack on humans. The special effects are, well … not very good, actually. This is disappointing when you consider Isaac is also a special effects guy, having worked on Return of the Jedi, Gremlins and three different David Cronenberg films, including The Fly, Naked Lunch and eXistenZ. He actually claims Cronenberg as his mentor and idol. I think this is cool, but I’m afraid very little of Cronenberg rubbed off on his work.

The plot: a band of renegade werewolves are looking for a special boy who is about to turn 13. The boy, who has nightmares and asthma, is unaware of his connection but is secretly protected by a small rural town of werewolves who refuse to give in to their beastly urges. Apparently, there is [in this movie] a Native American legend about skinwalkers and a prophecy about a young half-breed boy who will end the “curse” if he lives to his 13th birthday. From here, the movie basically takes on the typical chase-action-chase-climactic fight scene formula. I’m not going to give away the end. You aren’t missing much, but still … I’m not that evil.

So, all of this and you’ve got to be excited to run out to your local RedBox to rent Skinwalkers, right? Yeah. If you like minimal story, mediocre action and poorly executed special effects, along with excessive gun-cocking [you'll understand if you see the movie] and sci-fi channel quality cinematography, then go spend your buck and rent Skinwalkers. As for me, I’m pleased that I rented this one for free.

[rating:2.5/5]

DVD Features:

• Making Skinwalkers featurette
• Huguenot Shoot-out Pre-visualization sequence
• Digital FX Comparisons
• Deleted Scenes
• Original Theatrical Trailer
• other Lionsgate trailers

September Dawn (2006) was directed by Christopher Cain (Young Guns) and tells the story of the Mountain Meadows Massacre in Utah. This horrible event took place 151 years ago on September 11, 1857. As the films begins, the words “based on actual events” appears on the screen. I do not doubt so much the idea that this atrocious event occurred, however I do find myself staying objective to the details of how it occurred and by whose hands the acts were committed. I can only say, if this depiction is true to the facts, I feel it is important that the film was made. The story follows a wagon train of Christians from Missouri and Arkansas as they seek supplies and a place to rest from a settlement of Mormons along their trail.

According to the film, the governing members of the Mormon Church eventually ordered their militia known as the day-riders to engage the Native Americans they had deceived and befriended to massacre every man, woman and child of the wagon train party. The Native Americans quickly learn that they have been misled and abandon the massacre before it is completed. At this point, Brigham Young, played by Terence Stamp (The Limey), orders Jacob Samuelson, played by Jon Voight (National Treasure), by way of the prophet Joseph Smith to finish God’s work and kill the remaining survivors. I found this film equivalent to a Hallmark movie, but with lots of violence.

I understand the inclusion of a love story between a young Mormon boy and a young Christian girl within the script was likely done for audience appeal, but question whether it was appropriate. The subject matter alone I found difficult to watch at times simply because it is, at least in part, based on actual events. For those interested in movies which shed light on history, I do [cautiously] recommend this film. I do not claim to have an opinion either way of the Mormon Church, nor do I imply any knowledge of their beliefs. I feel that the burden of bias may lie negatively on the storyteller(s), but appreciate the need to convey a piece of history.

[rating:2/5]

DVD Features:

• Descendants: Remembering the Tragedy featurette
• True Events: A Historical Perspective featurette
• Previews

Travis:

Roland Emmerich is an interesting director, with films that have been both loved and hated. Personally, I think The Day After Tomorrow (2004) and Godzilla (1998) are lots of fun to watch, but once you look beyond the action and great special effects [even if the Godzilla design was, to some, blasphemous] the films are weak on story and lacking any amount of believability. One constant, however, is that his films are known for their fascinating special effects. Stargate (1994) and Independence Day (1996) were great and are still fan-favorites to this date. Despite all the CGI effects of his other movies, my favorite Emmerich film is The Patriot (2000) which holds up the best against all the tests. One of the biggest problems with 10,000 B.C. is that it doesn’t fit very well into Emmerich’s M.O.

There really aren’t any recognizable actors in this film, probably my choice, so I won’t waste any time on that. Believe me, you’re not being deprived of any Oscar-worthy performances. The landscapes and scenery in the first half of the film are pretty to look at, but this alone does not a good film make. One element of the film’s approach to depicting characters from this era that bothered me throughout the film was the accents. I realize that the human species of the time didn’t speak English, or any formal language that we know of, but why bother giving them accents? We already get that the English-speaking is a tool for keeping the movie at a broad audience approval rating, even though Mel Gibson’s Apocolypto did quite well, despite its gamble with subtitles over the native-spoken language. So, I suppose I am nit-picking a bit, but these weren’t my largest concerns.

We’ve seen it all before. A trailer comes out for a new movie, marketing itself as the next big action extravaganza with lots of neat, expensive special effects … then we find ourselves surprised in the theatre by a sizable lack of said action and special effects. 10,000 B.C. in no exception. The effects that do exist are well done, but for a movie nearly two hours long, most of them are packed into the final scenes of the film. I’m being too harsh? Maybe you’re right, but I have fallen asleep in a theatre while watching a movie, well … never! I found myself fighting the sandman on 2-3 different occasions during this film, wedged between momentary glimpses of the woolly mammoth scenes. The uneventful and slow-rolling love story, that essentially plays out like a prehistoric soap opera, just lumbers along as we await to see something amazing. It could be me, or the fact that these characters lived ten-thousand years ago, but I found myself entirely void of any empathy or compassion for the characters.

Honestly, I really wanted to enjoy this movie. I have been looking forward to it ever since I first saw the trailer. I even maintained my enthusiasm while nearly all my friends and co-workers scoff at me for being interested in a movie they were sure would suck. Well, I have to say that they were mostly right for once. Normally, I remain seated during the credits to digest a good film, while everyone else makes their mad dash for the exit. I actually found myself sitting through the credits of 10,000 B.C. simply to wake-up and regain my strength. No kidding! I was actually tired after watching this movie. I’m not going to go so far out on a limb as to say it was poorly made, but simply some it up as being only slightly more enjoyable than Kevin Costner’s The Postman, which is the only DVD that I have yet to watch from beginning to end in one sitting, without falling asleep. To date, I have attempted it three times. I can sincerely say I would prefer to revisit Godzilla, again, over paying again to watch 10,000 B.C.

Curtis:

Roland Emmerich (The Day After Tomorrow, The Patriot, Independence Day) directed and co-wrote this prehistoric epic teaming with Harold Kosler (AVP, OK so that doesn’t say much), but working with a largely unknown cast these guys put together quite the film. Contrary to what the trailers have lead us to believe it isn’t non-stop action. It is, as I expected, very character-driven, and a well told story. Not all about rampaging wooly mammoths.

As reads at Wikipedia: Mammoth hunter D’Leh (Steven Strait), a member of a hunter-gatherer tribe living in 10,000 B.C., travels through unknown lands on a quest to rescue his people from extinction. Leading an army, D’Leh uncovers a now lost civilization while in pursuit of a warlord who kidnapped his love, Evolet (Camilla Belle). D’Leh and his army come face-to-face with a saber-toothed cat, woolly mammoths, and terror birds in the journey to save his people.

Some aspects of the film I found questionable. As in, why D’leh’s people wouldn’t trap the Mammoth herd in the valley, yet scare them away to only attempt catching one. There’s a few more, but with that said I’m going to highly recommend this film. On top of the inlaid love-story, that seems to be a constant in these films, it contains some visuals are nothing short of awe-inspiring! Exceeding the level seen in “Troy” (2004) to reference another historical epic. From actually seeing the pyramids being built, using mammoths as work horses, pulley systems throughout, the shear massive level of construction demonstrated was unbelievable, yet at the same time very realistic. Other things such as the Sphinx completed with a very feline face, to the allusion of Egyptian’s being descendants of Atlantis, even the design of the sails are interesting. I’m not sure how well these visuals will translate to DVD, so I would try to see this at the Theater if you can. “300″ just isn’t the same on the small screen. I’m going out on a limb, and saying … This movie will top the $200 Million mark. Time will tell, but I think it’s MONEY !!

[rating:2/5]

I was buying groceries the other day and out in front of the store is one of the many new Red Box DVD vending machines we see everywhere. I have a habit of stopping on my way out to see what’s there. I had never actually used the service before, but on this occasion I noticed a new movie that kind of snuck up on me. It was an action movie that appeared to be direct-to-video, but it starred Jason Statham, Ryan Phillippe and Wesley Snipes. I though, “Hmm… it may be watchable. Besides, maybe Snipes is finally trying to revive his career after his time spent fighting the IRS.” So, I rented the DVD and this is how it went.

I’ll let IMDB.com give you the DVD case synopsis … [In Seattle, detective Quentin Conners is unfairly suspended and his partner Jason York leaves the police force after a tragic shooting on Pearl Street Bridge, when the hostage and the criminal die. When a bank is heist with hostage situation, Conners is assigned in charge of the operation having the rookie Shane Dekker as partner. The thieves, leaded by Lorenz, apparently do no steal a penny from the bank. While chasing the gangsters, the police team discloses that they planted a virus in the system, stealing one billion dollars from the most different accounts, using the principle of the Chaos Theory. Further, they find that Lorenz is killing his accomplices. Written by Claudio Carvalho, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil]

Chaos (2005) meets the quality equivalent of an average television cop drama, at best. Oh yeah, it was made in 2005. So, why is it just recently popping up on DVD in the States? It could be due to a couple different reasons. First, upon watching the film, I couldn’t help but notice some plot elements that seemed to be borrowed from both Inside Man and War. The I caught myself and realized this film precedes both of those, respectively released in 2006 and 2007. I will, however, state that Inside Man is a far superior movie and, while I wasn’t the biggest fan of War, it too was better than Chaos. This left me with one remaining theory, the movie was not seen as a sure-fire profit-maker for the distributors. I can only assume that the recent popularity boost for Statham finally encouraged them to release this sub-par action film that the director, Tony Giglio (Soccer Dog) repeatedly refers to as more of a mystery than and action movie in the Making of featurette. Another element of this DVD extra that bugged me was how he kept suggesting that this was the type of script that Statham and Phillippe hadn’t done before. Well, Giglio actually mentions Phillippe’s work on Way of the Gun, so I find this contradictory. As for Statham, these are primarily the only type of movies he makes. [Again, I refer to War, despite its later release, but we can also consider Crank and Transporter.]

Please note that I’m not bashing Statham, or any of the other cast, but rather reflecting on the smooth-flowing but otherwise boring and unoriginal screenplay. The twists are hyped to be a big mystery, but a viewer cannot help but connect the major plot similarities of Chaos to War, simply because we’ve seen War already. OK, sure … its not the directors fault that the two movies’ release dates got twisted out of order, but it hurts the film’s element of surprise. The acting was fine, as good as is to be expected, the directing and cinematography meet at about the same junction, but as a whole the movie just falls kind of flat. The action really isn’t that exciting and even the chase scene between Phillippe on a Harley pursuing a perp in a truck is only mildly exciting. All things being equal, Chaos is worth the one dollar I digitally dropped at the Red Box, but anything more would have been just shy of upsetting.

[rating:2.5/5]

So this will be cleverly titled Step Up 3D. Ahh … �the makerting genius! Honestly, if tickets were on sale today for this movie �I would rush right out and drive off a cliff to make it look like �I was on my way to buy tickets for this film.

STOP!

Nick:

The Gingerdead Man
Cast & Credits

Millard Findlemeyer: Gary Busey
Sarah Leigh: Robin Sydney
Written by William Butler, Domonic Muir, August White
Directed by Charles Band
Running time: 70 minutes
Unrated

Millard Findlemeyer (Busey) is a ruthless killer who comes back to life in the form of a murderous gingerbread man, so he can have revenge on the victim that got away, Sara Leigh (Sydney).

The back of the DVD box informs you that Millard Findlemeyer kills Sara Leigh’s family, but she lives, and “During the trial, Sara’s testimony sends Millard to the electric chair and his ashes are sent to his mother. In a vow of revenge, Millard’s mother mixes her son’s ashes with a secret gingerbread cookie mix, which makes its way into Sara Leigh’s bakery.†�

It’s a good thing I read that blurb, because you don’t actually see any of that happen. What you see is:

1. Gary Busey sleepwalking through a thankless role
2. He shoots people whom we have never been introduced
3. A girl is working at a bakery
4. A cloaked stranger drops off a suspicious batch of gingerbread mix-
5. †�that is promptly used to make cookies with.

It’s just an assembly line of scenes with no consideration for plot or character. Or intelligence. Exposition? What is that?

Ugh.

The Gingerdead Man was released – direct-to-video – on November 8, 2005. It was directed by Charles Band and written by Domonic Muir and August White, from a story by William Butler.

IMDB credits Band as having directed thirty-two movies. This film represents the latter end of that thirty-two films and has all the wonderment of a fetid turd. How can a movie about a killer cookie with the voice of Gary Busey be so, so bad? It is emotionally flat, poorly staged and boring.

What the hell happened to the Charles Band that directed Doctor Mordrid? I mean, that movie didn’t win any Oscars but it was entertaining. Better yet, what happened to the Charles Band that produced From Beyond, Dolls, Puppet Master �and The Pit and the Pendulum (1991)? You would think that after producing 236 films, give or take, you would learn something about quality control.

This movie, this concept, if given a little time to bake (Ha!)†� it could’ve been something truly bizarre, a real midnight movie. In reality, it’s more like an endurance test. Can you will yourself to watch it all the way through?

On a positive note, I have always enjoyed Gary Busey and, honestly, his presence was the key reason for my interest in this movie. Unfortunately, Busey is only in the movie for a couple of minutes, the rest is just uninspired dialogue for a goddamn cookie.

Another positive note is in the execution of the title character, Gingerdead Man. John Carl Buechler is the special effects man responsible for the creation of the little guy, and Mark Andrews was the head puppeteer. Buechler is a seasoned effects man, having worked on crazy stuff like From Beyond, Friday the 13^th Part VII, Nightmare on Elm Street 4Â �and Carnosaur. Most recently, Buechler was responsible for the gruesome stuff in Hatchet. Andrews is no slouch either, having racked up numerous credits in just a couple of years.

It is always a shame to see talented people waste their time. Don’t get me wrong, I knew this wasn’t going to be great by any means, but I was kind of hoping for a decent piece of trash cinema.

Avoid this ocular rape.

Side note(s):
Domonic Muir, one of Gingerdead Man’s three credited writers, also worked on the screenplay to Critters. Who wants to take bets on when that movie gets a remake?
Oh, and The Gingerdead Man has a sequel coming out this year.

The Fantastic Four (1994) was produced by b-movie legend Roger Corman (The Terror, Carnosaur) and directed Oley Sassone (Bloodfist III). [On a side note, Roger Corman demands respect in his own right. Even though his movies usually suck, the man has over 380!!! projects to his credit as producer. That's insane ... and he's still working on more!] Anyway, so I guess you’ve figured out by now that I’m not talking about Fantastic Four (2005) or Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007). Of course, many of you may be thinking I could be, as I probably enjoyed both a little more than the average movie-goer. No, I’m talking about the original attempt made before the time of CGI, which plays a huge role in why this movie sucks so bad. The movie was never released in theaters, or on VHS, or on DVD … EVER! So, how do I know it’s so bad? Shhh … a little birdie dropped an ‘unofficial’ VHS copy on my doorstep a couple years ago. Out of pure curiosity, I watched it. Well, I learned my lesson. I’ve seen Sci-Fi Channel original movies that only air after midnight that are more enjoyable than this.

In this ‘original’ version, the Fantastic Four take on both Doctor Doom and the Mole Man, along with several mean old henchmen who apparently all thought they were cast as Doctor Doom, because they were all dressed in basically the same costume. Let me see how well I can paint you a picture (because this movie doesn’t exist, right?) The Thing, aka Ben Grimm, actually isn’t a terrible design, considering they could only use makeup, but it’s still laughable. Invisible Girl disappears brilliantly via cheap 1980′s video dissolve effects. Mister Fantastic stretches like, twice … and only his arm. Let me explain. Imagine a stiff slinky, one that will expand but still stay straight. Now, put a really long shirt sleeve on it, but bunch it up so it looks ‘normal’ until stretched. Oh no! Invisible girl has fallen! In a moment of pure heroic effort, Mister Fantastic stretches his slinky arm out to catch Invisible Girl. Yes, I just described a pivotal scene from the movie. Makes you want to jump out of your seat and search youtube, huh? Go ahead, it’s there. Human Torch, aka Johnny Storm, is a complete dork in this version. I’m not sure how they got it wrong (I mean, there’s only over 400 issues of the Fantastic Four comic book), but he’s not cool or daring at all. In fact, he’s a big wiener. If you do decide to brave this movie, do so out of curiosity and prepare yourself for the worst, because that’s what you’ll get.

[I have to end on a positive note: Marvel is working on a Silver Surfer spin-off movie and, while it may be a while, it looks as though they have Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) attached to direct. If this does happen, expect a super-awesome movie!]

Meet the Spartans reminds me of the good old days, when spoofs were an art-form and actually made you laugh because they were funny. I feel the golden age of parodies has past. No longer will films like Blazing Saddles and Airplane grace our high-definition, multiplex, digital projection screens. The ill-mannered step-children such as Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans now fill their large and intimidating shoes.

Poor Kevin Sorbo. I will proudly admit my past of partaking in regular viewings of the television series Hercules, but I feel we need to throw the man a bone. Aside from Carmen Electra (and we all know why she was cast), Sorbo is the biggest name on this bill. Unfortunately, I feel it’s not true to his level. While watching MTS, I couldn’t help but notice the honest underlying need he had for a break. His performance was actually not hard to watch, and I’m not speaking of his painted on abs. I am convinced that Sorbo can actually act, given the chance.

Speaking of the Carmen factor, Ms. Electra seems to be the favored actress for spoof films. I can only assume it’s due to the healthy balance of her, well… let’s call them ‘attributes’, combined with her knack for portraying a bad actress. Joining her is Nicole Parker (Mad TV), the only other female cast member of note. Her woman-of-1000-faces performance includes Paris Hilton (who also seems to be a staple of modern parodies), Brittney Spears, Paula Abdul and Ellen DeGeneres.

Rounding out the cast of comedic anomalies are Diedrich Bader (Drew Carey Show), Ken Davitian (Borat), Method Man and of course Sean Maguire as Leonidas. I will refrain from suggesting there is a complete lack of genuine comedy in MTS, but it is sparsely scattered throughout the film. Most of the laughter generated by the movie is more accurately described as that embarrassing giggle or chuckle that hesitantly slips out, the volume of which is determined by the consolidated level of laughter observed from the remaining audience. Essentially, this is a survival mechanism employed to not look or sound foolish laughing outright at something you are only partially convinced is actually funny.

Dragon Wars is Korean director Hyung-rae Shim’s first attempt at an American blockbuster. ‘Attempt’ being the key word here. For some reason, this movie got an enormous amount of advertising and publicity when entering theatres. Furthermore, I found that the DVD release of Dragon Wars received no less attention as its theatrical release. Honestly, I cannot determine whether its a matter of blind optimism on the part of the distributors or a blatant attempt to muster up whatever additional revenue they can from unsuspecting movie-watchers.

I resisted seeing this movie for as long as I could, but there is a point where curiosity wins. As it turns out, curiosity does kill that cat… and the attention span of one viewer who normally can rough out even the worst schlock-ridden wastes of celluloid. First of all, I believe its important to understand one tiny bit of the director’s history; he’s spent virtually his entire career making Asian comedies. Now, suddenly, he’s metamorphosed into a director of a big-budget, American monster movie blockbuster. I don’t think so. Dragon Wars did garner a few laughs, but not intentionally. The laughter is merely the audience throwing their hands up in the air and giving up.

The script is full of plot holes and embarrassingly bad dialogue. The acting… well, let’s leave the actors alone. An actor can only work with what they have and this script doesn’t offer much. In an attempt to address the barrage of Internet hoopla surrounding Dragon Wars special effects, I give them some credit for not totally sucking. The effects are actually a par above the average Sci-Fi Channel original movie grade of CGI, but that’s all. While they do look good, they are often poorly rendered or poorly integrated into the scenes. Aside from this, and this is the only positive attribute of the film, Dragon Wars is mostly difficult to watch, unless you enjoy watching bad movies. If so, enjoy!

[rating:1/5]

DVD Details:

• Don’t buy it!!! (Unless, you are one of the above mentioned lovers of bad movies.)
• Don’t rent it!!! (Unless, you have a buy one get one free rental coupon, and you meet the above criteria.)
• Don’t expect any good extras: The DVD contains a mediocre making-of featurette, which mostly just praises how awesome the movie is; an animatics featurette which is eh, OK, I guess; and a photo gallery… woo-hoo! And, oh yeah… THAT’S IT!!!
• No commentaries.

Sadly during one of the opening scene’s Lindsey Lohan is reading a paper in front of a class, and when it pans out to the class I just expect them to me laughing and snarling … that’s how bad she has become in the public eye. It was pretty much unbelievable to see them all staring at her intently as if they were spellbound.

My wife always says that if you didn’t watch the whole movie, you cant give it a fair review. Well, I am sorry but I couldn’t bring myself to get passed about 30 minutes of the movie.

I honestly feel pretty bad about just how horrible this movie is, and its not just Lindsey Lohan. The script was horribly written, the camera shots leave a lot of questions, and to hear Ms. Lohan cursing up a storm is just funny. Its so forced and unnatural that you cant help but laugh when you hear it.

Let me tell you the only reasons to watch this movie:

A) You want to see Lindsey Lohan do some very unsexy dancing on a stage as a burlesque performer.
B) You want to throw away an hour and a half.
C) You want to watch a very long, unnecessary sex scene between Lohan and Brian Geraghty. And from all of the recent reports from Lohan’s one night stands, you wonder if she is having to tone it down just to make it seem natural?
D) You want to see Linsey Lohan half naked most of the movie.
E) Do yourself a favor and just not watch it.

Scott’s Score

[rating: 0/5]

First off they listed at #5 Rock Star, you know the one with Mark Wahlberg. I actually thought this movie was really good, especially if you liked the glam rock of the 80′s. Bad form blender!

Then, if that wasnt enough they coupled in Radiohead’s ‘Rockumentary’ ‘Meeting People is Easy‘.

This one shouldnt be on the list for obvious reasons. A) most of the movies on the list are ACTUAL MOVIES, and B) Anyone who isnt a fan of radiohead wont like this..but i sure as hell did. Come on � blender, there is more to music than Britney Spears and Kanye West (not that there is anything wrong with either of those artists).

I am certain that you could have found at least one movie about a boy band, or christina agu..nevermind. Instead you pick movies about Glam Rock(popular music before your magazine was around), and One of the most influential bands of our generation.