FOUR KIDS AND IT (2020) – Review

With the home-schooling battles and triumphs (hopefully) several weeks in the past, perhaps it’s time that the “wee ones” were rewarded with a (virtual) trip to the movies, jumping from their computer (and laptop and iPad) screens to the big living room flat-screen. The Trolls and the Scooby Gang arrived and mostly departed by the last big holiday. So what’s up for this holiday, the Fourth of July (aside from the neighbors blasting their fireworks all through dark night skies)? The “Mouse House’ is going to “ride out” the pandemic into the Fall, when we may get to view this year’s second Pixar feature (ONWARD squeezed in right before the shut-down), SOUL. Perhaps the small set would enjoy a flick based off of a recent (well, a reboot actually) classic, but featuring a mostly flesh and blood human cast (don’t worry, they’ll get a pixel fix). If that’s the case then they should get ready for a fantasy-adventure all about FOUR KIDS AND IT.

As the story begins we meet half of the title youngsters. Ten-year-old Ros (Teddie Malleson-Allen) is ecstatic to be stocking up on books at a local second-hand shop for her big holiday getaway. But first, she has to rescue her timid one or two years younger brother Robbie (Billy Jenkins) from some bullies before they can join their (newly single) father David (Matthew Goode) for the long car trip to their cottage near the coast in Cornwall. Not too far away newly single mom Alice (Paula Patton) takes her eldest ten-year-old daughter Smash AKA Samantha (Ashley Aufderheide) away from some local “toughs” (she’s their champ at smashing the windows of an old warehouse) and embarks on their big ‘holiday” with six-year-old little “sis” Maudie (Ellie-Mae Siame). To the kids’ shock, both groups arrive at the cottage within moments of each other. This must be a mistake! No, Alice and David have been secretly dating and thought this would be a perfect way for the kids to meet each other. Things get tense very quickly. Since they’re stuck with each other for the next few days, the youngsters head to the beach where local eccentric aristocrat Tristen Trent III (Russell Brand) notices them during his daily “explorations”. After he leaves, something under the sand snatches Maudie’s shoe. They soon find the culprit, a weird creature of legend, a magical sand faerie who calls himself Psammead (voice of Michael Caine). How is he magic? Well, he explains that he can grant one wish a day to each of the children, one which expires with sunset. Robbie is upset that Smash tossed his hand-held gaming device high up on a craggy hill, so he asks to be the world’s greatest climber. Psammead fills his own little body with air (perhaps) and expels it. Sure enough, Robbie scurries up the rocks like a certain “web-slinger”. And has to be rescued once night falls. The kids make it a point to get up early the next day in order to run to the beach and put in their wish. But can they keep the “new friend” away from their folks? Although their biggest threat may be Trent who has actually been searching for Psammead over the last few decades but now thinks that these “annoying” kids may lead him to his “prize”.

The title quartet does a commendable job of drawing us into the often outlandish plot quirks and contrivances. Their de facto leader may be Malleson-Allen as the down to Earth, fairly sensible Ros who seems to owe quite a bit of her personality to Jo March (Hmmm, “Little Women and a Little Troll”). But she’s not all “brains” as her heart nearly breaks as she finds that her former family will never reunite. Jenkins is the shy, queazy (oh, that “carsickness”) introvert who gradually starts to stand up for himself. Aufderheide is convincingly intimidating as the rough-edged Smash, but really shines as she gets her diva pop star wish and finally chips away at her hard outer emotional shell. And Siame is achingly adorable even as she spouts dialogue best suited for a teenager (some of the “pop therapy” lines are cringe-worthy). As for the “non-kids”, Goode is an endearingly befuddled pop (perhaps too clueless at times) as the frazzled David, while the gifted Patton does her best to wring laughs from Alice’s “food frustrations” (oh boy she burned dinner again, call the pizza place). Perhaps he’s hoping to reach a wider audience, but it’s disconcerting to see the cutting-edge wit of Brand somewhat dulled in order to play the standard adult bumbling comic villain, sort of a male Cruella DeVille (or Jim Carrey as Count Olaf and Dr. Robotnik in some recent kid flix). When he’s not gazing with disgust at the kid -heroes, he’s wringing his hands with greedy delight over exploiting the sand faerie, and inevitably getting the brunt of some slapstick humiliation. This comic rebel seems too smart for such buffoonery. The same can be said for Mr. Caine (excuse…Sir Michael) as the voice of Psammead, who plays the odd creature as a feisty frisky grandpa’ trying to have fun with the lil’ sprites while teachin’ em’ a lesson. I can only imagine Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon riffing on his role in (hopefully) another “trip” romp. It would certainly be funnier than the lines Caine gamefully infuses with his rascally charm.

Tv vet Andy De Emmony does his best to keep the pace running smoothly, but his efforts are done in by the predictable plot points and forced bits of pathos concerning “blended” families. It all comes down to the screenplay from Simon Lewis and Mark Oswin adapting the children’s’ book by Jacqueline Wilson (which was a retelling of a story from nearly 120 years ago called “Five Children and It”). The parents veer from being ineffective bystanders to almost criminally incompetent (or irresponsible). And really, who springs such a life-changing decision on their kids during a vacation? For a fantasy feature flick, the special effects are truly “hit and miss”. One wish involves flight, and the four kids soar through the green Irish locales like junior Kryptonians, but the gags involving the crumbling Trent estate seem right out of “Lego-land” with some “iffy” miniature work. And then there’s “It”, a CGI “beastie” looking like the lovechild of E.T. and Clyde the orangutan from those 80s Eastwood comedies. He never feels as though he has any “weight”, especially as he “sand swims” and blows up like a pufferfish (all for some mandatory kiddie flick flatulence gags). It all leads to a sunny upbeat ending (with a “message” of course) that doesn’t feel earned. FOUR KIDS AND IT may temporarily distract the youngest viewers, but for most of the family, it’s a noisy, befuddled, forgettable, familiar farce. Now if only I could banish the Psammead from my spicy food-induced nightmares.

One Out of Four

FOUR KIDS AND IT screens in select theatres and is available as a Video On Demand on most cable and satellite systems along with many streaming apps and platforms.