GRUDGE MATCH- The Review

It’s “adult swim” time at the cineplex once again, kids. Hmm, seems like LAST VEGAS was just a week or so ago. This new flick concerns another couple of post-6o dudes who are trying to recapture some of their “glory days” (cue the Springsteen tune, if we can afford it!). Except one of them was in that earlier flick (he’s having a busy year for a guy past retirement age). This film’ s story plays on the cinematic past of the two main stars. You, see both got Oscar nominations for films set in the world of that “sweet science”, the sport of boxing. Sylvester Stallone grabbed his nom for penning the script for 1976’s ROCKY, which spawned five sequels, while Robert DeNiro nabbed his Best Actor Oscar nom and win for playing real-life boxer Jake LaMotta in 1980’s RAGING BULL. Now, while both actors shared scenes in COPLAND, they’ve never stepped into the ring. Until now, because they’re many years overdue for a GRUDGE MATCH. And, there’s the bell….

…for their first bout, several decades ago (see that’s how the flick begins). Henry ‘Razor’ Sharp and Billy ‘the Kid’ McDonnen each won a championship fight against the other, but for mysterious reasons, there was no third bout, no “grudge match”. Cut to Pittsburgh 2013. Billy (DeNiro) has a big used-car dealership and a struggling bar and grill dedicated to his boxing career. Henry (Stallone) left the ring long ago and earns an honest living working at a local steel mill. Enter the son of the man who promoted their original battles, Dante Slade, Jr. (Kevin Hart). He wants to procure the rivals’ services for a video game company. In order to produce a new boxing game based on their old bouts, they need the men to don motion-capture suits and throw a few punches that the computer will reproduce for their game avatars. Both men need the cash and agree to it as long as they are recorded separately. Of course, Billy violates the deal and shows up during Henry’s session. Heated words and blows are exchanged and all are recorded on the phones devices of the game crew. The footage is uploaded to an internet video sharing site and instantly becomes a “viral” sensation. Then the big East Coast casinos contact Dante. How about a rematch? After much prodding, they agree. But who will help them train? After taking him in after being evicted from another retirement facility, older ex-boxer Louis ‘Lightening’ Conlon (Alan Arkin) consents to train Henry. Meanwhile, after being brushed aside at the gym of Frankie Brite (LL Cool J) Billy meets his estranged son BJ (Jon Berenthal) and enlists him as his trainer (oh, and BJ has an eight year-old son! Billy’s a grandpa’!). But at the big press conference who should show up but Sally (Kim Basinger), the blonde bombshell that both men courted back in the day. Will she somehow throw a wrench into the rematch plans, as she did all those years ago? More importantly, can both aging war horses survive the months of grueling training on the way to the big fight?

The game cast flays away at the lackluster script to little success. Stallone seems the most indifferent, perhaps since most of the film’s plot was covered in his own vastly superior ROCKY BALBOA from just seven years ago. He often plays scenes with his head down maybe to show how life has beaten down and humbled Henry, but it comes across as though he were tossing the scenes off to the other actors. This may be the reason that much of his dialogue is “mumbled” away. DeNiro is the more gregarious of the two fighters, but he seems to be slipping into the squinting caricature of his earlier roles that he’s relied on for far too many recent comedies. He’s quiet and scowling before turning into a loud and belligerent within seconds. We wonder what the still gorgeous Sally ever saw in the two, but Basinger plays her as merely a bland pawn in their enduring tug of war. Her motivations are unclear and unfocused. Has she just been waiting for the boys to get back in the news? Arkin is reduced to playing a variation of Burgess Meredith in not one, but two of his later screen roles. Of course, he’s the scrappy trainer/coach from the Rocky movies series (down to the attire), but he’s also the crude elderly clown spewing inappropriate sex jokes from the GRUMPY OLD MEN flicks. When the film makers don’t know how to end a scene they cut to him over-selling a tired “horny old dude” gag. Hart’s doing his motor-mouthed guy on the make from the stand-up films and supporting movie roles. There’s far too many scenes of him screaming into his cell phone and strutting about (another easy way to convey info and conclude scenes).. And then he and Arkin share scenes so he can make fun of his age while the other can do height jokes (Ah, “Webster” jokes! edgy!). Bernthal, so great in TV’s “The Walking Dead” is wasted as the always exasperated beacon of responsibility to the out of control DeNiro character.

Peter Segal, director of the underrated big screen remake of GET SMART, suffers a major stumble trying to bring life to this clichéd tale. It’s another case of “all the jokes are in the trailer”. And the ones there are not that inspired. The movie quickly loses its forward momentum after the fun opening flashback fights and the “where are they now?” updates. It just takes an eternity to get to the main title bouts. The love-triangle subplot just helps to keep the story’s wheels spinning with little reward. And the grandson storyline is cringe-worthy. What eight year-old speaks like that (one whose dialogue is provided by hack sitcom writers). The movie lurches from one “wacky” set piece to the next. I can almost believe the two ring vets popping up at an MMA match, but jumping out of a plane to parachute  onto a mall parking lot? Hello, these guys have to make it to the match. people (and can you imagine the insurance premiums?). After a turgid medical problem that attempts to add some drama, we’re finally ready to rumble. Said fight is poorly staged looking like a sloppy slapping match at a bus stop. Bobby, Sly, you’re shown us you’ve got the physique and stamina  to go a few rounds. Now hung up the gloves and concentrate your impressive talents on better projects than drivel like GRUDGE MATCH. Oh, if only I could have thrown in the towel from my theatre seat and stopped the embarrassing proceedings!

1 Out of 5