THE TO DO LIST – The Review

The dorky teen desperate to his virginity has been the subject of many Hollywood films but THE TO DO LIST, a cheeky sociological teen-raunch comedy, does so from the point of view of a young woman. It’s the feature directorial debut of Maggie Carey, who also wrote the screenplay. Carey has a ton of TV experience, but THE TO DO LIST steps wrong from the ground running and can never find a way to right its footing. If it were not for the charming lead performance by Aubrey Plaza anchoring this film, we would be less distracted from what an unpleasant mess THE TO DO LIST really is.

THE TO DO LIST focuses on virginal graduating high school valedictorian Brandy Clark (Plaza) and her quest to gain a literal list of sexual experience during the summer of 1993. Brandy is an uptight overachiever, the opposite of her uber-slutty sister Amber (Rachel Bilson), constantly correcting the grammar of her two best friends (Sarah Steele and Alia Shawcat). One night Brandy is dragged by her friends to a graduation party kegger where she does beer bongs (“you’re after school special drunk”) and falls for hunky guitar-strumming Rusty Waters (Scott Porter), inspiring her to make a ‘to do list’ of sexual activities she’s never experienced (finger-banging?), and in some cases hasn’t heard of (she can’t find rimjob in the dictionary – “I’ll have to ask the librarian) so she’ll be more experienced when she heads off to college. She spends the bulk of the film getting boys she knows, many who work with her at the community pool, to perform these sex acts, saving Rusty for her big deflowering.

THE TO DO LIST has some agreeable fast banter, but it’s so icky in its vulgarity that it quickly wore me out. Ms Plaza’s performance carried me for about the first half hour, but then a certain coarse redundancy set it and soon I was just waiting for it all to end. It’s not a very realistic at High School age behavior. During Brandy’s valedictorian speech, she quotes (who else?) Hilary Clinton and someone in the audience yells “Get off the stage, Virgin!”, to which everyone whoops and hollers. Where does that happen!? Brandy’s emotionless attitude towards her sexuality is one thing that lets the film down. In one scene she “finger-bangs” herself, in another she gives a handjob in a movie theater using popcorn butter, and in another she blows a musician in a shower. After each of these scenes it’s never clear how she feels about these acts. Is she enjoying this? Is she ashamed? Are they just empty things for an overly organized girl to check off on her to-do list? THE TO DO LIST represents a coming-out party of sorts for Ms Plaza, who is being given her first opportunity to carry a movie and she is up to the task, bringing charm, confidence, and self-deprecating wit to the part, (her small breasts are a running gag), and convincingly pulling off a character ten years younger than she is. Connie Britton and Clark Gregg, as Olive’s goofily empathic parents, are a tasty comedy team, which brings me to the unsavory subplot which involves their sex life overlapping their daughters. In one uncomfortable scene, Dad and Mom park their van in the local lover’s lane to screw and soon make eye contact with Brandy parked in a van next to them losing her virginity. It’s supposed to be funny. In another, Dad walks in on his other daughter screwing a dude in her bedroom. The guy gets up, shakes hands with Dad, while still boning his daughter, and then climaxes. It’s not funny. It’s just squirmy and gross……..and I haven’t even mentioned the poop eating scene!

Bill Hader as Brandy’s stoner boss, who can’t even swim at the water park he runs, is funny enough to make you wish that he’d land a movie role that does his skewed humor full justice. The movie has too many familiar elements, like Johnny Simmons as the wimpy best guy pal (named Cameron Mitchell – !). Then there’s the weird Hilary Clinton fixation. The then-first lady’s photograph is on display everywhere! The camera constantly cuts to it and Brandy speaks to her hero. I’m not sure what Ms Clinton has to do with the story. Brandy’s father is shown reading oen of Rush Limbaugh’s books so I guess he’s supposed to be uptight, but the films politics are even less focused than its humor. Brandy lists about 20 sex acts on her to-do list but only gets through about 6 or 7. I guess they’re saving ‘Teabagging’, ‘Pearl Necklace’, and ‘Rim Job’ for THE TO-DO LIST 2. I don’t think Hilary would approve.

2 of 5 Stars