PAIN & GAIN – The Review

Looks like it’s time for another “inspired by true events” night at the multiplex. It’s not a heavy drama or political thriller, not even a mushy tear-jerker. Nope, this is a raucous, raunchy R-rated comedy about kidnappers. Uh, uh, felons. And it’s from that master of big screen comedy Michael Bay. Yup, fresh off the TRANSFORMERS trilogy. Well, this flick is about some larger than life characters, though not several stories tall like the Autobots. Bay can do the big explosions and gun battles, but can he really dive into the Apatow territory? You’ll get to find out in PAIN & GAIN.

The main focus of P&G is the gang’s ringleader (mastermind is stretching things a bit), Danny Lugo (Mark Wahlberg). It’s South Beach, Florida circa 1995 and Lugo’s an ex-con (a shady investment racket) now working as a fitness trainer at Sun Gym. But he’s not satisfied. He wants the high life and he wants it now! He sees a oppurtunity in a new client, sleazy business mogul Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub). Lugo will snatch up Mr. K and force him to sign over everything (mansion, cars, bank account) to him. But Danny needs help so enlists two co-workers, the steroid-shooting Adrian (Anthony Mackie) and the just-released-from-prison, born-again, newly sober behemoth Paul (Dwayne Johnson). After several botched attempts they nab Kershaw and proceed to clean him out. But after everything’s signed over,what will they do with their victim? And how will the stay a step ahead of the law? What will happen when all of the Kershaw estate is spent? Will these goofballs begin a crime wave?

Well I suppose you could use an internet search engine to read about the real life case which would be infinitely more entertaining than enduring this over 2 hour (!) vulgar, plodding misfire. I’m sorry Paramount Studios, these three guys aren’t mischievous dimwits. They’re criminals who are now right where they should be. Yeah, the Kershaw character is a jerk, but he doesn’t deserve the endless abuse (think Rasputin with gold chains). There might have been some well-earned laughs in the script, but Bay has sledge-hammered them into a nauseating pulp. There’s countless action sequences that go to slow motion that allows Bay to freeze frame on the actors’ grotesque grimaces. That’s before the sweaty close-ups and the camera zipping in and out of rooms through a small hole or crack (yeah, it’s cool but move on!). Bay goes out of his way to fill the screen with wacky eccentrics (hey, let’s make the motel bouncer a little person! Hee hee!) and misses no opportunity for a juvenile gross-out. Really, we gotta’ see the severed digit again? And the hefty hospital guy’s bathroom accident? Of course, Bay’s noted misogyny is on full display. The ladies are either video-vixen bombshells or hateful shrews. All the better to sell an awful rape joke. Oooo, edgy! Via the constant title cards we’re told this is a true story although many characters endure injuries that should put them in traction without slowing their stride. Stick with the shoot-em-ups and building debris, Mr. Bay, movie comedy will live without your gifts. I was actually feeling embarrassment for the cast.

Said cast being composed of usually good actors, but they’re not given much here. Wahlberg is mostly frustrated and agitated when not getting in somebody’s face. Johnson ‘s Paul is there to mainly be the butt of countless jokes on his religion (adding fuel to the fire of the pro-value groups) with some homophobic and coke-snortin’ gags tossed in. Mackie is the panicky, fast-talkin’ soul man who, of course, has to have a thing for plus-sized white chicks (particularly the talented Rebel Wilson who’s neglected for much of the film). Shaloub can play arrogant D-bags in his sleep, so the Kershaw role is no great stretch. The very funny Rob Corddry (HOT TUB TIME MACHINE) is wasted as the clueless Gym owner. Ken Jeong riffs on his sneering HANGOVER persona as an infomercial huckster. The only actor that seems to really be playing a human being is Ed Harris as a determined private investigator.The few scenes with his wife (played by Emily Rutherfurd) have a real warmth lacking in the rest of the tawdry tedium. Ah, better cut from them and go back to the chases and boobs! Even a terrific actor like Harris can’t class up this mess. It’s like seeing a beloved teacher cleaning an outhouse. There’s not a thing to be gained from all this movie going pain, but because of Mr. Harris I’ll give it…

1 Out of 5