Review: MACHETE

“Machete don’t text.”

Danny Trejo is Machete, a former Federal agent who’s organization completely betrayed him. Their leader Torrez (Steven Seagal), killed his family and left him to die. Machete isn’t going out that easily. He resurfaces as a Mexican laborer just as a revolution is brewing. The local senator (Robert DeNiro) and his gang of renegade bandits (Lead by Don Johnson) are trying to stop immigration by any means necessary. This includes investigating a local taco stand that they believe to be the headquarters for an immigration ring, lead by Luz (Michelle Rodriguez). Machete is now being hunted and targeted by the bad guys, while being encouraged to fight for his people. Mix all of this together and you are in for one hell of a ride.

Let’s just start out by giving props to Danny Trejo. He is one of the most recognized character actors in the world and he certainly deserves his time in the limelight. I can not think of any other actor that could have played the role of Machete better than he did. The movie itself was a perfect Grindhouse movie. It was funny, some of the effects and lines were purposely bad or cheesy, and there were boobs. THERE WERE LINDSAY LOHAN BOOBS. Some speculate that she used a body double… but there is one scene that you can clearly see things through her hair. I guess the naked shots were there to cover her bad acting. I still can’t decide if her acting was bad because it was suppose to be, or if she’s just lost her touch. Either way, she fit her role in the film.

Michelle Rodriguez is always spot on. I honestly can’t think of one role where I didn’t like her. (Even if the movie itself was horrible.) She is perfect as Luz, as well as her alter ego ‘SHE’. Rodriguez a vulnerable side, a sexy side, and a side that says “I don’t care who you are, I can kick you ass.” Jessica Alba, on the other hand, is iffy to me. Sometimes she really shines in a role, and sometimes she is just plain horrible. I felt that she was just okay in this one. Her wig was HORRIBLE, and some of her dialog didn’t really flow. Yet again, not sure if it was suppose to be that bad or not. Still, I didn’t hate her in the role. DeNiro can certainly play the part of a redneck well. I think one of my favorite casting decisions was marketing Don Johnson as ” And Introducing Don Johnson”. It was clever, and pretty darn funny. Seagal was purposely left for last. I don’t get him. I don’t get his voice, I don’t get his stupid hair, and I certainly don’t get his wacky wardrobe… but all of those things combined made him perfect for this film. Jeff Fahey was way better in this than his role as the pilot in Lost. Hmm… two actors in this movie were in Lost. I like it!

Mr. Rodriguez… you are a genius! I could go into a long description of why you rock, but there are just so many that I will leave it at a HIGH FIVE! (Air slap!)

GO SEE THIS MOVIE! This isn’t my opinion… YOU NEED TO GO SEE IT! If you don’t, you will make a puppy cry. Do you want that on your conscious?

OVERALL RATING: 5 out of 5 stars