Top Ten Tuesday: Schmucks in the Movies

Who doesn’t like Steve Carell, or Paul Rudd, for that matter? Two of the coolest guys in comedy are back this Friday, July 30th in a new movie called DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS, directed by Jay Roach. The movie also stars Zack Galafinakis, who’s also cool, in his own “wolf pack of one” sort of way. Not heard of it? Schmuck! But, no… seriously, the movie looks incredibly funny. So, we’ve decided to honor the cinematic schmucks, the best of them have made our Top Ten Tuesday list this week.

Honorable Mention: Kent Dorfman – ANIMAL HOUSE

The story is simple enough… A freshman in college seeks to join a fraternity. The stumble upon the Delta Tau Chi house, and the rest is history! Nicknamed “Flounder”, Kent is clumsy, idiotic, and quite frankly… a big lug! Put him in a house with the rest of the Delta Tau Chi’s and YOU HAVE A PARTY!

10. Al the Toy Collector – TOY STORY 2

Near the beginning of TOY STORY, an overzealous toy collector named Big Al (voiced by Wayne Knight) steals Woody from under the nose of Andy’s mom during a yard sale. When Woody arrives at the home of Big Al, he learns that he is a rare and valuable toy based on a media icon of the Fifties, a cowboy puppet show called “Woody’s Roundup”. I’ve had a side business selling vintage toys myself for over twenty years and if you took every antique toy dealer I’ve ever met and put them in a blender, the result would be the pudgy, balding Big Al, who wants to sell Woody to a Japanese toy museum. Like the comic book store guy on The Simpsons, Al is the perfect satire of the obsessive, yet greedy collector nerd.

09. “Nuke” Laloosh – BULL DURHAM

An important part of the romantic triangle at the heart of 1988’s BULL DURHAM is the cocky, dim-witted, hot pitching prospect, “Nuke” LaLoosh played by Tim Robbins. He’s such an out-of -control doofus that it takes both ‘Crash’ Davis (Kevin Costner) and Annie Savoy (Susan Sarandon) to straighten him out. The team owners know that “Nuke” can take the team all the way if Davis can mentor him. LaLoosh’s behavior earns a special nickname from Davis (‘Meat’) and almost wrecks his romance with Annie. By the end of the film, ‘Nuke’ has taken their lessons to heart and is invited to the show(the major leagues) leaving ‘Crash’ and Annie behind to mentor the next young baseball phenom. In the world of sports themed movies,”Nuke” may be the most annoying, over-confident, thick-headed, schmuck of all time.

08. Mayor Vaughn – JAWS

In Steven Spielberg’s JAWS, Amity Chief of Police Martin Brody (Roy Scheider) starts to close the beaches after a young girl is killed in a shark attack. Before he can do so, he is intercepted and overruled by town schmuck and mayor Larry Vaughn (Murray Hamilton). Vaughn is concerned that reports of a shark attack will ruin the summer tourist season, especially the upcoming Fourth of July celebration, as it is the town’s major source of income. “Martin, it’s all psychological. You yell barracuda, everybody says, “Huh? What?” You yell shark, we’ve got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July. Vaughn instead throws around some major bullshit that the victim was killed in a boating accident. So everyone unknowingly goes back into the water to serve as chum, including poor little Alex Kitner. He and his raft are munched. Brody and scientist Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfus) try to persuade Vaughn to keep the beached closed again. But this schmuck knows better. I mean c’mon, the mayor is only trying to save Amity. “It’s a summer town. We need summer dollars. Now, if the people can’t swim here, they’ll be glad to swim at the beaches of Cape Cod, the Hamptons, Long Island…” Even the chief says, “That doesn’t mean we have to serve them up as smorgasbord.” Oi! After much back and forth, even Hooper realizes the futility of reasoning with a schmuck and says, “I’m not going to waste my time arguing with a man who’s lining up to be a hot lunch.”

Still unwilling to take off those blinders, the mayor proudly says, “I’m pleased and happy to repeat the news that we have, in fact, caught and killed a large predator that supposedly injured some bathers. But, as you see, it’s a beautiful day, the beaches are open and people are having a wonderful time.” Amity, as you know, means “friendship”. Supposedly. This guy is borderline moron. It’s only after a final killing by the great white in the estuary, along with his own kids being on the beach too, does the Mayor hire Quint to kill the shark.

07. Alan Garner – THE HANGOVER

If I were a dude about to be married, I would MAKE SURE that Alan Garner was invited to the bachelor party! He brings such memorable lines to the party, such as “Nobody’s gonna fuck on you! I’m on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! *Please*! This isn’t your fault. I’ll get you some pants!” I mean, come on… how THOUGHTFUL! He took care of Carlos, he looks like Fat Jesus, he knows life saving facts such as “Tigers love pepper… they hate cinnamon”, and he even drugs your drink so that YOU can have a better time… He screams BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE!

06. Richard Thornburg – DIE HARD

I’m not sure why William Atherton has been relegated to so many schmuck roles. Perhaps he has one of those faces you love to hate. In GHOSTBUSTERS he played the ‘dickless’ government stooge Walter Peck, (Bill Murray: “Yes it’s true. This man has no dick”) but his schmuckiest role was that of Richard Thornberg, the obnoxious reporter in the original DIE HARD. Thornberg was a real jerk, obsessively trying to cover the action at hand and inadvertently endangering the lives of everyone involved and Atherton played him suitably slimy.

05. Darryl Jenks – COMING TO AMERICA

Darryl Jenks… what a class act! Heir to the ‘Soul Glo’ empire, he cruises around town like he doesn’t have a care in the world! When he’s not busy leaving his greasy sheen on couches, he’s hanging out at McDowell’s. So here’s to you, oh sultan of sheen and shine… JUST LET YOUR SOUL GLO, FEELING OH SO SILKY SMOOTH… JUST LET IT SHINE THROUGH!

04. Lloyd Christmas – DUMB AND DUMBER

Lloyd: You know, I don’t really recall. Starts with an S! Let’s see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
Harry: Maybe it’s on the briefcase.
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! It’s right here.
[He reads the manufacturer’s name, which is Samsonite]
Lloyd: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

Oh, Lloyd Christmas… you certainly know the way to a girls heart! Jim Carrey brought the “special” qualities of this character to life in the 1994 comedy ‘Dumb and Dumber’. Lloyd might not have landed the girl of his dreams, but he certainly gained notoriety in any room that he entered! Did I mention that he made driving around in a car decorated to look like a dog look good?

03. Principal Rooney – FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF

Who liked their high school principal? Exactly! So, for Principal Ed Rooney to be so hated — yet, so loved by fans of the movie — is sorta common sense, but the truth is that actor Jeffrey Jones is REALLY good at portraying a schmuck… maybe, even too good, given his real life antics, but that’s a whole other story. Rooney is an arrogant, egotistical, power-hungry schmuck who thinks he can rule his students through fear, but his biggest mistake was believing he could outsmart Ferris Bueller. Bad move, Mr. Ed!

“I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.” — The wisdom of Ed Rooney

02. Louis Tully – GHOSTBUSTERS

Louis Tully as played by Rick Moranis in 1984’s GHOSTBUSTERS veers into the nerd or dweeb area, but is still a classic movie schmuck. Dressed in his Hef-hipster swinger threads, Louis believes himself to be quite the happenin’ ladies man when he invites his neighbor, Dana Barrett (Sigourney Weaver) to a party at his bachelor pad. She’s able to resists his charms even when he displays his impressive accounting skills. Later at his big shindig demonic forces attack him and after a chase thru the city, Louis becomes Vinz Clortho, key master. He then finally connects with Dana, now possessed by the demon. Dozer. Luckily Louis and Dana (and the Big Apple) are saved by the Ghostbusters. In the sequel, Louis, becomes the team’s accountant and has a sweet romance with Janine Melnitz (Annie Potts). Not bad for a devil dog pursued little schmuck.

01. Carter Burke – Aliens

“I’m Burke. Carter Burke. I work for the company. But don’t let that fool you, I’m really an okay guy.” Uh-huh. That “I’m on your side” statement right there points to a corporate schmuck if ever there was one. In ALIENS, Burke (Paul Reiser) sets up everyone for certain doom by protecting the alien race, then tries to kill off anyone, including whole families, who get in his way. At the beginning, this snake poses no obvious threat as he convinces Lt. Ripley and the Colonial Marines to make a hellish trip to rescue a group of families who’ve established a “a shake’n’bake colony” on LV-426. In the 1st of many bad moves, this company-man endears himself to the liberators by refering to them as “grunts.” Makin’ friends real fast Carter.

In his 2nd bad movie, and all for a “fucking percentage” in the Weyland-Yutani Company, Burke pretty much tells Ripley that he intends to bring an Alien back to Earth secretly through ICC quarantine for the bio-weapons division. After Ripley discovers its Burke who told the now-dead colonists where to find the derelict ship and eggs (from the first movie ALIEN), he goes after Ripley with plans to infect her and Newt with alien embryos.

In his 3rd bad move, Burke attempts to get them impregnated by locking them in a room with a pair of facehuggers and plans of sabotaging the cryo-chambers in order to kill the marines are thwarted and they plan to “grease this rat-fuck sonofabitch” Schmuck. But if one dances, one must pay the piper and this backstabber sure does when he’s greeted by one of the monsters after the remaining survivors are met head on by an Alien horde. There is an infamous deleted scene, known to ALIENS aficionados, where Ripley sees him in the hive, cocooned, and Burke tells her that he can feel an alien moving inside him and pleads for a gun to end it all. She gives the schmuck a grenade instead.