Top Ten Tuesday: Superhero Spin-offs that shouldn’t happen

Since ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’ is coming out on Friday, we thought it would only be right to tell you which superhero spinoff’s should not happen. So we present to you Top Ten Tuesday: Superhero spinoffs that shouldnt happen:

10. Aquaman

As if the fact that the Aquaman project has been in development Hell longer than almost any super hero project out there and that I haven’t once heard a single person say “Dude, I totally can’t wait to see the Aquaman movie” outside of the cast of ‘Entourage’, the character also happens to be one of the oldest. Aquaman was one of the original characters developed by the Marvel(ED Note: Even the movie geeks make mistakes!) DC dudes. Personally, the whole concept is dated and lacks any real contemporary interest. I mean, really, when a 98% nude guy with Spock’s ears and little wings on his ankles emerges from the ocean for the first time on the big screen, are you going to be saying “Oh my God! My life is complete!”

09. Marvel Zombies

First of all, as much as I and every other cool person on this planet loves zombies, making a movie of this would definitely be taking things too far. The Marvel Zombies comib book series was cool, but the truth is that it was a nifty gimmick that Marvel came up with that became so popular that it spawned a whole new parallel universe for the creative folks at Marvel to play around with. Yeah, the series was, and still is, insanely popular, but as a movie would just be ridiculously expensive, pointless and would ultimately fail because anyone not familiar with the Marvel Zombies storyline would see this and either be confused out of the ghords or just plain pissed off (especially the old school fans). That is assuming many non-comic book readers even go at all.

08. Superboy

Quick!   What was the worst part of ‘Superman Returns’?   If you said the fact that Superman had a son/potential spinoff film, you win the golden fleece today.   Director Bryan Singer, evidently, made his passion ‘Superman’ project, and that included a subplot involving the bastard child with superpowers.   I’m sure Warner execs were frothing at the mouth at the idea of spinning this subplot off into another, potential franchise.   Why the hell else would they let a film slip through their fingers that cost upwards of $270 million?   I’m sure makeup artists were even consulted to see what an aged Brandon Routh would possibly look like.   Hey, we don’t need a ‘Superboy’ movie.   We don’t even need another ‘Superman’ movie unless it features any other plotline than Lex Luther trying to one-up the real estate world.

07. Juggernaut

He’s the Juggernaut, bitch.   Why, oh why, is Juggernaut on this list?   Is it possible that a Juggernaut spinoff movie was even even thunked up?   You bet your geeky ass, it was.   Back in November, 2007, Joe Carnahan, Joe Friggin’ Carnahan!, announced his desire to head up a project that would spin off the Vinnie Jones-filled character into his own film.   Of course, this was right around the time Jones had just signed up for a role in the prequel to Carnahan’s ‘Smokin’ Aces.’   Hey, nepotism lives, right?   Luckily, nothing ever came out of this, but we were that much closer to seeing a film about a guy whose one, true power is he can go through walls.   Seriously, what does Juggernaut have that David Copperfield doesn’t?   Nothing.   That’s what!

06. Any Characters from ‘Mystery Men’

Although this movie is considered by some a Cult Classic, I still say that it sucks and was a shame to see so many great actors in this film. If they were ever to do a spinoff of the superheroes from this movie I would be very disappointed.

05. Deadpool

Hey, a Deadpool movie might sound sweet.   Marvel’s answer to Snake Eyes is a pretty badass character.   Unfortunately, from what we can assess from early word off of ‘Wolverine’ and the tv spots that practically give the final act away, this is not the Deadpool we want to have his own movie.   Ryan Reynolds is kickass and hilarious, but, unless this spinoff movie is a prequel of sorts, he’s not gonna be featured in it much, anyway.   Just look at the Deadpool action figure.   That’s not Ryan Reynolds.   It looks like Dhalsim and the creepy girl without a mouth from ‘The Twilight Zone: The Movie’ had a freakishly muscular child, then duct taped knives to its forearms. No thank you, film world.   We’ll pass.

04. Any Character from Fantastic Four

This super team has been around forever in comic books, but their fan base is a select group of readers. I don’t think many younger fans of the genre are that into Fantastic Four, which partially explains why the first two films bombed. The only human beings that could “love” those movies would be kids. In my opinion, this is another title that is showing it’s age. The team as a whole has some appeal, given their mutual origin story, but if a spin-off were ever made of any of the characters individually it would be distastrous. Even The Thing couldn’t have his own successful spin-off, unless maybe he agreed to a Full Monty scene, possibly satisfying the curiosity of certain ‘Mallrats’ fans.

03. The Joker

This is a tough one. The Joker is a fascinating character and there’s no limit to what could be done with him in his own movie, but then again… he’s a villain. And as a villain, his rightful place is in a movie pitted against Batman. Thusly, such has occured twice now and both times with great success. I say, be done with The Joker and let him rest in peace while enjoying everlasting immortal iconic fan reverence. Let’s not bring him back merely to fail and die a humiliating and shameful death, only to be remembered by all but the most die-hard fans as the older, fatter drug-addicted Elvis bent over the kamode. Come one, let’s explore some other villains a little, shall we?

02. Any Characters from Watchmen

‘Watchmen’ hit theaters with less sucess than originally expected and I can just see it now, someone planning a Rorschach movie. Let me tell you that this is a BAD idea, and the only way this film and characters will work as a cohesive unit. To attempt an origin story of just one character without including the rest would be asinine.

01. Storm

Halle Berry was pissed after ‘X-Men’ and ‘X2,’ because Storm wasn’t given much to do.   Come on, Halle.   She changes the friggin’ weather.   Her special power is basically the embodiment of what Sean Connery’s Sir August de Wynter was trying to do in ‘The Avengers.’   We all know how that turned out, don’t we?   All of Berry’s cryings amounted to nothing more than one of the most retarded scenes in ‘X-Men: The Last Stand’ where Storm, feeling dejected, causes the sky to grow cloudy.   Someone snaps her out of her funk, she whites out her eyes, and it’s sunny again.   Wow!   What a thrilling moment that was.   You want two full hours of that crap?   That’s about what you’ll get with a ‘Storm’ film.   Fortunatlely, Berry’s abilities to carry a superhero film on her own register about as well as someone breaking wind registering on a Richter Scale.   It’s a good thing, too, because no one wants to see this spinoff.