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Classic Shit: ‘Puppet Master Vs Demonic Toys’ – We Are Movie Geeks

Classic Shit!

Classic Shit: ‘Puppet Master Vs Demonic Toys’

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“Classic Shit!† is a column dedicated to films that were maligned upon release and it is for films that are as entertaining as they are terrible. It is a home for cinema’s underdog.

If I say something is a classic, then take it with a grain of salt. If I call it shit, then I do it with love.

puppetmastervsdemonictoys

Where to begin?

‘Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys’ is the ninth film in the ‘Puppet Master’ franchise and the third for ‘Demonic Toys,’ both of which where at one time flagship titles of Charles Band’s Full Moon Entertainment, however, this particular installment is the creation of the Sci-Fi Channel. Band’s involvement was limited to nothing more than the selling of rights to the screenplay.

The story goes a little something like this: An evil toy company plans to unleash its demonic toys on unsuspecting children during Christmas morning, but Robert Toulon, great grandson of the original puppet master, uses his own living dolls to save the world.

That’s the story in theory.

In reality, the film is mostly people running through meaningless dialogue until cheese special effects or awful editing interrupt. There is more dialogue in this film than in the whole oeuvre of French New Wave cinema. Anything resembling action is kept to a minimum, because that stuff costs money.  

On a scale of one to shit, ‘Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys’ is definitely shit. It ranks among the worst films I have ever seen.

It was also thoroughly entertaining†¦ in that special way that only a true piece of crap can be. In the right frame of mind and with fellow crappy-movie enthusiasts, this fetid piece of cinema is worth a laugh or two. Or three or four. It all depends on your threshold for junk.

What makes it so special, you ask? Well, before ‘Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys’ even begins, you know that there is no way in hell that the movie will be any good. And in that respect the film doesn’t disappoint. Laughable “special† effects, dialogue with all the finesse of a man on fire, Corey Feldman†¦

You have an idea where this stands in the cinematic canon. Let us take a moment to reflect on the people that made this dream a reality.

The director is Ted Nicolaou. Ted has been at the forefront of questionable cinema since the late 1970s, directing – and sometimes writing – a plethora of genre films. He was a regular over at Full Moon Entertainment and is largely responsible for helming their popular DTV vampire franchise, ‘Subspecies.’ Other notable credits include ‘The St. Francisville Experiment’ and ‘TerrorVision,’ both of which deserve the title “Classic Shit.†

As a side note, I would like to commend Ted for his work on the ‘Subspecies’ franchise. Despite being the product of Full Moon Entertainment, the films look great and – dare I say it – are quite ambitious. But I digress†¦

“Ambitious† is not a word one thinks of as they watch ‘Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys,’ though the pedigree of talent attached to the project may trick you into thinking otherwise.

I know, I know. Who could possibly be attached to this project that would make it seem worth your time and money? How about-

David S. Goyer?

Yes, the man that gave us ‘Batman Begins’ and my personal favorite, ‘Dark City,’ has his name on this. He even gets top credit on IMDb, though my recollection is murky when it comes to where his name falls in the actual title credits. It is really inconsequential because all that matters is that his name is on there. Don’t fret, though, it is in name only.

Goyer did not offer his writing services on this particular project. He did, however, write the original ‘Demonic Toys,’ so his credit here is more along the lines of the “Characters created by† variety. Still, it must suck to see this packed right between ‘Blade: Trinity’ and ‘Batman Begins’ on his IMDb resume. Maybe it is just his penance for ‘Blade: Trinity’? Karma can be a bitch.

The film was actually written by C. Courtney Joyner, another crony of Charles Band and his Full Moon Entertainment. Joyner’s other credits include several ‘Puppet Master’ sequels, a couple of ‘Trancers’ sequels (Tim Thomerson lives!) and some stuff that ranges from appalling to not exactly terrible. The last thing – incidentally – that Joyner is credited with writing is, wait for it†¦ ‘Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys.’ That was in 2004. For those keeping count, it is currently 2009 and nary a new C. Courtney Joyner project in sight. Well, if you’re going to go out, then go out on top.

The real feather in the cap for this film has to be the casting of Corey Feldman. He plays the role of Robert Toulon, heir to the puppets once controlled by his great grandfather, Andre Toulon. William Hickey played Andre in the original ‘Puppet Master’. Hickey was always a reliable character actor whose career stretches back well into the 1950s. He had a knack for creating memorable and-

Damn, wasn’t I supposed to be talking about Corey Feldman?

Feldman wears his hair high (literally) as the character Robert Toulon, with a dash of salt-and-pepper color to add age. Accompanying his bouffant hairdo is a raspy over-the-top voice. It’s sounds like a mix of mad scientist and grumpy old man. Actually, he sounds a lot like Christian Bale doing his Batman voice (maybe Goyer was involved†¦). Anyway, Feldman’s characterization really never amounts to much more than goofy hair and a silly voice and, honestly, that’s all that the role calls for. He has some fun with a thankless role in a ridiculous movie. As a protagonist, the character of Robert Toulon is given only the most threadbare development. He has an outer motivation – in that he wants to save the lives of innocent children – but any character arc involving inner motivations or personal obstacles is completely missing.

His performance is matched tit for tat by the television equivalent of Kelly LeBrock, Vanessa Angel. She lends her services here in the portrayal of the central antagonist, Erica Sharpe. Dialogue slides from her mouth, ponderously, like an old man taking a dump. She exists because there was a paycheck involved and I suppose that’s not terrible, really, because getting paid is the name of the game.

Getting paid.

Say what you will about this movie but everybody involved got paid. And what do I get? What do you get? Do we get paid? If you watch it, then yes, you will get paid what you deserve. If you hate it and troll the internet boards and bitch, then you have been paid what you deserve. If you watch it and laugh, laugh at people making a buck and laugh at special effects executed by visible strings, then god damn it you got paid.

If you watch this movie and you love it, then you got paid. Handsomely.

‘Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys’ is a force of nature. It will go on forever, much longer than you, dear reader, and much longer than I. It will live on in DVD, on TV, in electric code and the arrangement of ones and zeros until this anthropomorphic world blazes into the void.

  

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Born in Illinois. Living in California. I contribute to this site, as well as Campus Circle.