Sit Down, Shut Up… and LET ME WATCH MY MOVIE!

Since my start not too long ago with the Movie Geeks, I have been contemplating the start of a movie etiquette column. The purpose being that some of you out there need to be schooled in proper movie viewing behavior. Under this column you will find Movie Do’s, Movie Don’t’s, and Movie Geek horror stories of what happens as we try to do what we love… which is WATCH MOVIES!!!

I will start my column with five basics. Now these seem simple enough, but some of you don’t quite comprehend the unspoken movie-going rules. That’s why I am taking on the role of making them spoken (or written at least). For those of you that do understand this, you can take joy in the fact that these idiots are being called out! Now… Let’s get this party started!

Movie Basic #1. DON’T TALK DURING THE MOVIE!!

We’ve all been there… You’re at a movie theater, or watching on a couch with some friends… the movie comes on… AND THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU WON’T SHUT UP!!! This isn’t the occasional whisper of “Will you pass the popcorn?” or “Holy Batman that was awesome!”. This is the “I am going to tell you about my whole day” or “I’m the guy that has to add my own commentary during the whole movie”. There is some debate on when it is approprate to finally silence yourself. Some say that previews are free range for talking. I say that once the lights are lowered your mouth should be lowered too! Some wrap up whispers may be uttered, but I care about the previews. (I should hope so if I call myself a movie geek!) Now look, I’m not one to complain about every peep made during my movie adventure, but when I keep getting pulled out of the storyline by girls giggling about boys, or guys duding it up with each other, then I get angry. When I get angry, you get one warning… then I call you out in front of everyone around us. It’s funny, every time that I have finally raised my voice at some annoying, gum chomping jabber-jaw, I have gotten nothing but praise, even applause from those surrounding me! Therefore, I encourage you to shush those into silence if they are ruining your experience. Chance is, you will also be doing those around you a favor!

Movie Basic #2. DON’T KICK MY SEAT

There once was a time where theater seats were crowded together. They were small, uncomfortable, had little booty support, and gave no leg room whatsoever. Guess what? THOSE DAYS ARE GONE MY FRIEND! Thanks to the invention of stadium seating, we all can spread our legs out without having to squeeze in to the aisle so tightly that we are eating our knees! For example… I am just shy of 5’11”, I wear a 34-36 inseam, and I am more than comfortable in a movie seat. Therefor, if there is someone sitting in front of me, I have no need to rest my legs upon their seat. You might think “What’s wrong with resting your legs on a seat?”. It’s not the fact that you are resting them, it’s that every time you move, so does the seat! Also, do not tap your foot or swing it around so close to the seat in front of you. You aren’t that coordinated, you’re gonna knock into it, and after the second of third time, I’m going to get angry! This rule also applies to children. I like kids, I like kids movies, but I do not like when you let your kid run around like he was doing lines of cotton candy and pixie sticks. Why? Because then they kick, hit, and run into my chair. I have even had children pull my hair because they are playing around my seat and won’t let go of my chair. I’m not OK with that. Mom’s and Dad’s, I am not silent. I do not have to enjoy your playing children during my movie going, popcorn eating, soda drinking zen.

Movie Basic #3. SPREAD OUT!

When I go into a theater with just a couple of people in it, I get giddy! I can spread out, relax and enjoy the show. Then you walk in… You and your loud friends who decided that the seat right next to, in front of, or behind me would be the best decision when THE REST OF THE THEATER IS VIRTUALLY EMPTY! You should be seating yourself in the next comfortable area that does not impose upon the other patron’s personal space. I don’t need to hear your conversation, smell your musky canned body spray, or fight for the arm rest that I reserved ten minutes before you got here. If the theater is a bit more full, then you should at least take the courtesy of leaving one seat in between you and the stranger that you are going to be sitting next to. I do understand that sometimes a movie is just that crowded, but if you can help it, and 99 percent of the time you can, then please… leave me my dignity and personal space!

Movie Basic #4 If Your Child is Not Well Behaved or Too Young, THEN DO NOT BRING THEM!

This one might make people mad, but I am going to elaborate on the unruly children that I mentioned in the previous Movie Basic.   Let me preface this by saying that I do not hate children. I really enjoy children. If you cannot control your child’s behavior, than a movie is not the place to take them. All to often, especially in children’s movies, I see parents letting their children run amok. They cry, yell, scream, throw things, and run around while the parent or guardian just sit by and let it happen. When it is a children’s movie, some adults think that this is acceptable behavior, and since it is a movie made for kids, they ignore the adults who are trying to enjoy it as well. So, let me make this rule clear… if you cannot control your child, do not take them to a public movie! Wait for it to come out on DVD. Now, there are instances of good children gone bad. In that case, if your child is being disruptive, do not wait for them to calm down, take them out of the theater immediately and do not return to your seats until the child is calmed and in control. Just like it is my job to be the best movie patron that I can be, it is your job to make sure that you and your children do the same. I am a kid at heart! There are a lot of us out there, so please respect our right to not be distracted by misbehaving young-ins!

Movie Basic #5 CONTROL YOUR BODILY FUNCTIONS!

I have far too many horror stories about this that will soon be shared in upcoming articles. Now we will simply discuss the basics. Control your gas and burps! If you have really bad gas, excuse yourself so you don’t make me vomit inside of my mouth or taint my buttery popcorn and tasty snacks! Do not just let them rip! I don’t wanna hear them either! Same goes for burps. I have actually had people burp loudly that were sitting next to me. How rude is this! And when did it become acceptable public behavior to finally display your inner workings in public? Here is a suggestion… Pretend that you are on a date with the hottest babe that has ever walked the face of the planet, or the most tasty morsel of man-meat that you can conjure through your wildest dreams. Now, for some odd reason, some miracle from a higher power, they are interested in you. It is your job to be on your best behavior as to not repulse them! This is how you should act while in a theater.

So there you have it… Five basics so that you can be the best movie-goer that you can be! If you can’t handle this, then wait for it to come out on DVD. If you still feel like ignoring the rules, then you better pray you are not sitting next to me!

Remember, if you won’t let me watch my movie… THEN I’LL BE WATCHING YOU!