Best of the Bad … ‘Beware! The Blob’

Beware! The Blob (1972) is far less “classic” than the 1958 Steve McQueen original and far less “scary” than the 1988 remake by Tobe Hooper Chuck Russell. However, This sequel to the original is so blatantly 70’s that its enjoyable to watch just for the time warp appeal. Believe it or not, this campy horror film, also inappropriately known as Son of the Blob, was directed by none other than Larry Hagman … aka, J.R. Ewing, Jr. from Dallas fame! Hey, I can’t make this stuff up.

I love the way the film opens, showing that Ewing, I mean Hagman, had a unique since of humor not seen in his soap opera work. The opening title sequence is set to a montage of a cute little kitten curiously wandering about in the tall grass. An incredibly cheesy soundtrack of semi-circus like music is laid over this footage, intermittently cut into by some female screams and creepy sounds. As the opening title credits come to a close, the location of the kitten is revealed to be the front yard of a married couple as the wife returns with the groceries. Ha! You thought the cat was going to get it, didn’t you?

The premise is setup like this … a technician named Chester brings home an unknown frozen specimen from his three month trip to the North Pole for work. When his wife finds it stored away in the freezer, she accidentally leaves it out on the counter to thaw while making up for lost time with her husband. Bad move. In traditional Blob fashion, its appetite starts small and grows as it grows. The first victim is an unsuspecting fly, followed by … yep, the KITTEN!!! Oh, my God! Not the kitten! How horrible! [Our sincerest apologies to all the cat-lovers reading this.] Soon after, while looking for her missing kitten, the wife is ambushed by the already basketball-sized Blob. So, the carnage has begun again …

In this interpretation of The Blob, the gelatinous alien goo resembles more of a red version of Nickelodeon slime than that of the original. While Chester is at home chugging down beer after beer, completely oblivious to the fact that his wife and pet cat are now dead and currently being processed into fertilizer, we are introduced to a pack of Boy Scouts out for a hike. Chester is the third to go, shamefully dispatched in a blatantly appropriate homage, as he bites it while watching Steve McQueen frantically explain to the town that they are in danger in the 1958 original, playing on his television set. Lisa (Gwynne Gilford), a friend of Chester’s, finds him at home being “eaten” by The Blob and runs off screaming in terror. She tells her boyfriend Bobby (Robert Walker, Jr.) who investigates all calm and cool like a tough boyfriend would, but finds nothing. Say goes for the sheriff.

The riveting tension that was built up during Chester’s demise is abruptly broken with more scenes of the Boy Scout troupe as they joyfully hike along. Scoutmaster Adelman (Dick Van Patten) was such a incredibly annoying man that I would have been forced to dispatch him in consideration of my fellow scouts. Many of the quasi-random shots and sight gags, and even the insignificant comical scenes of this film have sort of a Mel Brooks feel to them, including when Adelman stops off at a farmer’s house along their hike to “borrow some toilet paper” for the trip. “We all need it, you know” … he exclaims before the farmer requests him to return what he doesn’t use.

‘Beware! The Blob’ is filled with eccentric characters from this small town setting, often playing more like a parody than a straight-forward comedy. However, you look at this film, it can;t be taken seriously. In a scene featuring Shelley Berman as a barber who takes advantage of a stoned hippie dude who wants a haircut, the barber claims to be a “hair sculptor, an artist” and scams the guy out of $400 to sculpt his hair. Just as he is shampooing the dude’s hair … BAM! The Blob strikes again! Let’s not worry … the sheriff will take care of everything, right? No, just like in the original, the sheriff doesn’t believe a bit of it until so many people have died and the situation is out of control. Kids … they’re probably just tripping on something. Oh well, Bobby drives Lisa home and offers her an avocado sandwich on whole wheat bread with alfalfa sprouts and Monterrey jack cheese … no bacon. Hey, its the 70’s remember?

In the end, all kinds of odd characters become space-goo fodder and PETA surely doesn’t appreciate that both a helpless kitten and a cute little yappie dog are killed by the slimy monster. Total body count goes something like this … a house fly, a cute little kitten, beer-guzzling Chester, his rather attractive wife, a hippie-hating cop, the hair sculpting barber and his stoned hippie client, a yappie toy dog, a flock of farm chickens, two young hobos (one played by Larry Hagman), one old hobo (played by Burges Meredith), Scoutmaster Adelman (taken off screen), a guy in a gorilla suit and his girlfriend, two bowling alley repairmen, a bowling alley manager, several bowling customers, a really dumb cop that walked right up to The Blob and says “that’s the strangest thing I’ve ever seen” just before it eats him.

The only ones to survive an attack by The Blob in this movie are Lisa and Bobby, the owner of the bowling alley and an old Turkish guy found running naked in the street. Bobby and Lisa discover The Blob’s weakness is cold when they accidentally spill a mini-fridge full of ice on part of The Blob. With The Blob sitting inside the ice rink of the bowling alley, which is currently under repair, they work to quickly freeze the rink over and defeat The Blob once more. ‘Beware! The Blob’ is available on DVD at 87 minutes in length, that’s 4 minutes shorter than the theatrical release. Sorry, no special features.