I’m paraphrasing here, but Dov S-S Simens offers a bit of filmmaking advice in his book, “From Reel to Deal,” and it works. It really does:

“When all else fails, take some kids to a single location and kill them one by one.”

Friday the 13^th
The Evil Dead
The Blair Witch Project
House of 1000 Corpses
Halloween

Psycho…I mean, c’mon.

What he is talking about, of course, is how to spend a little and (hopefully) make a lot. It works, or…it worked?

You see, we are in a digital age. The idea was to take some kids to one place and kill them because it was a cheap solution to an already expensive problem: shooting 35mm film costs a lot of money. One location keeps a budget down, and that’s a wonderful thing. Now, thanks to digital technology, we can kill some kids in lots of locations, because digital film costs nothing in comparison.

DIY film was once the fringe inhabited by the likes of Eric Stanze and Leif Jonker, but now there is a veritable shitstorm of talent riding the digital video wave.

A bright and shining example of the digital auteur can be found working his magick in ‘Colonel Kill Motherfuckers,’ the latest newnew from Hack Movies. Director Kevin Strange, you see, wants to challenge your notions of the no-budget genre.

Let me digress with an example of something that pisses me off to no end:
Anchor Bay just re-released ‘The Wicker Man,’ as a part of their “Cult Fiction” DVD line. It has great box art, retails for about $15.00, and has absolutely no special features. No special features. None. Zero. Zip. Oh, did I mention that the DVD sports some of the most non-existent special features you’ll ever fucking see? I did? Oh. Good. Anchor Bay, aka The Double-dipping Bastards, didn’t include anything other than the truncated 88-minute version of a 100-minute film. Way to do justice for what has been called “the Citizen Kane of horror.”

And don’t even get me started on bare bones Blu-ray DVD’s. What the hell is that all about? Anyway…

This all leads me back to Hack Movies, the independent no-budget studio hailing from Southern Illinois, a company whose projects are funded by spare change and time to kill, orchestrated with an ever maturing hand by minimum wage magnate, and founder, Kevin Strange.

The company’s newest release is called ‘Colonel Kill Motherfuckers,’ and it is available on DVD exclusively through HackMovies.com for $9.99. It contains not one, not two, but THREE commentary tracks. That alone puts it ahead of the pack in the special features department, even when compared to big-budget studio releases (um, ‘Zodiac,’ anyone? ‘The Assassination of Jesse James by The Coward Robert Ford?’). They don’t limit themselves to simple audio tracks, though, oh no. The DVD has two music videos as well. And it has four ‘behind-the-kill’ videos that show an audience how no-budget special effects are achieved. Oh yeah, and you also get a blooper reel. I should mention that the DVD also contains skits, trailers and teaser scenes from other Hack Movies releases.

For ten bucks (and free shipping) you get a DVD that will eat up several hours of your time, no joke. It took me almost a whole afternoon to get through the entire disk. Ten bucks. Hackmovies.com

That said, you really have to be understanding of no-budget cinema to really appreciate the film. These guys are NOT looking to make the next ‘Titanic,’ but they would probably consider a sequel to ‘Pink Flamingos.’

You never know, though, they may consider a ‘Titanic” sequel, but it would probably have more zombies, some fisting, and probably a scene where shit is absolutely integral to the proceedings.

So, what’s this movie about, yo?

‘Colonel Kill Motherfuckers’ is about a bunch of ‘Buffy’ lovin’ dorknerds that get bored with their D&D/WoW fantasies and wander into the world looking for fun. Instead, they end up responsible for the death of a homicidal ex-army veteran, Jack Scabtree. What the nerds don’t know is that Jack’s mother has the ability to raise the dead, and Jack is brought to life with one thought: To kill those motherfucking nerds!

Like Hack Movies first feature, ‘Dream Reaper,’ it’s homage to the slasher pics of the 1980’s. Juvenile behavior, drugs, sex, death. Oh, and fun. ‘Colonel Kill’ is a film that makes no bones about its agenda: it exists to entertain.

It succeeds admirably.

The films greatest strength comes from the mighty pen of Kevin Strange:

More a comedian than a horror maestro, you watch the film and know that the guy really took the time to make an entertaining movie. Jokes are rapid fire. Sight gags are plentiful. Character quirks are established and elaborated. The writing is somewhere between Kevin Smith and sitcom television, with a dash of Troma and a little bit of porno.

While I’m throwing accolades, I want to recommend Hack Movie’s previous pics, ‘Dream Reaper’ and ‘Dead Shit.’ If you like no-budget, offensive comedy or just want to support an independent filmmaker, get your ass to HackMovies.com and buy yourself a flick. After all, who could resist a film that promises, “ a plot so thick with twists and turns, your eyeballs will turn backwards and fall the fuck right out your bitch face!”