The Fantastic Four (1994) was produced by b-movie legend Roger Corman (The Terror, Carnosaur) and directed Oley Sassone (Bloodfist III). [On a side note, Roger Corman demands respect in his own right. Even though his movies usually suck, the man has over 380!!! projects to his credit as producer. That's insane ... and he's still working on more!] Anyway, so I guess you’ve figured out by now that I’m not talking about Fantastic Four (2005) or Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007). Of course, many of you may be thinking I could be, as I probably enjoyed both a little more than the average movie-goer. No, I’m talking about the original attempt made before the time of CGI, which plays a huge role in why this movie sucks so bad. The movie was never released in theaters, or on VHS, or on DVD … EVER! So, how do I know it’s so bad? Shhh … a little birdie dropped an ‘unofficial’ VHS copy on my doorstep a couple years ago. Out of pure curiosity, I watched it. Well, I learned my lesson. I’ve seen Sci-Fi Channel original movies that only air after midnight that are more enjoyable than this.

In this ‘original’ version, the Fantastic Four take on both Doctor Doom and the Mole Man, along with several mean old henchmen who apparently all thought they were cast as Doctor Doom, because they were all dressed in basically the same costume. Let me see how well I can paint you a picture (because this movie doesn’t exist, right?) The Thing, aka Ben Grimm, actually isn’t a terrible design, considering they could only use makeup, but it’s still laughable. Invisible Girl disappears brilliantly via cheap 1980’s video dissolve effects. Mister Fantastic stretches like, twice … and only his arm. Let me explain. Imagine a stiff slinky, one that will expand but still stay straight. Now, put a really long shirt sleeve on it, but bunch it up so it looks ‘normal’ until stretched. Oh no! Invisible girl has fallen! In a moment of pure heroic effort, Mister Fantastic stretches his slinky arm out to catch Invisible Girl. Yes, I just described a pivotal scene from the movie. Makes you want to jump out of your seat and search youtube, huh? Go ahead, it’s there. Human Torch, aka Johnny Storm, is a complete dork in this version. I’m not sure how they got it wrong (I mean, there’s only over 400 issues of the Fantastic Four comic book), but he’s not cool or daring at all. In fact, he’s a big wiener. If you do decide to brave this movie, do so out of curiosity and prepare yourself for the worst, because that’s what you’ll get.

[I have to end on a positive note: Marvel is working on a Silver Surfer spin-off movie and, while it may be a while, it looks as though they have Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) attached to direct. If this does happen, expect a super-awesome movie!]